Hey Buggy,
I'm still missing you bunches. I wanted you to know I'm thinking about you today. This time last year I dressed you as a little bear and painted a black nose on you. I wanted to dress you as a little devil this year. I would rather dress you as a little devil than have everyone think of you as an angel. We could have gotten tons of candy.
Its hard to believe that its nearing a year since your accident. December is not that far away. I talked to the lawyers who are investigating your accident for me and dada so we can know what exactly went wrong at the hospital and they are still working on it. I did find out they are pretty certain something went wrong and it wasn't the accident that is why you aren't here..they are sure it was something at the hospital. The hospital took you away from me and now I can't dress you as a little devil.
I can still see your smile in my mind. I miss it but I will remember it forever.
I do have some better news than I've had in a long time though, in july 2012 you may be a big brother. I wish you could be here for it. No child will ever replace you though, I do want you to know that. Please help me watch over your little sibling...I know you love them as much as I do. Mamum will be having the first appointment to check your sibling in a couple days (on thursday) so they can check to see if everything is okay. After that they will use a machine probably within a few weeks to see how big your brother or sister is and make double sure they are okay.
I'm so scared that I'm going to lose them too. I still haven't gotten over losing you...I don't think I ever will...
I love you so much
Thinking about you this halloween
Love always
Your Mamum
Monday, October 31, 2011
Monday, October 17, 2011
Letter To Damian 10-17-2011
Damian,
You'd be 2 1/2 now. This year doesn't even feel real, I'm still stuck back at December 30th 2010. I can't even begin to explaine this year, I don't know how I'm still breathing without you.
I got a card from the lady that recieved your kidneys a couple days back. It came as a shock. I had stopped looking for letters from your organ recipiants months ago. It wasn't a bad shock...just a shocking experience. I am still confused as to what to write back. Part of me is overjoyed to hear from someone that now has you as a part of them. Part of me is scared to death that they either won't like me, they won't continue contact, or that your organs won't be treasured the way that I treasured you. Its confusing. I am happy and scared out of my mind at the same time.
What is even more confusing is what to write back. I can't even begin to know what to write her back. What if I mess up the line of communication with something I say?
I had a nightmare again night before last. You were taken away from me by some sort of evil, right out of your crib and I never would see you again. When I woke from the dream I wanted so badly to run into your room and see you in your crib (your crib is still in the same spot that you left it). I couldn't run in there and make sure you were okay....I know you aren't there. I hate having those types of nightmares even more now that you are gone. Nightmares have always been scary but when I wake up from a dream of something taking you away from me I know you aren't here anymore and something did take you away from me. Its a nightmare come true in a lot of ways.
I have been crying more for you again. I have my very bad days still where I just feel like my world has ended and will never get better. Some days it feels like it hurts worse and worse as time goes on. People say it will get better but I haven't seen better yet, just getting used to it.
I was listening to comedy to cheer me up a few days back and I was laughing and smiling with your dada. Then all the sudden it got to a part in the line where it was about a kid being in the hospital getting their toncils out and they 'saw their whole life flash before their eyes and they weren't that old so it was short' and I started crying. The line was supposed to be funny and I probably would have laughed had you still been with me and it didn't bring back flashbacks of the accident and being with you in the hospital. Is there ever going to be a day that just goes alright for me without you?
I miss you Damian. I have gotten pretty good at hiding the fact that I'm still torn up inside most of the time to strangers but thats about as good as I can do. I'm still lost without you, I feel like I've lost my purpose. My purpose was to be your mamum and protect you and watch you grow and help you grow. Now that you are gone, so is my purpose...it feels that way anyway.
Anyways, I might have more time to write you again now that I'm putting other things aside. I have been burying myself in trying to stay busy but I have missed being able to write you. I hope you still hear me when I talk to you. I have all but forgotten you...I could never forget you.
I love you and miss you so much
Always thinking of you
Your Mamum
You'd be 2 1/2 now. This year doesn't even feel real, I'm still stuck back at December 30th 2010. I can't even begin to explaine this year, I don't know how I'm still breathing without you.
I got a card from the lady that recieved your kidneys a couple days back. It came as a shock. I had stopped looking for letters from your organ recipiants months ago. It wasn't a bad shock...just a shocking experience. I am still confused as to what to write back. Part of me is overjoyed to hear from someone that now has you as a part of them. Part of me is scared to death that they either won't like me, they won't continue contact, or that your organs won't be treasured the way that I treasured you. Its confusing. I am happy and scared out of my mind at the same time.
What is even more confusing is what to write back. I can't even begin to know what to write her back. What if I mess up the line of communication with something I say?
I had a nightmare again night before last. You were taken away from me by some sort of evil, right out of your crib and I never would see you again. When I woke from the dream I wanted so badly to run into your room and see you in your crib (your crib is still in the same spot that you left it). I couldn't run in there and make sure you were okay....I know you aren't there. I hate having those types of nightmares even more now that you are gone. Nightmares have always been scary but when I wake up from a dream of something taking you away from me I know you aren't here anymore and something did take you away from me. Its a nightmare come true in a lot of ways.
I have been crying more for you again. I have my very bad days still where I just feel like my world has ended and will never get better. Some days it feels like it hurts worse and worse as time goes on. People say it will get better but I haven't seen better yet, just getting used to it.
I was listening to comedy to cheer me up a few days back and I was laughing and smiling with your dada. Then all the sudden it got to a part in the line where it was about a kid being in the hospital getting their toncils out and they 'saw their whole life flash before their eyes and they weren't that old so it was short' and I started crying. The line was supposed to be funny and I probably would have laughed had you still been with me and it didn't bring back flashbacks of the accident and being with you in the hospital. Is there ever going to be a day that just goes alright for me without you?
I miss you Damian. I have gotten pretty good at hiding the fact that I'm still torn up inside most of the time to strangers but thats about as good as I can do. I'm still lost without you, I feel like I've lost my purpose. My purpose was to be your mamum and protect you and watch you grow and help you grow. Now that you are gone, so is my purpose...it feels that way anyway.
Anyways, I might have more time to write you again now that I'm putting other things aside. I have been burying myself in trying to stay busy but I have missed being able to write you. I hope you still hear me when I talk to you. I have all but forgotten you...I could never forget you.
I love you and miss you so much
Always thinking of you
Your Mamum
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Letter to Damian 8-30-2011
Damian
God its quiet in the house today. Its driving me nuts. I remember 9 months ago I was making you your lunch at around this time and you had the accident. This silence is killing me. I miss you. I need you. I wish that my prayers would have been answered and whatever powers that be would have taken me instead of you. I remember being in the hospital that evening and still crying. I wanted to throw myself over you and I was begging in prayer to be able to take your place on that bed. I still would gladly take your place.
You coat is still hanging on the wall. It is waiting for you. Its hurts knowing that you won't be needing it this next month. You used to bring me your coat when you wanted to go out. I'm sorry I didn't take you out enough. I didn't take you to the park enough. I never did get a picture of you playing at your favorite park...now I never will. I never got professional pictures of you done...now I never will. I never got a picture of you on santa's lap....I was going to do that this year...now I never will.
There are so many things that I never got to show you. We didn't go see the christmas lights last year. There were parades we didn't see. We didn't get to do your second birthday this year...you weren't here. I did your memorial around your birthday instead.
I really don't know why nor how I'm still here. I'm so miserable most days and so sad. I'm getting good at acting normal but I'm so empty inside anymore. I'm emptier than this apartment that still has all of your toys. Your crib is still set up but you haven't touched it in 8 months now. It still smells like you...
missing you so much, my Damian
I love you
Mamum
God its quiet in the house today. Its driving me nuts. I remember 9 months ago I was making you your lunch at around this time and you had the accident. This silence is killing me. I miss you. I need you. I wish that my prayers would have been answered and whatever powers that be would have taken me instead of you. I remember being in the hospital that evening and still crying. I wanted to throw myself over you and I was begging in prayer to be able to take your place on that bed. I still would gladly take your place.
You coat is still hanging on the wall. It is waiting for you. Its hurts knowing that you won't be needing it this next month. You used to bring me your coat when you wanted to go out. I'm sorry I didn't take you out enough. I didn't take you to the park enough. I never did get a picture of you playing at your favorite park...now I never will. I never got professional pictures of you done...now I never will. I never got a picture of you on santa's lap....I was going to do that this year...now I never will.
There are so many things that I never got to show you. We didn't go see the christmas lights last year. There were parades we didn't see. We didn't get to do your second birthday this year...you weren't here. I did your memorial around your birthday instead.
I really don't know why nor how I'm still here. I'm so miserable most days and so sad. I'm getting good at acting normal but I'm so empty inside anymore. I'm emptier than this apartment that still has all of your toys. Your crib is still set up but you haven't touched it in 8 months now. It still smells like you...
missing you so much, my Damian
I love you
Mamum
Monday, August 22, 2011
Letter to Damian 8-22-2011
Lil Buggy
words can not express how much I miss you. It seems as time goes on I just miss you more. I'm sorry I haven't written you on here in some time. Its been a bit painful to write where before it was more of a coping mechanism. Sometimes I wonder if it does much good to write to you here. I talk to you often...since you couldn't read yet before death maybe thats why I have my doubts about writing on here.
Lately, its been so incredibly difficult to keep myself upbeat. I got a job for a week. It was supposed to help me get out and function like a normal human being. I got fired in a week, so it made me feel as if I failed at everything. I still feel like I failed at keeping you safe. I feel like I failed at being a good mother for you because I look around and see everyone has their babies still and get to watch them grow. I only have the pictures of you up to 20 months old and then all time stops.
At first, seeing and interacting with other people's children made me feel more comfortable and helped...now it only hurts. It tares me up because I wonder what you would look like now. What would you be able to say and do? How heavy would you be in my arms? Would your smile and voice still be the same?
The worst thing is these four walls. Gods, its so empty in here. I haven't heard your squeels of joy for almost 9 months in here. Your coat still hangs on the wall in the kitchen...I still can't take it down. It still smells like you. I know it may sound silly that I leave it there but I can't bring myself to move it yet...maybe I won't be able to until I actually move from this apartment or something. I noticed this all started really hitting me hard when I ran out of disposable cups a couple weeks ago. I went to reach for a glass in the cabnet and my hand brushed against one of your sippy cups. You loved those cups...they are still in the cabnet waiting for you to want your 'ahs'. I still remember your favorite thing to drink...and still have all the packets in the cabnet that were supposed to be made for you...your grape koolaid.
I don't know how I've survived this long without you filling my every day with your bright shining sunlight, Damian. I feel like I really don't have anything anymore. I just breath...I haven't stopped breathing and thats it.
Your puppy still misses you. He'll hear a kid and look for you. He still looks for you when we go out, he'll look to the car waiting for me to take you out of the back seat.
I get told a lot that you are in a better place. I don't believe thats true or, if it is, how horrible must I be that being dead is better than being alive and home with me? I know people mean well and they are trying to be nice because there really is nothing anyone can say or do to make it better but please don't tell me that a better place is being dead. I want you here with me...so badly. I need you here with me. I want you to come home!
I miss everything about you.
forever missing you
love
Your Mamum
words can not express how much I miss you. It seems as time goes on I just miss you more. I'm sorry I haven't written you on here in some time. Its been a bit painful to write where before it was more of a coping mechanism. Sometimes I wonder if it does much good to write to you here. I talk to you often...since you couldn't read yet before death maybe thats why I have my doubts about writing on here.
Lately, its been so incredibly difficult to keep myself upbeat. I got a job for a week. It was supposed to help me get out and function like a normal human being. I got fired in a week, so it made me feel as if I failed at everything. I still feel like I failed at keeping you safe. I feel like I failed at being a good mother for you because I look around and see everyone has their babies still and get to watch them grow. I only have the pictures of you up to 20 months old and then all time stops.
At first, seeing and interacting with other people's children made me feel more comfortable and helped...now it only hurts. It tares me up because I wonder what you would look like now. What would you be able to say and do? How heavy would you be in my arms? Would your smile and voice still be the same?
The worst thing is these four walls. Gods, its so empty in here. I haven't heard your squeels of joy for almost 9 months in here. Your coat still hangs on the wall in the kitchen...I still can't take it down. It still smells like you. I know it may sound silly that I leave it there but I can't bring myself to move it yet...maybe I won't be able to until I actually move from this apartment or something. I noticed this all started really hitting me hard when I ran out of disposable cups a couple weeks ago. I went to reach for a glass in the cabnet and my hand brushed against one of your sippy cups. You loved those cups...they are still in the cabnet waiting for you to want your 'ahs'. I still remember your favorite thing to drink...and still have all the packets in the cabnet that were supposed to be made for you...your grape koolaid.
I don't know how I've survived this long without you filling my every day with your bright shining sunlight, Damian. I feel like I really don't have anything anymore. I just breath...I haven't stopped breathing and thats it.
Your puppy still misses you. He'll hear a kid and look for you. He still looks for you when we go out, he'll look to the car waiting for me to take you out of the back seat.
I get told a lot that you are in a better place. I don't believe thats true or, if it is, how horrible must I be that being dead is better than being alive and home with me? I know people mean well and they are trying to be nice because there really is nothing anyone can say or do to make it better but please don't tell me that a better place is being dead. I want you here with me...so badly. I need you here with me. I want you to come home!
I miss everything about you.
forever missing you
love
Your Mamum
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Letter to Damian 6-4-2011
Hey there baby boo,
I wanted to let you know I miss you so much. About 2 days ago I had a breakdown of some sort. I missed you so much, I always miss you but it hit me really hard on the 2nd. Another month gone by without you in it I suppose.
I saw a baby on that day as well, he resembled you when you were a littler baby. He was in the stage where he was grabbing anything and everything to chew on. I remember when you were teething. You were alway so good. You chewed on things but you never screamed like I've seen most babies do. I'd give anything to turn back time even to see you teething again...to see you period.
I keep looking at your pictures. Why can't I just wake up and this be some horrible nightmare that you aren't here? Why can't I just be in some sort of fake hell? I just want to know you are still alive but I know you aren't. I remember always having to check on you before I went to sleep to make sure you were still breathing just because you were so unreal. You were the best thing in the world to me. Now, I can barely go into your room at all. Your crib is still set up in there just the way you left it but without your pillow and blanket or toys. In place of those is your organ donor certificate. Your room still smells like you, it still feels like you, but there is no you. I don't go in there to check on you anymore because I know you aren't there. I know you aren't still breathing. I know you aren't okay.
Sometimes I'll catch myself laying awake in bed and waiting to hear you wake up for your nightly squeal of joy and rocking your crib. You did that most nights right after I checked on you. You would play a few moments squealing for joy and then go back to sleep sucking your thumb. You never screamed. I don't hear the squeal of joy and you playing with your stuffed possum in there.
Often when I close my eyes I have to try to make sure my mind is clear. I try to drown out the memories of the scream from the accident with your squeals of joy, otherwise I break down. Sometimes I break down anyways but I can stop it most times now. I try to ignore the loop my mind goes into of that horrible day. I have been taking up walking and running and jogging so that I'm too worn out to pace the house because you aren't here dancing and laughing and squealing. I have been studying math until I can't think anymore to try to tire my brain from dwelling and circling and most days it does the trick but sometimes it doesn't.
I have contacted people to investigate why you didn't come home. The burns you had should not have resulted like this. You should be home and I should be watching you grow and play and dance. I should be watching you smile at your favorite commercials and Icarly and TUFF puppy and Wonder pets. The people I contacted said that they do wish to investigate which means I may be right. The accident at home may not have been the only accident you suffered. They think the hospital may be at fault. Part of me wants to believe that may be the case because in all honesty, it doesn't make sense. Part of me just wants it to all go away and to go back to my jogging and running and walking and mathematics and just say enough is enough. I'm letting them investigate the hospital though. Maybe an answer will help me cope? Maybe it will make things harder with coping? I'm not sure but at least this way I may have the answers. Maybe. Regardless, one thing stays the same and thats the fact that you aren't comming back. Some people have said I just need to accept it and thats the problem, I have accepted it I just can't ever be satisfied with it. I can't ever be content with it. It makes me angry, it makes me sad, it upsets me, it depresses me. I look around and see everyone else holding their babies, taking care of their children but I can't. I have a crib that smells like you but no you. I have your favorite toys but no you to play with them. I have the memories of you but no future to discover about you. Its not fair, then again, I have discovered over and over again in this that life is never fair.
I love you, Damian...even though you no longer breath it will never close the spot in my heart for you. You were everything I had wanted in life. I wanted a baby boy and you were him. I wanted to be a mom and you gave me that for a short while. I will always miss you. I will always wish I had you longer in my life and I will always wonder just who you would have been and what you would have looked like years from now. I wonder how much you would have changed in the last 6 months...what you would be able to say and do now.
If there is life after death, I hope you realize how much I love and miss you and how much I always will.
I love you Buggy
-Your Mamum
I wanted to let you know I miss you so much. About 2 days ago I had a breakdown of some sort. I missed you so much, I always miss you but it hit me really hard on the 2nd. Another month gone by without you in it I suppose.
I saw a baby on that day as well, he resembled you when you were a littler baby. He was in the stage where he was grabbing anything and everything to chew on. I remember when you were teething. You were alway so good. You chewed on things but you never screamed like I've seen most babies do. I'd give anything to turn back time even to see you teething again...to see you period.
I keep looking at your pictures. Why can't I just wake up and this be some horrible nightmare that you aren't here? Why can't I just be in some sort of fake hell? I just want to know you are still alive but I know you aren't. I remember always having to check on you before I went to sleep to make sure you were still breathing just because you were so unreal. You were the best thing in the world to me. Now, I can barely go into your room at all. Your crib is still set up in there just the way you left it but without your pillow and blanket or toys. In place of those is your organ donor certificate. Your room still smells like you, it still feels like you, but there is no you. I don't go in there to check on you anymore because I know you aren't there. I know you aren't still breathing. I know you aren't okay.
Sometimes I'll catch myself laying awake in bed and waiting to hear you wake up for your nightly squeal of joy and rocking your crib. You did that most nights right after I checked on you. You would play a few moments squealing for joy and then go back to sleep sucking your thumb. You never screamed. I don't hear the squeal of joy and you playing with your stuffed possum in there.
Often when I close my eyes I have to try to make sure my mind is clear. I try to drown out the memories of the scream from the accident with your squeals of joy, otherwise I break down. Sometimes I break down anyways but I can stop it most times now. I try to ignore the loop my mind goes into of that horrible day. I have been taking up walking and running and jogging so that I'm too worn out to pace the house because you aren't here dancing and laughing and squealing. I have been studying math until I can't think anymore to try to tire my brain from dwelling and circling and most days it does the trick but sometimes it doesn't.
I have contacted people to investigate why you didn't come home. The burns you had should not have resulted like this. You should be home and I should be watching you grow and play and dance. I should be watching you smile at your favorite commercials and Icarly and TUFF puppy and Wonder pets. The people I contacted said that they do wish to investigate which means I may be right. The accident at home may not have been the only accident you suffered. They think the hospital may be at fault. Part of me wants to believe that may be the case because in all honesty, it doesn't make sense. Part of me just wants it to all go away and to go back to my jogging and running and walking and mathematics and just say enough is enough. I'm letting them investigate the hospital though. Maybe an answer will help me cope? Maybe it will make things harder with coping? I'm not sure but at least this way I may have the answers. Maybe. Regardless, one thing stays the same and thats the fact that you aren't comming back. Some people have said I just need to accept it and thats the problem, I have accepted it I just can't ever be satisfied with it. I can't ever be content with it. It makes me angry, it makes me sad, it upsets me, it depresses me. I look around and see everyone else holding their babies, taking care of their children but I can't. I have a crib that smells like you but no you. I have your favorite toys but no you to play with them. I have the memories of you but no future to discover about you. Its not fair, then again, I have discovered over and over again in this that life is never fair.
I love you, Damian...even though you no longer breath it will never close the spot in my heart for you. You were everything I had wanted in life. I wanted a baby boy and you were him. I wanted to be a mom and you gave me that for a short while. I will always miss you. I will always wish I had you longer in my life and I will always wonder just who you would have been and what you would have looked like years from now. I wonder how much you would have changed in the last 6 months...what you would be able to say and do now.
If there is life after death, I hope you realize how much I love and miss you and how much I always will.
I love you Buggy
-Your Mamum
Monday, May 9, 2011
Letter to Damian 5/9/2011
Damian,
I had a horrible nightmare that lasted all night last night. It was about you. I kept trying to wake up from it but I would close my eyes and the nightmare would continue. What actualy happend to you was nightmarish enough but this was just horrible.
I was at the hospital waiting for them to tell me what was going on with you. You were still alive. I wanted to hold you and sing to you and be there for you. They kept telling me you were dead. I was in the elevator and all the sudden they brought out this bag and you were in it, crying. You were reaching and wanting your Mamum. I took the bag away and took you out and held you. I felt your weight in my arms so vividly. I smelled you, I sang to you. They kept telling me it didn't matter that you were dying fast but I held you and sang to you anyway. I didn't let you go.
All night long I held you. Your face was red and you felt hot. They said multiple infections had taken over your body but I held you anyways. I wasn't going to let you feel alone like that. Whenever I held you and sang to you the crying eased and you just kept saying "mamum".
You suffered...all night. It tore me up inside. You suffered so long in my dream and when I finaly let go you did too. You died in the end. I saw you take your last breath.
I was finally able to wake up from this nightmare at about 7am today. I hope I never have one that bad again. While it was wonderful to feel you, smell you, hold you and hear you again...I wouldn't ever want you to suffer like that. Losing you could have been so much worse...that could have been real.
You were asleep when you coded, you never woke up. I don't know if anything is better or worse when it all comes down to losing you but I am relieved that you didn't suffer like you did in my nightmare. The nightmare still haunts me, losing you still haunts me and its going to be one of those days that I don't know how I'm going to make it through but you didn't suffer like that...it was a nightmare that showed you suffering. The pain I'm left with is still that I woke up from the horrible nightmare and you're still gone...
I love and miss you Damian...
always will
your Mamum
I had a horrible nightmare that lasted all night last night. It was about you. I kept trying to wake up from it but I would close my eyes and the nightmare would continue. What actualy happend to you was nightmarish enough but this was just horrible.
I was at the hospital waiting for them to tell me what was going on with you. You were still alive. I wanted to hold you and sing to you and be there for you. They kept telling me you were dead. I was in the elevator and all the sudden they brought out this bag and you were in it, crying. You were reaching and wanting your Mamum. I took the bag away and took you out and held you. I felt your weight in my arms so vividly. I smelled you, I sang to you. They kept telling me it didn't matter that you were dying fast but I held you and sang to you anyway. I didn't let you go.
All night long I held you. Your face was red and you felt hot. They said multiple infections had taken over your body but I held you anyways. I wasn't going to let you feel alone like that. Whenever I held you and sang to you the crying eased and you just kept saying "mamum".
You suffered...all night. It tore me up inside. You suffered so long in my dream and when I finaly let go you did too. You died in the end. I saw you take your last breath.
I was finally able to wake up from this nightmare at about 7am today. I hope I never have one that bad again. While it was wonderful to feel you, smell you, hold you and hear you again...I wouldn't ever want you to suffer like that. Losing you could have been so much worse...that could have been real.
You were asleep when you coded, you never woke up. I don't know if anything is better or worse when it all comes down to losing you but I am relieved that you didn't suffer like you did in my nightmare. The nightmare still haunts me, losing you still haunts me and its going to be one of those days that I don't know how I'm going to make it through but you didn't suffer like that...it was a nightmare that showed you suffering. The pain I'm left with is still that I woke up from the horrible nightmare and you're still gone...
I love and miss you Damian...
always will
your Mamum
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Letter to Damian 4-26-2011
Damian,
I have been missing you so much. I never seem to stop missing you. Its been so rough with your 'Adada' gone. He ended up having to go back to the job he had while you were alive. I haven't been able to sleep much. Everytime I close my eyes and your dada isn't home I get flashbacks of the horrible nightmare that was real of your accident. I generaly wake up when I hear you cry in my nightmares of flashbacks. Whats scarey about it is I do wake up and I realize it really did happen. You're really gone.
I have never felt so empty in my life...nor so lonely. Sometimes I get scared. Will life always feel this empty and lonely? When I imagine life this way forever it makes me so sad that it takes all I have to keep from crying. I have gotten better at not crying though...
Your dada was supposed to be home tonight but his truck broke down the other day and he has to stay down in Oklahoma for days now. I don't know if I will even see him this week. You used to get so upset when that kind of thing would happen before. You always knew when he should have been home but wasn't. I am finding it difficult not to cry too when it comes to that. Everything is so empty in this house with just me here that today it has felt like its going to cave in on me.
Someone at the store asked what happend to you today. I walked to the dollar store down the block to get some rice and the lady that used to talk to you wanted to know what happend. I ended up going numb and told her what happend and how and the whole thing played again through my mind. It wasn't difficult. I seem to go numb when I tell people what happend and it always hits me hard later. On the way home the numbness faded, then when I got home I got cold and my stomach started turning, then I got shakey, then I got really sick to my stomach and I started shivering more. Now everything just feels meaningless and empty. I wish your dada were at least here. I need someone around me so badly when I get like this but the only person I have is your dada and he's out in the truck for who knows how long...its always so unpredictable with that company. I wish I had the comfort of knowing when he'd be here. I wish you were still here...and I wish I wasn't so lonely
I miss you Damian and I always will miss you. I'll always love you as well
love,
your Mamum
I have been missing you so much. I never seem to stop missing you. Its been so rough with your 'Adada' gone. He ended up having to go back to the job he had while you were alive. I haven't been able to sleep much. Everytime I close my eyes and your dada isn't home I get flashbacks of the horrible nightmare that was real of your accident. I generaly wake up when I hear you cry in my nightmares of flashbacks. Whats scarey about it is I do wake up and I realize it really did happen. You're really gone.
I have never felt so empty in my life...nor so lonely. Sometimes I get scared. Will life always feel this empty and lonely? When I imagine life this way forever it makes me so sad that it takes all I have to keep from crying. I have gotten better at not crying though...
Your dada was supposed to be home tonight but his truck broke down the other day and he has to stay down in Oklahoma for days now. I don't know if I will even see him this week. You used to get so upset when that kind of thing would happen before. You always knew when he should have been home but wasn't. I am finding it difficult not to cry too when it comes to that. Everything is so empty in this house with just me here that today it has felt like its going to cave in on me.
Someone at the store asked what happend to you today. I walked to the dollar store down the block to get some rice and the lady that used to talk to you wanted to know what happend. I ended up going numb and told her what happend and how and the whole thing played again through my mind. It wasn't difficult. I seem to go numb when I tell people what happend and it always hits me hard later. On the way home the numbness faded, then when I got home I got cold and my stomach started turning, then I got shakey, then I got really sick to my stomach and I started shivering more. Now everything just feels meaningless and empty. I wish your dada were at least here. I need someone around me so badly when I get like this but the only person I have is your dada and he's out in the truck for who knows how long...its always so unpredictable with that company. I wish I had the comfort of knowing when he'd be here. I wish you were still here...and I wish I wasn't so lonely
I miss you Damian and I always will miss you. I'll always love you as well
love,
your Mamum
Friday, April 15, 2011
Letter to Damian 4/15/2011
My little Cheekies,
No, Mamum hasn't forgotten your birthday. I could never forget your birthday. Ever. I did make your cake today..just as I said I would. Instead of marble cake though we are having yellow but the rest is the same. You liked anything of that sort though.
Today was beautiful during the day. Its looking like a storm is comming in this evening though. You liked both types of weather so I suppose it isn't so bad if you can see it. I wish I could have taken you to the park today...
You'd be 2 today. I wish you were here. Its felt so wrong without you dancing around...especially today. I did make a new memorial video for you the other day so it would be there when I have your memorial get together tomorrow. I miss you so much. If somehow you can see it its here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m9Bm501TTdI
I do hope you likey likey the video if you might be able to see it.
I miss you Damian....today would be perfect if you were here. If only.
love always
your Mamum
No, Mamum hasn't forgotten your birthday. I could never forget your birthday. Ever. I did make your cake today..just as I said I would. Instead of marble cake though we are having yellow but the rest is the same. You liked anything of that sort though.
Today was beautiful during the day. Its looking like a storm is comming in this evening though. You liked both types of weather so I suppose it isn't so bad if you can see it. I wish I could have taken you to the park today...
You'd be 2 today. I wish you were here. Its felt so wrong without you dancing around...especially today. I did make a new memorial video for you the other day so it would be there when I have your memorial get together tomorrow. I miss you so much. If somehow you can see it its here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m9Bm501TTdI
I do hope you likey likey the video if you might be able to see it.
I miss you Damian....today would be perfect if you were here. If only.
love always
your Mamum
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Letter to Damian 4/2/2011
My Baby Buggy
Another month has gone by without you. I miss you so much. The weather is starting to warm and there have been days lately I would have loved to take you to your favorite spot in the park. Sometimes it hurts so much to think of the things we'd be doing right now that I just lay on the couch you used to play on and kind of shut down staring out your window. I like to look out that window and see what you saw. You loved watching the cars and trees and the bushes. People would wave at you sometimes. I miss you...
I built your aquarium up a bit. Theres baby fish in there now since one of the mollies mumum bought had them a couple weeks ago. I'd like to put another plant in there, you never saw it with plants but I keep it pretty now and stocked with mollies in memory of you. Its in the corner your toys used to be you know. Your loaches are still alive and well in there too. I wish you could see it. Somedays I imagine you infront of it with that big smile of yours as you watch the fish.
On days like today I just want to curl up and cry but I'm going to try my best not to. You adada got a new job which he'll be starting week after next. After his orientation he'll be home nightly. I hope it works out and wish you could be here for it. You used to miss him so much and he would miss you.
You used to love the month of April. You got two cakes this month, one for mamum's birthday and one for yours. I'm still going to make a cake for your memorial this month I think...just the way you 'likey likey'd it. A nice marble home cooked cake with chocolate frosting and crushed m&ms on the top. Maybe everyone can get diabetes just looking at it and remember how energetic you were. I will still make your cake!
I love you my bug, always will.
Your Mamum
Another month has gone by without you. I miss you so much. The weather is starting to warm and there have been days lately I would have loved to take you to your favorite spot in the park. Sometimes it hurts so much to think of the things we'd be doing right now that I just lay on the couch you used to play on and kind of shut down staring out your window. I like to look out that window and see what you saw. You loved watching the cars and trees and the bushes. People would wave at you sometimes. I miss you...
I built your aquarium up a bit. Theres baby fish in there now since one of the mollies mumum bought had them a couple weeks ago. I'd like to put another plant in there, you never saw it with plants but I keep it pretty now and stocked with mollies in memory of you. Its in the corner your toys used to be you know. Your loaches are still alive and well in there too. I wish you could see it. Somedays I imagine you infront of it with that big smile of yours as you watch the fish.
On days like today I just want to curl up and cry but I'm going to try my best not to. You adada got a new job which he'll be starting week after next. After his orientation he'll be home nightly. I hope it works out and wish you could be here for it. You used to miss him so much and he would miss you.
You used to love the month of April. You got two cakes this month, one for mamum's birthday and one for yours. I'm still going to make a cake for your memorial this month I think...just the way you 'likey likey'd it. A nice marble home cooked cake with chocolate frosting and crushed m&ms on the top. Maybe everyone can get diabetes just looking at it and remember how energetic you were. I will still make your cake!
I love you my bug, always will.
Your Mamum
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Letter to Damian 3/12/2011
My lil Cheekies,
I am sorry I haven't typed to you on here recently. I have been talking to you instead. Usualy when I'm out and about when nobody else is around or whoever is around is sleeping. I desided today would be a good day to write you though since I've been struggling more and more to be okay with this new life I've been left with...maybe it will help.
Everybody keeps saying things are supposed to get better with time but they really don't seem to be doing so...therefore, I do not believe that they actualy will get better. I have noticed that people seem to think I'm doing better since I still smile and I have laughed as of late. I used to do such anyway and it made me feel worse but it hasn't so much made me feel worse as its a way of looking normal to the world outside and I'm getting used to it and it comes naturaly.
Maybe some people do get better. I feel..empty, just very empty. I feel like I died with you but still breath and I honestly believe that I did die. I'm still breathing, my heart is still beating but the mamum you knew just isn't really me. I have learned how normal people act that breath and that remain warm and alive and remembered how I was when you were alive and with me. I guess a good way of putting it is myself has just vanished to where ever you are and its not comming back. Ever. Maybe I'll get used to this new me, I can only hope because in all honesty I dont like it very much. If I get used to it maybe I'll be okay with it.
I have been able to go a few days here and there without having my daily breakdown of tears and sobs and shaking though they still come about. I don't know if tonight is going to be one of those nights or not.
I don't really sleep anymore, if I do its either really short or really long. I seem to have a pattern of one really long sleep a week. I miss you, buggy. As of the past couple days the longing to hold you has been extremely painful. The longing to hear you say 'mamum' has somewhat broken me and I can't seem to stop bringing up times where I heard you talk just so I can hear a whisper of your voice in memory and try so hard to remember your weight in my arms and your hands in my hair.
I like to believe that someday I will actualy see and feel you again, when I go to wherever you went to. I used to believe that long lives happend to most people but since losing you I don't know how long anyone or anything has including me. I hope if I have awhile that I will somehow find happy and fulfilling things to tell you about if I ever see you again...it really bothers me that you didn't get to learn all there is and see so much and do so much and maybe I'll be able to tell you about things you would have loved.
We got the coroner's report back not too long ago and it looks like everything would have been fine with you. I am upset that it looks to me like taking you to the hospital which should have been the right thing ended up being what hurt you. If I would have tended to you at home you would have been taken away from me but by taking you to the hospital you were taken away from me too. I was trying to do what was right but what is right in a situation like that? I'm so confused about so much, maybe when I talk to you tonight when I close my eyes you will answer.
I will always love you Damian
-Your Mamum
I am sorry I haven't typed to you on here recently. I have been talking to you instead. Usualy when I'm out and about when nobody else is around or whoever is around is sleeping. I desided today would be a good day to write you though since I've been struggling more and more to be okay with this new life I've been left with...maybe it will help.
Everybody keeps saying things are supposed to get better with time but they really don't seem to be doing so...therefore, I do not believe that they actualy will get better. I have noticed that people seem to think I'm doing better since I still smile and I have laughed as of late. I used to do such anyway and it made me feel worse but it hasn't so much made me feel worse as its a way of looking normal to the world outside and I'm getting used to it and it comes naturaly.
Maybe some people do get better. I feel..empty, just very empty. I feel like I died with you but still breath and I honestly believe that I did die. I'm still breathing, my heart is still beating but the mamum you knew just isn't really me. I have learned how normal people act that breath and that remain warm and alive and remembered how I was when you were alive and with me. I guess a good way of putting it is myself has just vanished to where ever you are and its not comming back. Ever. Maybe I'll get used to this new me, I can only hope because in all honesty I dont like it very much. If I get used to it maybe I'll be okay with it.
I have been able to go a few days here and there without having my daily breakdown of tears and sobs and shaking though they still come about. I don't know if tonight is going to be one of those nights or not.
I don't really sleep anymore, if I do its either really short or really long. I seem to have a pattern of one really long sleep a week. I miss you, buggy. As of the past couple days the longing to hold you has been extremely painful. The longing to hear you say 'mamum' has somewhat broken me and I can't seem to stop bringing up times where I heard you talk just so I can hear a whisper of your voice in memory and try so hard to remember your weight in my arms and your hands in my hair.
I like to believe that someday I will actualy see and feel you again, when I go to wherever you went to. I used to believe that long lives happend to most people but since losing you I don't know how long anyone or anything has including me. I hope if I have awhile that I will somehow find happy and fulfilling things to tell you about if I ever see you again...it really bothers me that you didn't get to learn all there is and see so much and do so much and maybe I'll be able to tell you about things you would have loved.
We got the coroner's report back not too long ago and it looks like everything would have been fine with you. I am upset that it looks to me like taking you to the hospital which should have been the right thing ended up being what hurt you. If I would have tended to you at home you would have been taken away from me but by taking you to the hospital you were taken away from me too. I was trying to do what was right but what is right in a situation like that? I'm so confused about so much, maybe when I talk to you tonight when I close my eyes you will answer.
I will always love you Damian
-Your Mamum
Monday, February 7, 2011
Letter to Damian 2/7/2011
Damian
I've been having a rough time with living without you. That pup I got to help chase away the quiet was sold to me with parvo and he was euthanized 2/3/2011...exactly one month and one day after you were pronounced dead. Now its even more quiet than it was if I just hadn't gotten the pup. I swear I feel like poisen. I'm honestly afraid to get close to anyone or anything right now because I'm afraid being close to me is a death sentence for life. I fear for Zander and Tonks and your Adada because I love them and things I love seem to just die. Maybe if you had had a different Mamum you would have lived a nice long life like you deserved and should have lived. I don't know but I do know I feel sometimes like I'm dead but feeling the pain. Not the dead that ends but the dead of ongoing knawing pain.
I just want to touch you and hold you. I ache so desperately for your touch, your voice, your smell. I need to hold you but its not possible, your ashes are on my book case...I couldn't even pretend there may be a way you would just magicaly spring to life and climb out of your grave. I get angry at myself for my body keeping going. Why isn't there an end to this horrible pain? Is this my punishment for walking into the livingroom with the pan on the stove? I don't wish to die, I'm not suicidal but I want you here with me. I need you here with me. People seem to think that I wish to die because you died but I don't want to do such, I want you ALIVE and with me. It gets harder and harder each day knowing that I'm not an active Mamum and that nobody looks up to me and smiles at me and laughs at the silly face I make when I'm thinking and moving my lip ring. I made cookies once since you've passed on and there were no little hands sneaking up to steal them off the counter. Why was I given you, my biggest dream in life to be a Mamum and then you were so quickly taken away?
I get people all the time saying its gods will, god wanted another angel, god did this, god needed you, have faith in god. I had faith in god in the hospital and if god was there he would have known how badly I need you. Any god would know that I would suffer horribly without you. If it was god and he just needed you to have an angel why did he take the pup that helped chase away this silence? He needed the pup too? I've been told you wanted the puppy to play with but I don't buy that either. I don't think you would want the puppy to die and for me to be miserable like this or do you? I don't think that is the case. I also don't believe any wonderful god would be that damn greedy. I hate to say it, well I don't hate to unfortunatly, but I have lost any ounce of faith. If this all was 'gods doing' then god must be a horrible horrible thing and I don't want it.
I love you Damian and I think of you every second of the day
You are still my whole world and everything in it...even though you are gone and my world is empty now
Love always and forever
-Your Mamum
I've been having a rough time with living without you. That pup I got to help chase away the quiet was sold to me with parvo and he was euthanized 2/3/2011...exactly one month and one day after you were pronounced dead. Now its even more quiet than it was if I just hadn't gotten the pup. I swear I feel like poisen. I'm honestly afraid to get close to anyone or anything right now because I'm afraid being close to me is a death sentence for life. I fear for Zander and Tonks and your Adada because I love them and things I love seem to just die. Maybe if you had had a different Mamum you would have lived a nice long life like you deserved and should have lived. I don't know but I do know I feel sometimes like I'm dead but feeling the pain. Not the dead that ends but the dead of ongoing knawing pain.
I just want to touch you and hold you. I ache so desperately for your touch, your voice, your smell. I need to hold you but its not possible, your ashes are on my book case...I couldn't even pretend there may be a way you would just magicaly spring to life and climb out of your grave. I get angry at myself for my body keeping going. Why isn't there an end to this horrible pain? Is this my punishment for walking into the livingroom with the pan on the stove? I don't wish to die, I'm not suicidal but I want you here with me. I need you here with me. People seem to think that I wish to die because you died but I don't want to do such, I want you ALIVE and with me. It gets harder and harder each day knowing that I'm not an active Mamum and that nobody looks up to me and smiles at me and laughs at the silly face I make when I'm thinking and moving my lip ring. I made cookies once since you've passed on and there were no little hands sneaking up to steal them off the counter. Why was I given you, my biggest dream in life to be a Mamum and then you were so quickly taken away?
I get people all the time saying its gods will, god wanted another angel, god did this, god needed you, have faith in god. I had faith in god in the hospital and if god was there he would have known how badly I need you. Any god would know that I would suffer horribly without you. If it was god and he just needed you to have an angel why did he take the pup that helped chase away this silence? He needed the pup too? I've been told you wanted the puppy to play with but I don't buy that either. I don't think you would want the puppy to die and for me to be miserable like this or do you? I don't think that is the case. I also don't believe any wonderful god would be that damn greedy. I hate to say it, well I don't hate to unfortunatly, but I have lost any ounce of faith. If this all was 'gods doing' then god must be a horrible horrible thing and I don't want it.
I love you Damian and I think of you every second of the day
You are still my whole world and everything in it...even though you are gone and my world is empty now
Love always and forever
-Your Mamum
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Letter to Damian 2/2/2011
Damian
As of today it has been 1 month since they pronounced you brain dead. Its odd, some days it feels like I held you just yesterday and you were smiling and laughing at the noz noz noz and the nommies and doing the Damian dance and other days it feels like you were only a dream, a wishful thought, or a prayer. I haven't written you in a couple days because I haven't been able to bring myself to a state where I could really concentrate. I do okay sometimes and it seems like I'll do really good for a little while and then it will hit me again and I'll be so depressed I can barely function. I had so many plans for us this spring and summer and the ones to follow. I even had plans for the day of the accident and it tears me up knowing all the things we never got to do and I never got to see you smile over them. I never even got to see you be bored or embarassed out of your mind by the silly things Mamum wanted to do such as; silly mamum wanted to take you to see Tulsa OK during an ice storm and whats in Tulsa? Or silly mamum still made you an m&m chocolate cake on your 16th birthday or something. I'll never get to see you live those days and the loss is so traumendus.
I want so badly, would give anything just to see you smile one more time, that smile that lit up the entire world over the silly McDonalds commercial or the intro to T.U.F.F Puppy or ICarley or the smile you got when you got to go to the park in the summer time and go wee down the slide while you went "yeee" and your big blue eyes sparkled with so much life and happiness. I'd give anything just to feel you hold tight to me again and talk about your Adada or to do your famous "ha ha ha" while you pulled the babygate out of the way with what looked effortless as you marched into an area anyways and I got to chase after you while you squeeled with joy. Damian, I miss you so very much that its overwhelming a lot of times. I enjoyed every moment of watching you grow and I really didn't and still don't want to believe that this is what you would be, dead at 20 months old. I used to sit there and smile while watching you enjoy your bath bath bath and splash water around while doing the squeel of joy that I swore would break glass and I would ponder who you would be and what you would do days, months, and years down the road. How can it just end like that? Why? Its not fair. The last thing and most impossible thing for me to even imagine was that you would die a toddler.
I keep trying to figure out what to do with myself since I don't take care of you 24/7 anymore. I hate not being Mamum. It hurts. I always wanted to be a mother and now I'm not. I know I will always be the one that mothered you for just under 2 years but you're gone. I wouldn't trade that time I got my dream come true for anything but I'm greedy and wanted more time. I wanted to die an active mom...most of all I wanted to watch you grow up and be...you. I miss you Damian and I wish I could bring you back. I still feel I failed you by not being able to save you. I'm your mamum, mamums are supposed to protect their babies and make their boo boos better. I failed you.
I had a dream about you on the 31st of January and you were doing you Damian dance and the cheerful noise you used to do when you did the dance. I didn't want to wake up from that dream. I grew angry for several days and depressed that I had to wake up from the dream of you stomping and placing your feet stretegicaly through the room with your dance noise and your footsie pajamas only on your arms and trailing in the air behind you like a cape. You were my little superhero that made my dream come true even if it was a short lived time. I'm sorry I failed you by not being able to make it better, by not making sure you couldn't get to that saucepan of water, and by not being able to bring you back from the nappy medicine they gave you in the hospital. I miss you Damian, I love you more than the entire world and I will always love you and I'm sorry that I couldn't make it all okay. I can only hope you forgive me for not being able to bring you back from the hospital.
love you always and you are always on my mind
Your Mamum
As of today it has been 1 month since they pronounced you brain dead. Its odd, some days it feels like I held you just yesterday and you were smiling and laughing at the noz noz noz and the nommies and doing the Damian dance and other days it feels like you were only a dream, a wishful thought, or a prayer. I haven't written you in a couple days because I haven't been able to bring myself to a state where I could really concentrate. I do okay sometimes and it seems like I'll do really good for a little while and then it will hit me again and I'll be so depressed I can barely function. I had so many plans for us this spring and summer and the ones to follow. I even had plans for the day of the accident and it tears me up knowing all the things we never got to do and I never got to see you smile over them. I never even got to see you be bored or embarassed out of your mind by the silly things Mamum wanted to do such as; silly mamum wanted to take you to see Tulsa OK during an ice storm and whats in Tulsa? Or silly mamum still made you an m&m chocolate cake on your 16th birthday or something. I'll never get to see you live those days and the loss is so traumendus.
I want so badly, would give anything just to see you smile one more time, that smile that lit up the entire world over the silly McDonalds commercial or the intro to T.U.F.F Puppy or ICarley or the smile you got when you got to go to the park in the summer time and go wee down the slide while you went "yeee" and your big blue eyes sparkled with so much life and happiness. I'd give anything just to feel you hold tight to me again and talk about your Adada or to do your famous "ha ha ha" while you pulled the babygate out of the way with what looked effortless as you marched into an area anyways and I got to chase after you while you squeeled with joy. Damian, I miss you so very much that its overwhelming a lot of times. I enjoyed every moment of watching you grow and I really didn't and still don't want to believe that this is what you would be, dead at 20 months old. I used to sit there and smile while watching you enjoy your bath bath bath and splash water around while doing the squeel of joy that I swore would break glass and I would ponder who you would be and what you would do days, months, and years down the road. How can it just end like that? Why? Its not fair. The last thing and most impossible thing for me to even imagine was that you would die a toddler.
I keep trying to figure out what to do with myself since I don't take care of you 24/7 anymore. I hate not being Mamum. It hurts. I always wanted to be a mother and now I'm not. I know I will always be the one that mothered you for just under 2 years but you're gone. I wouldn't trade that time I got my dream come true for anything but I'm greedy and wanted more time. I wanted to die an active mom...most of all I wanted to watch you grow up and be...you. I miss you Damian and I wish I could bring you back. I still feel I failed you by not being able to save you. I'm your mamum, mamums are supposed to protect their babies and make their boo boos better. I failed you.
I had a dream about you on the 31st of January and you were doing you Damian dance and the cheerful noise you used to do when you did the dance. I didn't want to wake up from that dream. I grew angry for several days and depressed that I had to wake up from the dream of you stomping and placing your feet stretegicaly through the room with your dance noise and your footsie pajamas only on your arms and trailing in the air behind you like a cape. You were my little superhero that made my dream come true even if it was a short lived time. I'm sorry I failed you by not being able to make it better, by not making sure you couldn't get to that saucepan of water, and by not being able to bring you back from the nappy medicine they gave you in the hospital. I miss you Damian, I love you more than the entire world and I will always love you and I'm sorry that I couldn't make it all okay. I can only hope you forgive me for not being able to bring you back from the hospital.
love you always and you are always on my mind
Your Mamum
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Letter to Damian 1/26/2011
Hey Buggy
I'm sorry that I haven't written you in a couple days, I needed a bit of distance from the computer. I've missed writting you but I have things to tell you about. I tried getting that puppy I was telling you about the day before the accident. The puppy you saw and smiled at in the picture didn't work out. He didn't appreciate Zander, Tonks or your Dada. I didn't want your family to be hurt so I took him back and your puppy and kitty and Dada are safe. I did get a different puppy that you would love. I drove a 5 hour round trip to get him and thought of the smile you would have on your face seeing this puppy. We named him Dobby. You remember Dobby don't you? From Harry Potter. He has been keeping Mamum busy and its helped to break the silence and lack of chaos about the house. It also gives me mess to clean up.
I was able to make breakfast today. Little by little I'm begining to cook again though its still very difficult. I even washed your table today...that was really difficult but your handprints are still on the couch and on the covered window. All in time but those are for another day. Your Dada and I took the carseat out of the car the other day just in case so it wouldn't get ruined by the luck I seem to have and it is now safely in your room. That was really difficult and your puppy (Zander) was really upset about it. I think he was hoping you would come back. Sometimes he seems to understand and sometimes he doesn't, not completely unlike everyone else. Your Zander mourns you quite a bit some days but he is at least eating now. He will be okay so I don't want you to worry about him.
I burned my hand lightly under some hot water by accident last night. It brought back the wonder about how much pain you were in which really tore me up inside. I know you aren't in pain anymore but whatever powers that be know it hurt me to know you hurt at all. I just hope that it didn't hurt too bad, I just hope your brain told it not to hurt. I also got a letter from the health department telling me I missed your shot you were do for this month. It would have been the last shot you needed for awhile and it stirred up some rather uncomfortable emotions. I'm supposed to be watching you grow...not learning how to cope with life without you. I guess I don't have a choice in that though and I need to continue to take care of your family in honor of you.
I love and miss you so much my little buggy...always will
Your Mamum
I'm sorry that I haven't written you in a couple days, I needed a bit of distance from the computer. I've missed writting you but I have things to tell you about. I tried getting that puppy I was telling you about the day before the accident. The puppy you saw and smiled at in the picture didn't work out. He didn't appreciate Zander, Tonks or your Dada. I didn't want your family to be hurt so I took him back and your puppy and kitty and Dada are safe. I did get a different puppy that you would love. I drove a 5 hour round trip to get him and thought of the smile you would have on your face seeing this puppy. We named him Dobby. You remember Dobby don't you? From Harry Potter. He has been keeping Mamum busy and its helped to break the silence and lack of chaos about the house. It also gives me mess to clean up.
I was able to make breakfast today. Little by little I'm begining to cook again though its still very difficult. I even washed your table today...that was really difficult but your handprints are still on the couch and on the covered window. All in time but those are for another day. Your Dada and I took the carseat out of the car the other day just in case so it wouldn't get ruined by the luck I seem to have and it is now safely in your room. That was really difficult and your puppy (Zander) was really upset about it. I think he was hoping you would come back. Sometimes he seems to understand and sometimes he doesn't, not completely unlike everyone else. Your Zander mourns you quite a bit some days but he is at least eating now. He will be okay so I don't want you to worry about him.
I burned my hand lightly under some hot water by accident last night. It brought back the wonder about how much pain you were in which really tore me up inside. I know you aren't in pain anymore but whatever powers that be know it hurt me to know you hurt at all. I just hope that it didn't hurt too bad, I just hope your brain told it not to hurt. I also got a letter from the health department telling me I missed your shot you were do for this month. It would have been the last shot you needed for awhile and it stirred up some rather uncomfortable emotions. I'm supposed to be watching you grow...not learning how to cope with life without you. I guess I don't have a choice in that though and I need to continue to take care of your family in honor of you.
I love and miss you so much my little buggy...always will
Your Mamum
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Letter to Damian 1/22/2011
Damian,
I was realising today how much you have inspired other parents to cherish every moment with their kids. You are truely amazing even after you are gone. I plan on writing lifeconnections of ohio today since I got ahold of them a couple days ago. Did you know you saved two lives? Your liver went to a 2 year old little girl who might not have made it if she hadn't gotten your donation (they dont have machines and chemicals to take over the liver function) and your kidneys went to a 54 year old woman. I hope to meet both people someday. You truely are a little superhero.
I have been getting a lot of people wanting the hospital names of where you had been treated so they can donate in your name to the hospitals. I know it shouldn't trouble me but it does. We have reason to believe you would be home today eating lunch right now if the tube they put in you under seditive hadn't been at least 2 sizes too small. Your actual injuries were only 1st and 2nd degree and we are waiting on results and doing some digging to find out why you aren't merrily chattering about your lunch right now. The neurologist that declaired you dead had said his belief was that it was the tubing that did it for you as you were breathing and responding just fine when they had desided to preumptively put the tube in just to be safe. I'm not going to say one way or the other until I know for sure but we have reason to believe it was possible for you to be home already.
trying to find answers while loving and missing you always
Your Mamum
[Since I have gotten a lot of requests for what hospitals to make donations to please know I do not wish any donations to go to the hospitals. Thank you for your thoughtfulness but under these circumstances I would rather not have a donation in his name to the hospitals. If you must make a donation in Damian's name to somewhere try lifeconnections of ohio for organ donation, after all they saved someone's two year old little girl. You may also try donating to an animal shelter since Damian loved his puppy that I rescued off of craigslist who was a year old lab when I got him. Another good cause in Damian's name would be kitchen safety awareness for children as if there were more awareness of the dangers of a kitchen he may not have gotten hurt in one. Thank you everyone for your thoughtfulness. -Angela]
I was realising today how much you have inspired other parents to cherish every moment with their kids. You are truely amazing even after you are gone. I plan on writing lifeconnections of ohio today since I got ahold of them a couple days ago. Did you know you saved two lives? Your liver went to a 2 year old little girl who might not have made it if she hadn't gotten your donation (they dont have machines and chemicals to take over the liver function) and your kidneys went to a 54 year old woman. I hope to meet both people someday. You truely are a little superhero.
I have been getting a lot of people wanting the hospital names of where you had been treated so they can donate in your name to the hospitals. I know it shouldn't trouble me but it does. We have reason to believe you would be home today eating lunch right now if the tube they put in you under seditive hadn't been at least 2 sizes too small. Your actual injuries were only 1st and 2nd degree and we are waiting on results and doing some digging to find out why you aren't merrily chattering about your lunch right now. The neurologist that declaired you dead had said his belief was that it was the tubing that did it for you as you were breathing and responding just fine when they had desided to preumptively put the tube in just to be safe. I'm not going to say one way or the other until I know for sure but we have reason to believe it was possible for you to be home already.
trying to find answers while loving and missing you always
Your Mamum
[Since I have gotten a lot of requests for what hospitals to make donations to please know I do not wish any donations to go to the hospitals. Thank you for your thoughtfulness but under these circumstances I would rather not have a donation in his name to the hospitals. If you must make a donation in Damian's name to somewhere try lifeconnections of ohio for organ donation, after all they saved someone's two year old little girl. You may also try donating to an animal shelter since Damian loved his puppy that I rescued off of craigslist who was a year old lab when I got him. Another good cause in Damian's name would be kitchen safety awareness for children as if there were more awareness of the dangers of a kitchen he may not have gotten hurt in one. Thank you everyone for your thoughtfulness. -Angela]
Friday, January 21, 2011
Letter to Damian 1-21-2011
Damian
I'm sorry I didn't write you this morning as I normaly do. Gods my head has been so foggybrained. I rearranged the livingroom last night a bit so it looked different in a couple ways. It hurt a lot but at least it doesn't continualy hurt now. I went to walmart and got a couple picture frames too. I want to make it look a bit more like home by hanging a few pictures of you around the house.
Another good thing that I did was I got my phone to turn back on somehow and I got the couple of pictures on that phone that I cherished of you. I hadn't been able to get my phone to turn on since the day they declaired you brain dead.
I went into your room last night and sat there talking to you. I don't know if you could hear me or not but I was saying it was hard on me because I still have most of your favorite toys, your crib which was your most favorite toy, and some of my favorite cloths to put on you as well as your blankets and still no you. I'd do anything in the world to be able to check on you in your crib in the middle of the night as I did every night and make sure you are okay. What hurts the most is I know you aren't okay and thats why you aren't there.
I would do anything for just one more moment of holding you my lil bug
loving you and missing you always
your Mamum
I'm sorry I didn't write you this morning as I normaly do. Gods my head has been so foggybrained. I rearranged the livingroom last night a bit so it looked different in a couple ways. It hurt a lot but at least it doesn't continualy hurt now. I went to walmart and got a couple picture frames too. I want to make it look a bit more like home by hanging a few pictures of you around the house.
Another good thing that I did was I got my phone to turn back on somehow and I got the couple of pictures on that phone that I cherished of you. I hadn't been able to get my phone to turn on since the day they declaired you brain dead.
I went into your room last night and sat there talking to you. I don't know if you could hear me or not but I was saying it was hard on me because I still have most of your favorite toys, your crib which was your most favorite toy, and some of my favorite cloths to put on you as well as your blankets and still no you. I'd do anything in the world to be able to check on you in your crib in the middle of the night as I did every night and make sure you are okay. What hurts the most is I know you aren't okay and thats why you aren't there.
I would do anything for just one more moment of holding you my lil bug
loving you and missing you always
your Mamum
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Letter to Damian 1/20/2011
Damian,
yesterday was difficult for me. I could barely function and it didn't even help to try to get out of the house. I just mourned you so badly that I even felt chest pain. Last night was even more difficult. I started choking back tears if I went somewhere and when I finaly just got to the car I cried, then came home and cried for longer. When I looked back on the memories of you and your big smiles and all your squeels of joy and dances it hurt worse. I'm greedy, I want more of those smiles. You smiled every day of your life but it wasn't enough. Will I ever be able to go through a day with no tears? I finaly was able to stop crying this morning but the pain still lingers. I want your happiness in my home!
I made your cocoa oat cookies which was difficult and they don't taste as good without you snagging them off of the counter going "haha HA" with your little pointy tongue sticking out between smiling lips. You knew how to make me laugh and god knows you know how to make me cry rivers. I can't live with all this quiet forever. I miss your chaotic tossing of toys and trying to run off with my computer mouse, stealing my soda bottle from right beside me and the Damian dance.
There are times it feels like my life ended the day of the accident and then there I times I wish this pain would just kill me and be the end of all this pain. I'm not sure how people think that you experienced more pain than I ever will because this pain doesn't end. I know you don't hurt anymore but this pain is hard and lingering and doesn't ever fully go away. I guess its good that the pain remains with me. I would rather feel all the pain if it has to be this way. If there is no other choice but me going on without your happiness in my life then I will live with all the pain.
Still loving, missing and needing you with me
Your Mamum
yesterday was difficult for me. I could barely function and it didn't even help to try to get out of the house. I just mourned you so badly that I even felt chest pain. Last night was even more difficult. I started choking back tears if I went somewhere and when I finaly just got to the car I cried, then came home and cried for longer. When I looked back on the memories of you and your big smiles and all your squeels of joy and dances it hurt worse. I'm greedy, I want more of those smiles. You smiled every day of your life but it wasn't enough. Will I ever be able to go through a day with no tears? I finaly was able to stop crying this morning but the pain still lingers. I want your happiness in my home!
I made your cocoa oat cookies which was difficult and they don't taste as good without you snagging them off of the counter going "haha HA" with your little pointy tongue sticking out between smiling lips. You knew how to make me laugh and god knows you know how to make me cry rivers. I can't live with all this quiet forever. I miss your chaotic tossing of toys and trying to run off with my computer mouse, stealing my soda bottle from right beside me and the Damian dance.
There are times it feels like my life ended the day of the accident and then there I times I wish this pain would just kill me and be the end of all this pain. I'm not sure how people think that you experienced more pain than I ever will because this pain doesn't end. I know you don't hurt anymore but this pain is hard and lingering and doesn't ever fully go away. I guess its good that the pain remains with me. I would rather feel all the pain if it has to be this way. If there is no other choice but me going on without your happiness in my life then I will live with all the pain.
Still loving, missing and needing you with me
Your Mamum
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Letter to Damian 1/19/2011
Damian,
Another day has gone by without you. I didn't do much yesterday and the only thing that stood out to distinguish yesterday from today is I went to your favorite resteraunt. It helps me stay alive to get out of this apartment so I will sit somewhere for hours...doesn't even really matter where just not here. I dreaded comming home of course because I know you aren't here. I did enjoy sitting in the tub I used to bath you in and sent my thoughts to you about missing you. I will never stop missing you.
I nosed around youtube a little bit and was expecting to see situations similar to yours in some sense when I typed in loss of a toddler and toddler death. I expected to see these families mourning the loss of all the joy they had in life because thats how I have felt. I was wrong about what I would find. I found these news clips instantly about mothers that leave their babies in buildings to fend for themselves against fires and mothers that put their babies in ovens and throw them off of overpasses. Some of these babies live knowing their mother tried to harm them. I cried. How could anyone do those things to their joy in life? I could never relate to those mothers. I felt guilty for turning my back to do something and you pulled the pot of water down and I tried everything to save you, how could these women purposely do things to harm their toddlers? I don't even want to understand it. I guess I got a bit of peace knowing that I held you after the accident trying to help you, holding you so the doctors could help you and the last thing you saw was me crying in fear of you being hurt and fear of you being taken away from me in any way. The last words you heard were that I was sorry for turning my back and that I loved you so much. I guess at least you knew that I didn't want you hurting and I feared losing you and that I love you.
Always love and miss you
Your Mamum
Another day has gone by without you. I didn't do much yesterday and the only thing that stood out to distinguish yesterday from today is I went to your favorite resteraunt. It helps me stay alive to get out of this apartment so I will sit somewhere for hours...doesn't even really matter where just not here. I dreaded comming home of course because I know you aren't here. I did enjoy sitting in the tub I used to bath you in and sent my thoughts to you about missing you. I will never stop missing you.
I nosed around youtube a little bit and was expecting to see situations similar to yours in some sense when I typed in loss of a toddler and toddler death. I expected to see these families mourning the loss of all the joy they had in life because thats how I have felt. I was wrong about what I would find. I found these news clips instantly about mothers that leave their babies in buildings to fend for themselves against fires and mothers that put their babies in ovens and throw them off of overpasses. Some of these babies live knowing their mother tried to harm them. I cried. How could anyone do those things to their joy in life? I could never relate to those mothers. I felt guilty for turning my back to do something and you pulled the pot of water down and I tried everything to save you, how could these women purposely do things to harm their toddlers? I don't even want to understand it. I guess I got a bit of peace knowing that I held you after the accident trying to help you, holding you so the doctors could help you and the last thing you saw was me crying in fear of you being hurt and fear of you being taken away from me in any way. The last words you heard were that I was sorry for turning my back and that I loved you so much. I guess at least you knew that I didn't want you hurting and I feared losing you and that I love you.
Always love and miss you
Your Mamum
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Letter to Damian 1/18/2011
Damian,
I went to see your Grandpa yesterday. You never did get to meet him but you would have loved him. I'm so sorry that the times we had shown up to try to see him he had been somewhere else...I should have tried more often and harder to get you to meet him. I could just imagine you playing matchbox cars with him and looking at all his old car books. I can only imagine you spending hours with him in the garage looking at cars.
I felt a bit better after seeing him and telling him about you. Dad had never been the comforting sort in the past but he seemed to know how to act and what to say and I realized how much I loved and missed him. I felt a bit more at peace on the hour and a half drive home. Your adada met him for the first time and really liked him so I know you would have loved him.
I woke up late today because I stayed up extra late last night. I was hit with the images of the accident as soon as I walked into this apartment. I tried to drown out the flashbacks of that day with images of you dancing and laughing, it wouldnt work so I got desperate and tried to remember all the wonderful things sent in e-mails to me about being a good mother and instead one email stood out where someone who sent me a 'tough love' email haunted me. She had kept trying to get me to get to counslers and medication and I kept telling her no. She wrote back what looked to be an angry message that I was having self pity and you went through so much pain that I needed to be strong and stop living in misery unless I liked it.
The part that really haunted me about it, since I will cope with things in my own way and not really think much if someone chooses to think I'm weak and living in self pity and liking misery, was that she said you were in more pain than I will ever know. I don't know if it is true or not but it messed with me and I collapsed in thought about it while crying. Were you in pain? I know burns hurt but whenever I have gotten a burn, even a bad one it hurts for a couple seconds and then goes numb unless you touch it. I know you couldn't have hurt after they put you on morphine and the seditive especially because you went to sleep for the tube. Part of me wishes I could face the same thing you did just to be sure that you wern't in too much pain and if you were to punish myself more for turning my back those couple seconds. The other part of me just wants to believe since you were acting normal aside from a couple whimpers now and then every couple minutes that you were just a little 'owie'. Unfortunatly I can't ask you but maybe someday I'll have the answer.
I love you my little buggy...I hope the lady was wrong about the amount of pain you had
-Mamum
I went to see your Grandpa yesterday. You never did get to meet him but you would have loved him. I'm so sorry that the times we had shown up to try to see him he had been somewhere else...I should have tried more often and harder to get you to meet him. I could just imagine you playing matchbox cars with him and looking at all his old car books. I can only imagine you spending hours with him in the garage looking at cars.
I felt a bit better after seeing him and telling him about you. Dad had never been the comforting sort in the past but he seemed to know how to act and what to say and I realized how much I loved and missed him. I felt a bit more at peace on the hour and a half drive home. Your adada met him for the first time and really liked him so I know you would have loved him.
I woke up late today because I stayed up extra late last night. I was hit with the images of the accident as soon as I walked into this apartment. I tried to drown out the flashbacks of that day with images of you dancing and laughing, it wouldnt work so I got desperate and tried to remember all the wonderful things sent in e-mails to me about being a good mother and instead one email stood out where someone who sent me a 'tough love' email haunted me. She had kept trying to get me to get to counslers and medication and I kept telling her no. She wrote back what looked to be an angry message that I was having self pity and you went through so much pain that I needed to be strong and stop living in misery unless I liked it.
The part that really haunted me about it, since I will cope with things in my own way and not really think much if someone chooses to think I'm weak and living in self pity and liking misery, was that she said you were in more pain than I will ever know. I don't know if it is true or not but it messed with me and I collapsed in thought about it while crying. Were you in pain? I know burns hurt but whenever I have gotten a burn, even a bad one it hurts for a couple seconds and then goes numb unless you touch it. I know you couldn't have hurt after they put you on morphine and the seditive especially because you went to sleep for the tube. Part of me wishes I could face the same thing you did just to be sure that you wern't in too much pain and if you were to punish myself more for turning my back those couple seconds. The other part of me just wants to believe since you were acting normal aside from a couple whimpers now and then every couple minutes that you were just a little 'owie'. Unfortunatly I can't ask you but maybe someday I'll have the answer.
I love you my little buggy...I hope the lady was wrong about the amount of pain you had
-Mamum
Monday, January 17, 2011
Letter to Damian 1/17/2011
Damian,
its been over half a month since we've had our normal morning routine. It hurts so badly that I normaly won't go into your room anymore. Its quiet in here and I have never heard this silence before the accident. I want to go to your crib and pick you up but I know there is no weight and no squeels of joy in there. I have lost most recolection of time, it all blurs together now. I know another day has passed but only because my computer tells me so and your dog pokes me with his nose trying to get me to let him go ouside and theres daylight out there. I sometimes wish I could sleep a bit longer like your father but I usualy end up waking up awhile before him now. I envy him now, he seems to have dreams of your life but when I normaly sleep I end up being haunted by the day of the accident. It still seems so unreal that the doctors at the first two places told me you would be fine and promised me that it wasn't bad and you were going to be alright. Why couldn't they have been right? What I wouldn't give to be watching you throw toys around my living room right now, dancing, and enjoying your snacks. I can't even bare to keep the tv on that you used to watch your cartoons on. I'm not sure what to do with myself at all anymore. I hurt in more ways then I thought a person ever could and these walls in my apartment seem to suck the life out of me. It kills a little piece of me inside every time I have to walk by the stove which is anytime I enter or exit the house, any time I have to use the restroom, and anytime I let the dog out, grab something from the kitchen, or do laundry. I think it might be healthier to move out of this place when I can. I love the memories of you but it gets hard to function when the memories of that day and the following days are kind of thrown at me. I know if I do leave the apartment for good I'll have to drag myself kicking and screaming because this apartment has your handprints all over it and was where you lived too. Its a major catch when desiding if I should stay or go. Damian, I miss you so much that I have never missed anything this much. I remember telling you most days before you'd go to sleep that you were my whole world and everything in it and it feels true. I'm not quite sure how I made it the first several days without you but I know I'm only making it by a thread. Your adada needs me so he can be okay and your puppy needs to be taken care of and so does your kitten. You always saw me as the mamum that would fix everything and I'm so sorry I couldn't fix the accident. I did everything I could think of to help you and it wasn't enough. I'm trying to be the strong mamum that you seemed to think I was and I'm trying to make it because your adada needs me and I don't want to disappoint you. Please somehow help me answer where to go from here and why.
love you little buggy
Mamum
its been over half a month since we've had our normal morning routine. It hurts so badly that I normaly won't go into your room anymore. Its quiet in here and I have never heard this silence before the accident. I want to go to your crib and pick you up but I know there is no weight and no squeels of joy in there. I have lost most recolection of time, it all blurs together now. I know another day has passed but only because my computer tells me so and your dog pokes me with his nose trying to get me to let him go ouside and theres daylight out there. I sometimes wish I could sleep a bit longer like your father but I usualy end up waking up awhile before him now. I envy him now, he seems to have dreams of your life but when I normaly sleep I end up being haunted by the day of the accident. It still seems so unreal that the doctors at the first two places told me you would be fine and promised me that it wasn't bad and you were going to be alright. Why couldn't they have been right? What I wouldn't give to be watching you throw toys around my living room right now, dancing, and enjoying your snacks. I can't even bare to keep the tv on that you used to watch your cartoons on. I'm not sure what to do with myself at all anymore. I hurt in more ways then I thought a person ever could and these walls in my apartment seem to suck the life out of me. It kills a little piece of me inside every time I have to walk by the stove which is anytime I enter or exit the house, any time I have to use the restroom, and anytime I let the dog out, grab something from the kitchen, or do laundry. I think it might be healthier to move out of this place when I can. I love the memories of you but it gets hard to function when the memories of that day and the following days are kind of thrown at me. I know if I do leave the apartment for good I'll have to drag myself kicking and screaming because this apartment has your handprints all over it and was where you lived too. Its a major catch when desiding if I should stay or go. Damian, I miss you so much that I have never missed anything this much. I remember telling you most days before you'd go to sleep that you were my whole world and everything in it and it feels true. I'm not quite sure how I made it the first several days without you but I know I'm only making it by a thread. Your adada needs me so he can be okay and your puppy needs to be taken care of and so does your kitten. You always saw me as the mamum that would fix everything and I'm so sorry I couldn't fix the accident. I did everything I could think of to help you and it wasn't enough. I'm trying to be the strong mamum that you seemed to think I was and I'm trying to make it because your adada needs me and I don't want to disappoint you. Please somehow help me answer where to go from here and why.
love you little buggy
Mamum
Sunday, January 16, 2011
The day my life changed
December 30th 2010 was the worst day of my life. I thought I had experienced life before and all of its cruelties but I had been wrong. It started like every other day with Damian waking me up with cheerful laughs and squeels about his adada and wanting nom noms (his breakfast). He never woke up grumpy on his own. He would simply play with his stuffed possum while jumping about in his crib talking away about dada, mamum, and food.
I woke up just like normal, chuckling about my 'lil bug' and got him out of his crib to unleash the destruction of my living room. He tossed about his toys, smeared his poptart everywhere (just like always) and screamed in joy about his cartoons and we danced the Damian dance infront of the t.v. which included stomping stratigically loudly on the floor in circles and running all over the place.
Lunch time came about and I was going to make him his rice that he loved. I have always been super paranoid about not having a dishwasher and would let the water come to a boil over about 10 minutes while sitting and resting (due to being exhausted from playing with Damian) and then I would start his actual lunch. I had done this routine every day for many many months and didn't think anything of it. I was expecting company later in the day so instead of sitting and resting, I put the saucepan of water on the stove (just like always) and went into the living room to straighten up a bit of Damian's playtime mess. He normaly ran loudly while squeeling between the kitchen and livingroom with his footsie pajamas worn like a cape. I can't remember what I was tidying up in the living room when this noise wasn't even heard but more felt. I stood stright up instantly forgetting what I was doing and rushed to the kitchen where the noise was comming from and my eyes darted to the steaming saucepan on the floor, water pooling on the floor infront of the left front of the stove and refrigerator. Damian was making the noise and without thinking in a split second I put the saucepan on the sink and rushed Damian to the bathroom to put cold water on him. I didn't think the water in the bathroom was cold enough so I moved the pan aside and sprayed him with cooler water in the kitchen sink over the slightly pink areas of his skin, he was now just crying as if he had something of a small discomfort. I took him back to the bathroom tub and finished pouring a bit more cool water on him while checking him over better before drying him softly with a towel and standing him on the floor. He ran over to the counter and grabbed a cookie I had left on the counter for him to grab. I didn't know what to do aside from cool down the burns he got from pulling the small pan of water on himself so I put a diaper on him while noting if the burns were bad or not. His shoulders were pink, as well as his neck...his eyes were a bit bloodshot from crying (he was now just softly whimpering and saying 'mamum') and his face looked completely fine. I comforted him shortly and put him, dressed in his crib (he considered that his comfort area) while I called his doctor to ask what to do. I was more scared than I ever had been in my life and needed to know how to handle it. His doctor said it didn't sound bad but to ease my worries I should take him to the urgent care a couple blocks away, which I did immediatly. When I got there they got him right back. A couple small blisters had formed on his cheeks by the time I arrived and he was whimpering about wanting to be back in his crib on the way to the urgent care and saying 'mamum'.
The urgent care took me and Damian directly in back and they said he seemed to be fine but wanted to get him fluids and pain medicine which they could do better at the hospital a couple miles down the road. They couldn't get an iv started at the urgent care due to his being 20 months old and they have small veins. They called the ems and I handed Damian to the guys in the squad. Little did I know that would be the last time I had held him alive. He kept reaching for me calling 'mamum' and I followed the amublance to the hospital. I swear I got every redlight in town. I was still frazzled but the urgent care said and promised he would be okay.
Finaly at the hospital, I get to the room they have Damian in and he was doped up because they apparently gave him morphine in the ambulance. He immediatly reached for me, trying to get up in spite of the morphine saying 'mamum' and they scooted me closer to him so he would stay seated. His face had started to swell and I was crying and feeling guilty for him getting ahold of the pan. I was scared of my baby being taken away from me in any way. The doctors reassured me it looked worse than it was and he would be just fine. They desided to tube him preventitively since his face had a bit of swelling so I said 'night night' and told him I loved him and that it was time to take his nappy and they escorted me out of the room while they put the tube in. Little did I know that would be the last time he would hear me. They desided to lifelight him to a hospital that dealt with children as well as burns just to be safe and I petted his hair before they wheeled him to the helicopter. They told me to go home and calm down enough to drive the 40minutes to and hour to the other hospital, Damian would be just fine and the doctor herself promised me it wasn't serious.
I went home and cried to Carl on the phone about my fears for Damian. The recieving hospital called and told me he had landed and was stable and fine and to gather my stuff and head down when I felt safe to drive. He would be alright though. I got into the car and began heading to the hospital...before I got more than a half mile from my house the hospital called and said I needed to get there quick but wouldn't tell me why, just that Damian wasn't very stable. They told me to turn around since I wasn't far from my home and they would have a police officer take me to the hospital instead to get me there quicker. I waited at my home for an hour before the policeman showed and was upset and frantic that it took so long when my baby needed me. I kept thinking I could have been there by the time they showed. I allowed them to take pictures 'for my protection' and it took 5 more minutes before they had me on my way to see my Damian.
Half way there I get a call that said Damian's heart had stopped 4 times, 45 minutes once and they wouldn't even tell me if he was alive. All they would tell me is that his heart had been beating for about 10 minutes. When I arrived at the hospital, they took me to my baby who had now had an air tube through his neck and ivs everywhere and was still unconcious from the seditive. The policeman left and never came back.
Damian's adada arrived at 1am from pensylvania and Damian's heart hadn't stopped again and they had already been able to put him from the emergency room to the PICU. The doctor told me that he had a 5% chance to make it through that night so I prayed for the best because his chances were supposed to go upward after 24 hours.
On January 2nd 2011 they did tests on Damian for brain activity and he was declaired braindead. The only thing keeping his body warm and breathing and everything was chemicals and machines. Braindeath is not like a coma where they can eventualy wake up, it is death. My world ended in those long days.
When I've told people of Damian's death they ask me the same questions I have; How did 1st and 2nd degree burns cause him to die. Maybe someday I'll have the answer since I am having trouble grasping the concept myself. Some have told me it was possibly because the tube was too small which can cause lung and heart failure. Some say he might have inhaled the water but if that were the case wouldn't his lungs have still been completely white and non functioning on the x-ray the next day? Some think maybe it was shock? Some think maybe it was fate. The only thing I know for certain is my world ended when I lost my baby and I will never be the same. I always loved him and still do and I'm still trying to figure out where to go from here when my world revolved around my little Damian.
I woke up just like normal, chuckling about my 'lil bug' and got him out of his crib to unleash the destruction of my living room. He tossed about his toys, smeared his poptart everywhere (just like always) and screamed in joy about his cartoons and we danced the Damian dance infront of the t.v. which included stomping stratigically loudly on the floor in circles and running all over the place.
Lunch time came about and I was going to make him his rice that he loved. I have always been super paranoid about not having a dishwasher and would let the water come to a boil over about 10 minutes while sitting and resting (due to being exhausted from playing with Damian) and then I would start his actual lunch. I had done this routine every day for many many months and didn't think anything of it. I was expecting company later in the day so instead of sitting and resting, I put the saucepan of water on the stove (just like always) and went into the living room to straighten up a bit of Damian's playtime mess. He normaly ran loudly while squeeling between the kitchen and livingroom with his footsie pajamas worn like a cape. I can't remember what I was tidying up in the living room when this noise wasn't even heard but more felt. I stood stright up instantly forgetting what I was doing and rushed to the kitchen where the noise was comming from and my eyes darted to the steaming saucepan on the floor, water pooling on the floor infront of the left front of the stove and refrigerator. Damian was making the noise and without thinking in a split second I put the saucepan on the sink and rushed Damian to the bathroom to put cold water on him. I didn't think the water in the bathroom was cold enough so I moved the pan aside and sprayed him with cooler water in the kitchen sink over the slightly pink areas of his skin, he was now just crying as if he had something of a small discomfort. I took him back to the bathroom tub and finished pouring a bit more cool water on him while checking him over better before drying him softly with a towel and standing him on the floor. He ran over to the counter and grabbed a cookie I had left on the counter for him to grab. I didn't know what to do aside from cool down the burns he got from pulling the small pan of water on himself so I put a diaper on him while noting if the burns were bad or not. His shoulders were pink, as well as his neck...his eyes were a bit bloodshot from crying (he was now just softly whimpering and saying 'mamum') and his face looked completely fine. I comforted him shortly and put him, dressed in his crib (he considered that his comfort area) while I called his doctor to ask what to do. I was more scared than I ever had been in my life and needed to know how to handle it. His doctor said it didn't sound bad but to ease my worries I should take him to the urgent care a couple blocks away, which I did immediatly. When I got there they got him right back. A couple small blisters had formed on his cheeks by the time I arrived and he was whimpering about wanting to be back in his crib on the way to the urgent care and saying 'mamum'.
The urgent care took me and Damian directly in back and they said he seemed to be fine but wanted to get him fluids and pain medicine which they could do better at the hospital a couple miles down the road. They couldn't get an iv started at the urgent care due to his being 20 months old and they have small veins. They called the ems and I handed Damian to the guys in the squad. Little did I know that would be the last time I had held him alive. He kept reaching for me calling 'mamum' and I followed the amublance to the hospital. I swear I got every redlight in town. I was still frazzled but the urgent care said and promised he would be okay.
Finaly at the hospital, I get to the room they have Damian in and he was doped up because they apparently gave him morphine in the ambulance. He immediatly reached for me, trying to get up in spite of the morphine saying 'mamum' and they scooted me closer to him so he would stay seated. His face had started to swell and I was crying and feeling guilty for him getting ahold of the pan. I was scared of my baby being taken away from me in any way. The doctors reassured me it looked worse than it was and he would be just fine. They desided to tube him preventitively since his face had a bit of swelling so I said 'night night' and told him I loved him and that it was time to take his nappy and they escorted me out of the room while they put the tube in. Little did I know that would be the last time he would hear me. They desided to lifelight him to a hospital that dealt with children as well as burns just to be safe and I petted his hair before they wheeled him to the helicopter. They told me to go home and calm down enough to drive the 40minutes to and hour to the other hospital, Damian would be just fine and the doctor herself promised me it wasn't serious.
I went home and cried to Carl on the phone about my fears for Damian. The recieving hospital called and told me he had landed and was stable and fine and to gather my stuff and head down when I felt safe to drive. He would be alright though. I got into the car and began heading to the hospital...before I got more than a half mile from my house the hospital called and said I needed to get there quick but wouldn't tell me why, just that Damian wasn't very stable. They told me to turn around since I wasn't far from my home and they would have a police officer take me to the hospital instead to get me there quicker. I waited at my home for an hour before the policeman showed and was upset and frantic that it took so long when my baby needed me. I kept thinking I could have been there by the time they showed. I allowed them to take pictures 'for my protection' and it took 5 more minutes before they had me on my way to see my Damian.
Half way there I get a call that said Damian's heart had stopped 4 times, 45 minutes once and they wouldn't even tell me if he was alive. All they would tell me is that his heart had been beating for about 10 minutes. When I arrived at the hospital, they took me to my baby who had now had an air tube through his neck and ivs everywhere and was still unconcious from the seditive. The policeman left and never came back.
Damian's adada arrived at 1am from pensylvania and Damian's heart hadn't stopped again and they had already been able to put him from the emergency room to the PICU. The doctor told me that he had a 5% chance to make it through that night so I prayed for the best because his chances were supposed to go upward after 24 hours.
On January 2nd 2011 they did tests on Damian for brain activity and he was declaired braindead. The only thing keeping his body warm and breathing and everything was chemicals and machines. Braindeath is not like a coma where they can eventualy wake up, it is death. My world ended in those long days.
When I've told people of Damian's death they ask me the same questions I have; How did 1st and 2nd degree burns cause him to die. Maybe someday I'll have the answer since I am having trouble grasping the concept myself. Some have told me it was possibly because the tube was too small which can cause lung and heart failure. Some say he might have inhaled the water but if that were the case wouldn't his lungs have still been completely white and non functioning on the x-ray the next day? Some think maybe it was shock? Some think maybe it was fate. The only thing I know for certain is my world ended when I lost my baby and I will never be the same. I always loved him and still do and I'm still trying to figure out where to go from here when my world revolved around my little Damian.
The big suprise
Finding out I was pregnant with Damian was quite the shock. I was going through a divorce with my ex husband which had been in holding for a year. I was living with my now current husband and we were in quite the situation, we wanted children in the future but were going to wait until we were more stable with finances. We had been using birth control and I had always wanted a baby badly. I remember crying that month because I had felt cramping and hated having my cycle. I remember crying that 'I didn't want my damn period' and the gods must have heard me because it didn't ever come.
After several days of not wanting my period and realizing it was abnormaly late I scooped up the change we had and bought a test. I had taken them before due to trying with my ex husband for many years to have a family and knew what to do. At 3 or 4am I had to pee and figured it was morning enough. I took the test with me on my way to the bathroom and low and behold 2 lines! I was so happy that I woke Carl out of bed and showed him the test, blinding him with the light. Needless to say, he was grumbly about being woken up at that particular hour (who would have guessed) AND being blinded by the lights, he confirmed that I wasn't blind and the test was positive...and went back to bed. I took the second test the next day and it, too said positive (I didn't wake Carl up in the middle of the night that time) so I was pretty sure that meant I was preggers. We were both happy and figured that it was meant to be and we were excited about the future. I dreamed of having a big, blue eyed, baby boy.
At about 6 weeks into being pregnant I went almost instantly from feeling like a hungry tapeworm had taken over my body to feeling neon green. Everything that had any sort of smell made me feel sick. This remained the entire 9 months. Throughout that 9 months I was always happy to be a 'soon to be mom' and never had an ultrasound to confirm what I would be having...aside from a baby. I traveled with Carl on a truck (since he was a truckdriver) and that was quite the interesting experience for 9 months due to motion making me sick too...but I passed time by reading to the fetus and playing through my abdomen with the energetic little thing. I always told people I knew that I would be having a big baby boy.
When I became a couple days late of my due date I took a trip to the hospital and desided I would let the doctors make sure everything was okay. They couldn't even measure him on the ultrasound he was so big and they desided that I should have a c-section before leaving the hospital due to his size...yes HE.
I had the scarey c-section which I had dreaded, it wasn't pleasant but it was worth it to be able to be a mom. On april 15th of 2009 Damian was born in the washington DC area and the was 9 1/2 lbs of lively boy. He was the most beautiful, amazing thing I had ever seen. I still laugh when I remember the big bright eyes and how I couldn't stop staring at him. Carl kept telling me I needed to rest but I didn't sleep for days because I kept staring in disbelief that my dream of having a baby came true.
Damian was my whole word and I lived to be his mom. I stayed at home and raised him without babysitters and just loved watching him develop. He was an early walker, figuring out walking at 8 months and an early talker...learning the word adada at about 2-3 months. I was always called mamum and his favorite fruit was bananas (nanas). He loved pasta, rice, fruit and his vegetables and was eating them all between 6 and 7 months very well.
Damian was sick only once from a cold and that was november of 2010, didn't require a doctors visit...in fact it was a couple sniffles and wiping his nose for about 3 times and it was over. Me and his adada were sick for 2 weeks.
Damian loved to dance and run around with his footsie pajamas only on his arms. He enjoyed watching his tv shows and making music. He had a drum, an xylophone, and he loved to strum my guitar...he also loved splashing water across the entire bathroom during bath time while screaming at the top of his lungs in joy. He also loved to eat and was a child of curiosity.
After several days of not wanting my period and realizing it was abnormaly late I scooped up the change we had and bought a test. I had taken them before due to trying with my ex husband for many years to have a family and knew what to do. At 3 or 4am I had to pee and figured it was morning enough. I took the test with me on my way to the bathroom and low and behold 2 lines! I was so happy that I woke Carl out of bed and showed him the test, blinding him with the light. Needless to say, he was grumbly about being woken up at that particular hour (who would have guessed) AND being blinded by the lights, he confirmed that I wasn't blind and the test was positive...and went back to bed. I took the second test the next day and it, too said positive (I didn't wake Carl up in the middle of the night that time) so I was pretty sure that meant I was preggers. We were both happy and figured that it was meant to be and we were excited about the future. I dreamed of having a big, blue eyed, baby boy.
At about 6 weeks into being pregnant I went almost instantly from feeling like a hungry tapeworm had taken over my body to feeling neon green. Everything that had any sort of smell made me feel sick. This remained the entire 9 months. Throughout that 9 months I was always happy to be a 'soon to be mom' and never had an ultrasound to confirm what I would be having...aside from a baby. I traveled with Carl on a truck (since he was a truckdriver) and that was quite the interesting experience for 9 months due to motion making me sick too...but I passed time by reading to the fetus and playing through my abdomen with the energetic little thing. I always told people I knew that I would be having a big baby boy.
When I became a couple days late of my due date I took a trip to the hospital and desided I would let the doctors make sure everything was okay. They couldn't even measure him on the ultrasound he was so big and they desided that I should have a c-section before leaving the hospital due to his size...yes HE.
I had the scarey c-section which I had dreaded, it wasn't pleasant but it was worth it to be able to be a mom. On april 15th of 2009 Damian was born in the washington DC area and the was 9 1/2 lbs of lively boy. He was the most beautiful, amazing thing I had ever seen. I still laugh when I remember the big bright eyes and how I couldn't stop staring at him. Carl kept telling me I needed to rest but I didn't sleep for days because I kept staring in disbelief that my dream of having a baby came true.
Damian was my whole word and I lived to be his mom. I stayed at home and raised him without babysitters and just loved watching him develop. He was an early walker, figuring out walking at 8 months and an early talker...learning the word adada at about 2-3 months. I was always called mamum and his favorite fruit was bananas (nanas). He loved pasta, rice, fruit and his vegetables and was eating them all between 6 and 7 months very well.
Damian was sick only once from a cold and that was november of 2010, didn't require a doctors visit...in fact it was a couple sniffles and wiping his nose for about 3 times and it was over. Me and his adada were sick for 2 weeks.
Damian loved to dance and run around with his footsie pajamas only on his arms. He enjoyed watching his tv shows and making music. He had a drum, an xylophone, and he loved to strum my guitar...he also loved splashing water across the entire bathroom during bath time while screaming at the top of his lungs in joy. He also loved to eat and was a child of curiosity.
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