Damian
I've been having a rough time with living without you. That pup I got to help chase away the quiet was sold to me with parvo and he was euthanized 2/3/2011...exactly one month and one day after you were pronounced dead. Now its even more quiet than it was if I just hadn't gotten the pup. I swear I feel like poisen. I'm honestly afraid to get close to anyone or anything right now because I'm afraid being close to me is a death sentence for life. I fear for Zander and Tonks and your Adada because I love them and things I love seem to just die. Maybe if you had had a different Mamum you would have lived a nice long life like you deserved and should have lived. I don't know but I do know I feel sometimes like I'm dead but feeling the pain. Not the dead that ends but the dead of ongoing knawing pain.
I just want to touch you and hold you. I ache so desperately for your touch, your voice, your smell. I need to hold you but its not possible, your ashes are on my book case...I couldn't even pretend there may be a way you would just magicaly spring to life and climb out of your grave. I get angry at myself for my body keeping going. Why isn't there an end to this horrible pain? Is this my punishment for walking into the livingroom with the pan on the stove? I don't wish to die, I'm not suicidal but I want you here with me. I need you here with me. People seem to think that I wish to die because you died but I don't want to do such, I want you ALIVE and with me. It gets harder and harder each day knowing that I'm not an active Mamum and that nobody looks up to me and smiles at me and laughs at the silly face I make when I'm thinking and moving my lip ring. I made cookies once since you've passed on and there were no little hands sneaking up to steal them off the counter. Why was I given you, my biggest dream in life to be a Mamum and then you were so quickly taken away?
I get people all the time saying its gods will, god wanted another angel, god did this, god needed you, have faith in god. I had faith in god in the hospital and if god was there he would have known how badly I need you. Any god would know that I would suffer horribly without you. If it was god and he just needed you to have an angel why did he take the pup that helped chase away this silence? He needed the pup too? I've been told you wanted the puppy to play with but I don't buy that either. I don't think you would want the puppy to die and for me to be miserable like this or do you? I don't think that is the case. I also don't believe any wonderful god would be that damn greedy. I hate to say it, well I don't hate to unfortunatly, but I have lost any ounce of faith. If this all was 'gods doing' then god must be a horrible horrible thing and I don't want it.
I love you Damian and I think of you every second of the day
You are still my whole world and everything in it...even though you are gone and my world is empty now
Love always and forever
-Your Mamum
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