Damian,
You'd be 2 1/2 now. This year doesn't even feel real, I'm still stuck back at December 30th 2010. I can't even begin to explaine this year, I don't know how I'm still breathing without you.
I got a card from the lady that recieved your kidneys a couple days back. It came as a shock. I had stopped looking for letters from your organ recipiants months ago. It wasn't a bad shock...just a shocking experience. I am still confused as to what to write back. Part of me is overjoyed to hear from someone that now has you as a part of them. Part of me is scared to death that they either won't like me, they won't continue contact, or that your organs won't be treasured the way that I treasured you. Its confusing. I am happy and scared out of my mind at the same time.
What is even more confusing is what to write back. I can't even begin to know what to write her back. What if I mess up the line of communication with something I say?
I had a nightmare again night before last. You were taken away from me by some sort of evil, right out of your crib and I never would see you again. When I woke from the dream I wanted so badly to run into your room and see you in your crib (your crib is still in the same spot that you left it). I couldn't run in there and make sure you were okay....I know you aren't there. I hate having those types of nightmares even more now that you are gone. Nightmares have always been scary but when I wake up from a dream of something taking you away from me I know you aren't here anymore and something did take you away from me. Its a nightmare come true in a lot of ways.
I have been crying more for you again. I have my very bad days still where I just feel like my world has ended and will never get better. Some days it feels like it hurts worse and worse as time goes on. People say it will get better but I haven't seen better yet, just getting used to it.
I was listening to comedy to cheer me up a few days back and I was laughing and smiling with your dada. Then all the sudden it got to a part in the line where it was about a kid being in the hospital getting their toncils out and they 'saw their whole life flash before their eyes and they weren't that old so it was short' and I started crying. The line was supposed to be funny and I probably would have laughed had you still been with me and it didn't bring back flashbacks of the accident and being with you in the hospital. Is there ever going to be a day that just goes alright for me without you?
I miss you Damian. I have gotten pretty good at hiding the fact that I'm still torn up inside most of the time to strangers but thats about as good as I can do. I'm still lost without you, I feel like I've lost my purpose. My purpose was to be your mamum and protect you and watch you grow and help you grow. Now that you are gone, so is my purpose...it feels that way anyway.
Anyways, I might have more time to write you again now that I'm putting other things aside. I have been burying myself in trying to stay busy but I have missed being able to write you. I hope you still hear me when I talk to you. I have all but forgotten you...I could never forget you.
I love you and miss you so much
Always thinking of you
Your Mamum
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