Damian
God its quiet in the house today. Its driving me nuts. I remember 9 months ago I was making you your lunch at around this time and you had the accident. This silence is killing me. I miss you. I need you. I wish that my prayers would have been answered and whatever powers that be would have taken me instead of you. I remember being in the hospital that evening and still crying. I wanted to throw myself over you and I was begging in prayer to be able to take your place on that bed. I still would gladly take your place.
You coat is still hanging on the wall. It is waiting for you. Its hurts knowing that you won't be needing it this next month. You used to bring me your coat when you wanted to go out. I'm sorry I didn't take you out enough. I didn't take you to the park enough. I never did get a picture of you playing at your favorite park...now I never will. I never got professional pictures of you done...now I never will. I never got a picture of you on santa's lap....I was going to do that this year...now I never will.
There are so many things that I never got to show you. We didn't go see the christmas lights last year. There were parades we didn't see. We didn't get to do your second birthday this year...you weren't here. I did your memorial around your birthday instead.
I really don't know why nor how I'm still here. I'm so miserable most days and so sad. I'm getting good at acting normal but I'm so empty inside anymore. I'm emptier than this apartment that still has all of your toys. Your crib is still set up but you haven't touched it in 8 months now. It still smells like you...
missing you so much, my Damian
I love you
Mamum
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