Lil Buggy
words can not express how much I miss you. It seems as time goes on I just miss you more. I'm sorry I haven't written you on here in some time. Its been a bit painful to write where before it was more of a coping mechanism. Sometimes I wonder if it does much good to write to you here. I talk to you often...since you couldn't read yet before death maybe thats why I have my doubts about writing on here.
Lately, its been so incredibly difficult to keep myself upbeat. I got a job for a week. It was supposed to help me get out and function like a normal human being. I got fired in a week, so it made me feel as if I failed at everything. I still feel like I failed at keeping you safe. I feel like I failed at being a good mother for you because I look around and see everyone has their babies still and get to watch them grow. I only have the pictures of you up to 20 months old and then all time stops.
At first, seeing and interacting with other people's children made me feel more comfortable and helped...now it only hurts. It tares me up because I wonder what you would look like now. What would you be able to say and do? How heavy would you be in my arms? Would your smile and voice still be the same?
The worst thing is these four walls. Gods, its so empty in here. I haven't heard your squeels of joy for almost 9 months in here. Your coat still hangs on the wall in the kitchen...I still can't take it down. It still smells like you. I know it may sound silly that I leave it there but I can't bring myself to move it yet...maybe I won't be able to until I actually move from this apartment or something. I noticed this all started really hitting me hard when I ran out of disposable cups a couple weeks ago. I went to reach for a glass in the cabnet and my hand brushed against one of your sippy cups. You loved those cups...they are still in the cabnet waiting for you to want your 'ahs'. I still remember your favorite thing to drink...and still have all the packets in the cabnet that were supposed to be made for you...your grape koolaid.
I don't know how I've survived this long without you filling my every day with your bright shining sunlight, Damian. I feel like I really don't have anything anymore. I just breath...I haven't stopped breathing and thats it.
Your puppy still misses you. He'll hear a kid and look for you. He still looks for you when we go out, he'll look to the car waiting for me to take you out of the back seat.
I get told a lot that you are in a better place. I don't believe thats true or, if it is, how horrible must I be that being dead is better than being alive and home with me? I know people mean well and they are trying to be nice because there really is nothing anyone can say or do to make it better but please don't tell me that a better place is being dead. I want you here with me...so badly. I need you here with me. I want you to come home!
I miss everything about you.
forever missing you
love
Your Mamum
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