Damian,
its been awhile since I've written you. As you know, I haven't forgotten you..I still talk to you often in voice. Your baby brother was born June 30th at 9 lbs 8.9 oz. He was a big boy just like you.
I had forgotten almost what its like having a newborn in the house. Tonight is my first night alone with him and I'm scared. Last time I was alone with my baby boy, it was you and you had the accident. I can't lose another son and I'm half scared to death that just breathing near him almost will be bad for him. I know its silly of me but hopefully it will get better in time.
I was afraid at first that he would be like your twin and I would have a hard time because I would automatically expect him to be like you and it wouldn't be fair to him...but I found out quickly that he's nothing like you. I miss you but I don't want to set his expectations to what you were. I want your brother to live his own life and to enjoy being him, not trying to be someone else. That and nobody can replace you...ever. Its impossible.
I haven't been able to help but miss you all the more with your brother here. You should be here enjoying being a big brother and adjusting to the new baby here too. You should have met him June 30th before the rest of everyone and been happy to greet him and touch his hair. Its just not fair that you aren't here and you aren't comming back. I think it sets in more and more each day that you aren't comming back though I know you've been dead for 1 year and 7 months now. I was thinking about it the other day and you've almost been gone for the same amount of time I had you...its getting close. Your memory will last my whole life I know. I still love you my Damian and I still miss you and cry for you daily. I still need you in my life and its still not fair you can't be here with me. Just know nobody can replace you and there is still a huge missing you spot in our home and hearts.
Love always
your mamum
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Monday, April 30, 2012
Letter To Damian 4-30-2012
Damian,
I've been thinking about you quite a bit but, then again, I always do. Its been rough, I don't want to wake up from the dreams I've been having of you lately. For the longest time I was tortured by the dreams of that horrible day/days that I lost you but lately...lately I've been dreaming of you growing. I don't want to wake up from those dreams. I want to spend the time with you even if it is just in my mind. I dream of you meeting your brother in a couple months. I know you would have loved to have met him.
You would have made a wonderful big brother, he never would have had to have been scared of anything. He would have had such a strong big brother. I will be sure that he knows about who you were while you were here on earth, though I wish so much that you could still be here to meet him.
Another thing that has bothered me is that your mamum is scared. I'm scared that I won't be a good enough mom to your brother. I will try my best but I'm so scared that it won't be enough. I want to be the best mom in the world...I wanted to be the best mom with you too...
I still have a hard time cooking food but it looks like I just whip through it anymore. I'm so good at just working through the thoughts and flashbacks with it anymore. It hurts to cook sometimes. I can't help but imagine what you felt in those moments where you pulled the pan down, it makes me want to break down and fall on the floor infront of the stove and just sob there forever but that isn't an option for me anymore. It really hurts when people remind me of how much burns hurt...like I don't think about that every day of my life already.
I get overwhelmed when I think about the future without you too much so I just take one day at a time still. When I step back and think about the whole future without you in it it feels like too much and I can't take the pain and the horror of going on without you in my life. I don't know how I'm going to live the rest of my life without you still, I do know that I have to take one day at a time to get to the rest of my life though.
I have thought about my chances of something going wrong and dying during childbirth in a couple months and I have a couple different thoughts about that. One thought, is that I would be able to see you if there is life after death and that isn't a bad thought. I miss you so much. I want to see you again. I'm not saying I want to die but the thought that I might be able to see you again isn't the worst thought in the world. I also think that I wouldn't get to meet your brother and that thought isn't a good one. I have felt him growing for many months now and I want to see him, I want to be a good mother to him, I want to hold him and tell him all about his strong big brother, I want to watch him grow. Its hard to talk to people about it without worry that they will think I'm suicidal, which I'm not..I just miss you and wish there was a way to see you. I do have will to live and try to be a mother again but it is still painful and I still wish you were here.
Anyways, I still love you Damian...I still miss you and my heart aches to still have you near me.
Love always,
Your Mamum
I've been thinking about you quite a bit but, then again, I always do. Its been rough, I don't want to wake up from the dreams I've been having of you lately. For the longest time I was tortured by the dreams of that horrible day/days that I lost you but lately...lately I've been dreaming of you growing. I don't want to wake up from those dreams. I want to spend the time with you even if it is just in my mind. I dream of you meeting your brother in a couple months. I know you would have loved to have met him.
You would have made a wonderful big brother, he never would have had to have been scared of anything. He would have had such a strong big brother. I will be sure that he knows about who you were while you were here on earth, though I wish so much that you could still be here to meet him.
Another thing that has bothered me is that your mamum is scared. I'm scared that I won't be a good enough mom to your brother. I will try my best but I'm so scared that it won't be enough. I want to be the best mom in the world...I wanted to be the best mom with you too...
I still have a hard time cooking food but it looks like I just whip through it anymore. I'm so good at just working through the thoughts and flashbacks with it anymore. It hurts to cook sometimes. I can't help but imagine what you felt in those moments where you pulled the pan down, it makes me want to break down and fall on the floor infront of the stove and just sob there forever but that isn't an option for me anymore. It really hurts when people remind me of how much burns hurt...like I don't think about that every day of my life already.
I get overwhelmed when I think about the future without you too much so I just take one day at a time still. When I step back and think about the whole future without you in it it feels like too much and I can't take the pain and the horror of going on without you in my life. I don't know how I'm going to live the rest of my life without you still, I do know that I have to take one day at a time to get to the rest of my life though.
I have thought about my chances of something going wrong and dying during childbirth in a couple months and I have a couple different thoughts about that. One thought, is that I would be able to see you if there is life after death and that isn't a bad thought. I miss you so much. I want to see you again. I'm not saying I want to die but the thought that I might be able to see you again isn't the worst thought in the world. I also think that I wouldn't get to meet your brother and that thought isn't a good one. I have felt him growing for many months now and I want to see him, I want to be a good mother to him, I want to hold him and tell him all about his strong big brother, I want to watch him grow. Its hard to talk to people about it without worry that they will think I'm suicidal, which I'm not..I just miss you and wish there was a way to see you. I do have will to live and try to be a mother again but it is still painful and I still wish you were here.
Anyways, I still love you Damian...I still miss you and my heart aches to still have you near me.
Love always,
Your Mamum
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Letter To Damian 4-15-2012
Damian,
I didn't forget your birthday today, quite the opposite actualy. I wish I could have made you a cake, I did think of you when I ate m&ms today. I've spent most of the week leading up to your birthday crying. You should have been 3 years old today. I wonder what you would have looked like. Time keeps going on...it doesn't seem right that the days keep passing but you aren't here. I miss you. I can seem to put on an okay front when people are with me, I'm glad someone has been here with me most of the day because otherwise I think I might have had a breakdown. I'm not sure.
I was doing better for awhile but a couple weeks ago I ended up having quite the breakdown in the middle of walmart. It was kind of weird and out of nowhere. I was having a craving for cinnimon toast crunch cereal and in the checkout the back of the box faced me when I picked it up. I saw the little cannible cereal squares with their tongues hanging out on the back of the box and remembered the huge smile you used to get whenever they would be on a commercial. You would laugh so hard seeing those squares. I miss that. I miss you...
I cried right in the middle of the isle, then cried on the way out to the car, then cried in the car....then periodically for the past few weeks. Its not right without you, I'm not sure I'll ever get used to it..I'm not even sure I want to get used to it. I still think of you all the time. I think of you when I eat strawberries (which is often), bananas (or nanas as you called them), ice cream, I think of you when its a beautiful day and we could have gone to the park, I think of you when I see grape koolaid, when I see a toy matchbox car, or even when I look at zander your best buddy, I even think of you when your dada comes home and I remember how you used to smile and celebrate your 'adada' comming home.
I still love you even though you are dead. I've learned love doesn't recognize death and doesn't go away. I would still give my own life to have you live, but that doesn't seem to be an option in real life like it is on pegan television shows or movies. I do hope that there is life after death though...and with that being said, if there is life after death I hope with all my heart that you are having a happy birthday today. I hope that you sport that huge Damian smile and that beautiful laughter. It was a gorgeous day today on your birthday, over 80 degrees and sunny. I wish we could have gone to the park and enjoyed the sun before having ice cream and cake. I would have tried to make this the best day possible for you.
I wish you happiness...wherever your spirit may be
Love always
Your mamum
I didn't forget your birthday today, quite the opposite actualy. I wish I could have made you a cake, I did think of you when I ate m&ms today. I've spent most of the week leading up to your birthday crying. You should have been 3 years old today. I wonder what you would have looked like. Time keeps going on...it doesn't seem right that the days keep passing but you aren't here. I miss you. I can seem to put on an okay front when people are with me, I'm glad someone has been here with me most of the day because otherwise I think I might have had a breakdown. I'm not sure.
I was doing better for awhile but a couple weeks ago I ended up having quite the breakdown in the middle of walmart. It was kind of weird and out of nowhere. I was having a craving for cinnimon toast crunch cereal and in the checkout the back of the box faced me when I picked it up. I saw the little cannible cereal squares with their tongues hanging out on the back of the box and remembered the huge smile you used to get whenever they would be on a commercial. You would laugh so hard seeing those squares. I miss that. I miss you...
I cried right in the middle of the isle, then cried on the way out to the car, then cried in the car....then periodically for the past few weeks. Its not right without you, I'm not sure I'll ever get used to it..I'm not even sure I want to get used to it. I still think of you all the time. I think of you when I eat strawberries (which is often), bananas (or nanas as you called them), ice cream, I think of you when its a beautiful day and we could have gone to the park, I think of you when I see grape koolaid, when I see a toy matchbox car, or even when I look at zander your best buddy, I even think of you when your dada comes home and I remember how you used to smile and celebrate your 'adada' comming home.
I still love you even though you are dead. I've learned love doesn't recognize death and doesn't go away. I would still give my own life to have you live, but that doesn't seem to be an option in real life like it is on pegan television shows or movies. I do hope that there is life after death though...and with that being said, if there is life after death I hope with all my heart that you are having a happy birthday today. I hope that you sport that huge Damian smile and that beautiful laughter. It was a gorgeous day today on your birthday, over 80 degrees and sunny. I wish we could have gone to the park and enjoyed the sun before having ice cream and cake. I would have tried to make this the best day possible for you.
I wish you happiness...wherever your spirit may be
Love always
Your mamum
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Letter to Damian 2/22/2012
Damian,
I've been having a rough time again recently. I'm always trudging through a rough time without you but sometimes seem so much worse. I had my first experience with someone throwing what happend to you into my face to hurt me and it worked. I have been right back to the flashbacks of that horrible nightmare. I still miss you so much. I can't believe how cruel the world is sometimes. You were taken from me due to a hospital mistake which is cruel enough, now my sister is with some messed up guy that blames me for what happend to you. Its as if I didn't blame myself enough as it is...I have gone over and over in my mind about turning my back and gone over and over about getting myself ready at home when you went into cardiac arrest at the hospital. It doesn't matter if it was a tube accident with the hospital or not, I can come up with a million scenarios where it feels like I failed you during that whole thing. I'm sorry...I know with what my sister's boyfriend said it makes me wonder if I deserve your new sibling that I'm pregnant with. I never got the chance to tell you that you are going to have a little brother. I know you would have been so excited and keep trying to imagine you beautiful smile.
I had to get rid of your old crib and your old playpen. That hurt so bad...I don't like getting rid of the little things that are the only things I have left of you. The crib was really hard, I remember how much you loved your crib...it was your spot.
Anyways, I don't know if you blame me or not for that horrible accident but I'm so sorry that I couldn't save you. Mamums are supposed to be able to fix everything and I failed you in that.
I love you Damian
Love always and always missing you too
Your Mamum
I've been having a rough time again recently. I'm always trudging through a rough time without you but sometimes seem so much worse. I had my first experience with someone throwing what happend to you into my face to hurt me and it worked. I have been right back to the flashbacks of that horrible nightmare. I still miss you so much. I can't believe how cruel the world is sometimes. You were taken from me due to a hospital mistake which is cruel enough, now my sister is with some messed up guy that blames me for what happend to you. Its as if I didn't blame myself enough as it is...I have gone over and over in my mind about turning my back and gone over and over about getting myself ready at home when you went into cardiac arrest at the hospital. It doesn't matter if it was a tube accident with the hospital or not, I can come up with a million scenarios where it feels like I failed you during that whole thing. I'm sorry...I know with what my sister's boyfriend said it makes me wonder if I deserve your new sibling that I'm pregnant with. I never got the chance to tell you that you are going to have a little brother. I know you would have been so excited and keep trying to imagine you beautiful smile.
I had to get rid of your old crib and your old playpen. That hurt so bad...I don't like getting rid of the little things that are the only things I have left of you. The crib was really hard, I remember how much you loved your crib...it was your spot.
Anyways, I don't know if you blame me or not for that horrible accident but I'm so sorry that I couldn't save you. Mamums are supposed to be able to fix everything and I failed you in that.
I love you Damian
Love always and always missing you too
Your Mamum
Monday, January 2, 2012
Letter To Damian 1/2/2012
My Little Buggy,
Its been a year today since you were declaired dead. At this hour last year I still had hope that you might come back to me but two hours from now I'll have learned different and you were declaired brain dead. I've been holding off on writing over the holidays but I've been thinking about you and talking to you instead. I cry too much anymore when I write you and with your sibling on the way it makes me very sick to start crying so hard. I'll allow myself the letter to you today though.
I miss seeing your beautiful smile, hearing your squeals of joy and touching your face. I miss playing with your toes and tickling your feet and sides. I wonder what you'd be doing today and how much you would have grown. I miss you so much still, I don't seem to ever miss you less...I don't think I ever will.
I decided not to celebrate christmas this year without you. I couldn't bring myself to pull the tree out and put it up without you. I know you hate pizza bagel bites because you didn't really like packaged food much but that was what me and your dada had for christmas. I'm actually glad we didn't try to force christmas this year because it wouldn't have been a good thing. Maybe next year will bring christmas again but I won't know until then. I still think the holidays will feel like somethings missing because you are missing from them.
I had the most wonderful dream a couple weeks ago but it put me in an awful mood to wake up from it. I got to dream vividly that you were alive and just fine. I could touch you, I heard your beautiful laugh, I heard you say 'mamum' again. I watched you dance and play and be you. I dreamed of that all night and I didn't want to wake up from it...when I did I tried to sleep again, I was in a horrible mood that I couldn't dream of you again that day. I really wish I could dream such a wonderful dream again. Maybe someday I will...I can at least keep hoping.
I know that nothing will ever be the same without you, and I accept that but it doesn't mean I have to ever like it either and I won't ever like that. I can only hope that someday I will see you again when its my time to go...I do hope for our spirits to meet again, when its time and that is the only reason I'm not scared of 'my time' so much anymore. Until that time comes, I just keep wishing to dream of you again.
I love you Damian
love always
Your Mamum
Its been a year today since you were declaired dead. At this hour last year I still had hope that you might come back to me but two hours from now I'll have learned different and you were declaired brain dead. I've been holding off on writing over the holidays but I've been thinking about you and talking to you instead. I cry too much anymore when I write you and with your sibling on the way it makes me very sick to start crying so hard. I'll allow myself the letter to you today though.
I miss seeing your beautiful smile, hearing your squeals of joy and touching your face. I miss playing with your toes and tickling your feet and sides. I wonder what you'd be doing today and how much you would have grown. I miss you so much still, I don't seem to ever miss you less...I don't think I ever will.
I decided not to celebrate christmas this year without you. I couldn't bring myself to pull the tree out and put it up without you. I know you hate pizza bagel bites because you didn't really like packaged food much but that was what me and your dada had for christmas. I'm actually glad we didn't try to force christmas this year because it wouldn't have been a good thing. Maybe next year will bring christmas again but I won't know until then. I still think the holidays will feel like somethings missing because you are missing from them.
I had the most wonderful dream a couple weeks ago but it put me in an awful mood to wake up from it. I got to dream vividly that you were alive and just fine. I could touch you, I heard your beautiful laugh, I heard you say 'mamum' again. I watched you dance and play and be you. I dreamed of that all night and I didn't want to wake up from it...when I did I tried to sleep again, I was in a horrible mood that I couldn't dream of you again that day. I really wish I could dream such a wonderful dream again. Maybe someday I will...I can at least keep hoping.
I know that nothing will ever be the same without you, and I accept that but it doesn't mean I have to ever like it either and I won't ever like that. I can only hope that someday I will see you again when its my time to go...I do hope for our spirits to meet again, when its time and that is the only reason I'm not scared of 'my time' so much anymore. Until that time comes, I just keep wishing to dream of you again.
I love you Damian
love always
Your Mamum
Monday, October 31, 2011
Letter to Damian 10-31-2011
Hey Buggy,
I'm still missing you bunches. I wanted you to know I'm thinking about you today. This time last year I dressed you as a little bear and painted a black nose on you. I wanted to dress you as a little devil this year. I would rather dress you as a little devil than have everyone think of you as an angel. We could have gotten tons of candy.
Its hard to believe that its nearing a year since your accident. December is not that far away. I talked to the lawyers who are investigating your accident for me and dada so we can know what exactly went wrong at the hospital and they are still working on it. I did find out they are pretty certain something went wrong and it wasn't the accident that is why you aren't here..they are sure it was something at the hospital. The hospital took you away from me and now I can't dress you as a little devil.
I can still see your smile in my mind. I miss it but I will remember it forever.
I do have some better news than I've had in a long time though, in july 2012 you may be a big brother. I wish you could be here for it. No child will ever replace you though, I do want you to know that. Please help me watch over your little sibling...I know you love them as much as I do. Mamum will be having the first appointment to check your sibling in a couple days (on thursday) so they can check to see if everything is okay. After that they will use a machine probably within a few weeks to see how big your brother or sister is and make double sure they are okay.
I'm so scared that I'm going to lose them too. I still haven't gotten over losing you...I don't think I ever will...
I love you so much
Thinking about you this halloween
Love always
Your Mamum
I'm still missing you bunches. I wanted you to know I'm thinking about you today. This time last year I dressed you as a little bear and painted a black nose on you. I wanted to dress you as a little devil this year. I would rather dress you as a little devil than have everyone think of you as an angel. We could have gotten tons of candy.
Its hard to believe that its nearing a year since your accident. December is not that far away. I talked to the lawyers who are investigating your accident for me and dada so we can know what exactly went wrong at the hospital and they are still working on it. I did find out they are pretty certain something went wrong and it wasn't the accident that is why you aren't here..they are sure it was something at the hospital. The hospital took you away from me and now I can't dress you as a little devil.
I can still see your smile in my mind. I miss it but I will remember it forever.
I do have some better news than I've had in a long time though, in july 2012 you may be a big brother. I wish you could be here for it. No child will ever replace you though, I do want you to know that. Please help me watch over your little sibling...I know you love them as much as I do. Mamum will be having the first appointment to check your sibling in a couple days (on thursday) so they can check to see if everything is okay. After that they will use a machine probably within a few weeks to see how big your brother or sister is and make double sure they are okay.
I'm so scared that I'm going to lose them too. I still haven't gotten over losing you...I don't think I ever will...
I love you so much
Thinking about you this halloween
Love always
Your Mamum
Monday, October 17, 2011
Letter To Damian 10-17-2011
Damian,
You'd be 2 1/2 now. This year doesn't even feel real, I'm still stuck back at December 30th 2010. I can't even begin to explaine this year, I don't know how I'm still breathing without you.
I got a card from the lady that recieved your kidneys a couple days back. It came as a shock. I had stopped looking for letters from your organ recipiants months ago. It wasn't a bad shock...just a shocking experience. I am still confused as to what to write back. Part of me is overjoyed to hear from someone that now has you as a part of them. Part of me is scared to death that they either won't like me, they won't continue contact, or that your organs won't be treasured the way that I treasured you. Its confusing. I am happy and scared out of my mind at the same time.
What is even more confusing is what to write back. I can't even begin to know what to write her back. What if I mess up the line of communication with something I say?
I had a nightmare again night before last. You were taken away from me by some sort of evil, right out of your crib and I never would see you again. When I woke from the dream I wanted so badly to run into your room and see you in your crib (your crib is still in the same spot that you left it). I couldn't run in there and make sure you were okay....I know you aren't there. I hate having those types of nightmares even more now that you are gone. Nightmares have always been scary but when I wake up from a dream of something taking you away from me I know you aren't here anymore and something did take you away from me. Its a nightmare come true in a lot of ways.
I have been crying more for you again. I have my very bad days still where I just feel like my world has ended and will never get better. Some days it feels like it hurts worse and worse as time goes on. People say it will get better but I haven't seen better yet, just getting used to it.
I was listening to comedy to cheer me up a few days back and I was laughing and smiling with your dada. Then all the sudden it got to a part in the line where it was about a kid being in the hospital getting their toncils out and they 'saw their whole life flash before their eyes and they weren't that old so it was short' and I started crying. The line was supposed to be funny and I probably would have laughed had you still been with me and it didn't bring back flashbacks of the accident and being with you in the hospital. Is there ever going to be a day that just goes alright for me without you?
I miss you Damian. I have gotten pretty good at hiding the fact that I'm still torn up inside most of the time to strangers but thats about as good as I can do. I'm still lost without you, I feel like I've lost my purpose. My purpose was to be your mamum and protect you and watch you grow and help you grow. Now that you are gone, so is my purpose...it feels that way anyway.
Anyways, I might have more time to write you again now that I'm putting other things aside. I have been burying myself in trying to stay busy but I have missed being able to write you. I hope you still hear me when I talk to you. I have all but forgotten you...I could never forget you.
I love you and miss you so much
Always thinking of you
Your Mamum
You'd be 2 1/2 now. This year doesn't even feel real, I'm still stuck back at December 30th 2010. I can't even begin to explaine this year, I don't know how I'm still breathing without you.
I got a card from the lady that recieved your kidneys a couple days back. It came as a shock. I had stopped looking for letters from your organ recipiants months ago. It wasn't a bad shock...just a shocking experience. I am still confused as to what to write back. Part of me is overjoyed to hear from someone that now has you as a part of them. Part of me is scared to death that they either won't like me, they won't continue contact, or that your organs won't be treasured the way that I treasured you. Its confusing. I am happy and scared out of my mind at the same time.
What is even more confusing is what to write back. I can't even begin to know what to write her back. What if I mess up the line of communication with something I say?
I had a nightmare again night before last. You were taken away from me by some sort of evil, right out of your crib and I never would see you again. When I woke from the dream I wanted so badly to run into your room and see you in your crib (your crib is still in the same spot that you left it). I couldn't run in there and make sure you were okay....I know you aren't there. I hate having those types of nightmares even more now that you are gone. Nightmares have always been scary but when I wake up from a dream of something taking you away from me I know you aren't here anymore and something did take you away from me. Its a nightmare come true in a lot of ways.
I have been crying more for you again. I have my very bad days still where I just feel like my world has ended and will never get better. Some days it feels like it hurts worse and worse as time goes on. People say it will get better but I haven't seen better yet, just getting used to it.
I was listening to comedy to cheer me up a few days back and I was laughing and smiling with your dada. Then all the sudden it got to a part in the line where it was about a kid being in the hospital getting their toncils out and they 'saw their whole life flash before their eyes and they weren't that old so it was short' and I started crying. The line was supposed to be funny and I probably would have laughed had you still been with me and it didn't bring back flashbacks of the accident and being with you in the hospital. Is there ever going to be a day that just goes alright for me without you?
I miss you Damian. I have gotten pretty good at hiding the fact that I'm still torn up inside most of the time to strangers but thats about as good as I can do. I'm still lost without you, I feel like I've lost my purpose. My purpose was to be your mamum and protect you and watch you grow and help you grow. Now that you are gone, so is my purpose...it feels that way anyway.
Anyways, I might have more time to write you again now that I'm putting other things aside. I have been burying myself in trying to stay busy but I have missed being able to write you. I hope you still hear me when I talk to you. I have all but forgotten you...I could never forget you.
I love you and miss you so much
Always thinking of you
Your Mamum
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