Damian,
I didn't forget your birthday today, quite the opposite actualy. I wish I could have made you a cake, I did think of you when I ate m&ms today. I've spent most of the week leading up to your birthday crying. You should have been 3 years old today. I wonder what you would have looked like. Time keeps going on...it doesn't seem right that the days keep passing but you aren't here. I miss you. I can seem to put on an okay front when people are with me, I'm glad someone has been here with me most of the day because otherwise I think I might have had a breakdown. I'm not sure.
I was doing better for awhile but a couple weeks ago I ended up having quite the breakdown in the middle of walmart. It was kind of weird and out of nowhere. I was having a craving for cinnimon toast crunch cereal and in the checkout the back of the box faced me when I picked it up. I saw the little cannible cereal squares with their tongues hanging out on the back of the box and remembered the huge smile you used to get whenever they would be on a commercial. You would laugh so hard seeing those squares. I miss that. I miss you...
I cried right in the middle of the isle, then cried on the way out to the car, then cried in the car....then periodically for the past few weeks. Its not right without you, I'm not sure I'll ever get used to it..I'm not even sure I want to get used to it. I still think of you all the time. I think of you when I eat strawberries (which is often), bananas (or nanas as you called them), ice cream, I think of you when its a beautiful day and we could have gone to the park, I think of you when I see grape koolaid, when I see a toy matchbox car, or even when I look at zander your best buddy, I even think of you when your dada comes home and I remember how you used to smile and celebrate your 'adada' comming home.
I still love you even though you are dead. I've learned love doesn't recognize death and doesn't go away. I would still give my own life to have you live, but that doesn't seem to be an option in real life like it is on pegan television shows or movies. I do hope that there is life after death though...and with that being said, if there is life after death I hope with all my heart that you are having a happy birthday today. I hope that you sport that huge Damian smile and that beautiful laughter. It was a gorgeous day today on your birthday, over 80 degrees and sunny. I wish we could have gone to the park and enjoyed the sun before having ice cream and cake. I would have tried to make this the best day possible for you.
I wish you happiness...wherever your spirit may be
Love always
Your mamum
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