Damian,
I had a horrible nightmare that lasted all night last night. It was about you. I kept trying to wake up from it but I would close my eyes and the nightmare would continue. What actualy happend to you was nightmarish enough but this was just horrible.
I was at the hospital waiting for them to tell me what was going on with you. You were still alive. I wanted to hold you and sing to you and be there for you. They kept telling me you were dead. I was in the elevator and all the sudden they brought out this bag and you were in it, crying. You were reaching and wanting your Mamum. I took the bag away and took you out and held you. I felt your weight in my arms so vividly. I smelled you, I sang to you. They kept telling me it didn't matter that you were dying fast but I held you and sang to you anyway. I didn't let you go.
All night long I held you. Your face was red and you felt hot. They said multiple infections had taken over your body but I held you anyways. I wasn't going to let you feel alone like that. Whenever I held you and sang to you the crying eased and you just kept saying "mamum".
You suffered...all night. It tore me up inside. You suffered so long in my dream and when I finaly let go you did too. You died in the end. I saw you take your last breath.
I was finally able to wake up from this nightmare at about 7am today. I hope I never have one that bad again. While it was wonderful to feel you, smell you, hold you and hear you again...I wouldn't ever want you to suffer like that. Losing you could have been so much worse...that could have been real.
You were asleep when you coded, you never woke up. I don't know if anything is better or worse when it all comes down to losing you but I am relieved that you didn't suffer like you did in my nightmare. The nightmare still haunts me, losing you still haunts me and its going to be one of those days that I don't know how I'm going to make it through but you didn't suffer like that...it was a nightmare that showed you suffering. The pain I'm left with is still that I woke up from the horrible nightmare and you're still gone...
I love and miss you Damian...
always will
your Mamum
Monday, May 9, 2011
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Letter to Damian 4-26-2011
Damian,
I have been missing you so much. I never seem to stop missing you. Its been so rough with your 'Adada' gone. He ended up having to go back to the job he had while you were alive. I haven't been able to sleep much. Everytime I close my eyes and your dada isn't home I get flashbacks of the horrible nightmare that was real of your accident. I generaly wake up when I hear you cry in my nightmares of flashbacks. Whats scarey about it is I do wake up and I realize it really did happen. You're really gone.
I have never felt so empty in my life...nor so lonely. Sometimes I get scared. Will life always feel this empty and lonely? When I imagine life this way forever it makes me so sad that it takes all I have to keep from crying. I have gotten better at not crying though...
Your dada was supposed to be home tonight but his truck broke down the other day and he has to stay down in Oklahoma for days now. I don't know if I will even see him this week. You used to get so upset when that kind of thing would happen before. You always knew when he should have been home but wasn't. I am finding it difficult not to cry too when it comes to that. Everything is so empty in this house with just me here that today it has felt like its going to cave in on me.
Someone at the store asked what happend to you today. I walked to the dollar store down the block to get some rice and the lady that used to talk to you wanted to know what happend. I ended up going numb and told her what happend and how and the whole thing played again through my mind. It wasn't difficult. I seem to go numb when I tell people what happend and it always hits me hard later. On the way home the numbness faded, then when I got home I got cold and my stomach started turning, then I got shakey, then I got really sick to my stomach and I started shivering more. Now everything just feels meaningless and empty. I wish your dada were at least here. I need someone around me so badly when I get like this but the only person I have is your dada and he's out in the truck for who knows how long...its always so unpredictable with that company. I wish I had the comfort of knowing when he'd be here. I wish you were still here...and I wish I wasn't so lonely
I miss you Damian and I always will miss you. I'll always love you as well
love,
your Mamum
I have been missing you so much. I never seem to stop missing you. Its been so rough with your 'Adada' gone. He ended up having to go back to the job he had while you were alive. I haven't been able to sleep much. Everytime I close my eyes and your dada isn't home I get flashbacks of the horrible nightmare that was real of your accident. I generaly wake up when I hear you cry in my nightmares of flashbacks. Whats scarey about it is I do wake up and I realize it really did happen. You're really gone.
I have never felt so empty in my life...nor so lonely. Sometimes I get scared. Will life always feel this empty and lonely? When I imagine life this way forever it makes me so sad that it takes all I have to keep from crying. I have gotten better at not crying though...
Your dada was supposed to be home tonight but his truck broke down the other day and he has to stay down in Oklahoma for days now. I don't know if I will even see him this week. You used to get so upset when that kind of thing would happen before. You always knew when he should have been home but wasn't. I am finding it difficult not to cry too when it comes to that. Everything is so empty in this house with just me here that today it has felt like its going to cave in on me.
Someone at the store asked what happend to you today. I walked to the dollar store down the block to get some rice and the lady that used to talk to you wanted to know what happend. I ended up going numb and told her what happend and how and the whole thing played again through my mind. It wasn't difficult. I seem to go numb when I tell people what happend and it always hits me hard later. On the way home the numbness faded, then when I got home I got cold and my stomach started turning, then I got shakey, then I got really sick to my stomach and I started shivering more. Now everything just feels meaningless and empty. I wish your dada were at least here. I need someone around me so badly when I get like this but the only person I have is your dada and he's out in the truck for who knows how long...its always so unpredictable with that company. I wish I had the comfort of knowing when he'd be here. I wish you were still here...and I wish I wasn't so lonely
I miss you Damian and I always will miss you. I'll always love you as well
love,
your Mamum
Friday, April 15, 2011
Letter to Damian 4/15/2011
My little Cheekies,
No, Mamum hasn't forgotten your birthday. I could never forget your birthday. Ever. I did make your cake today..just as I said I would. Instead of marble cake though we are having yellow but the rest is the same. You liked anything of that sort though.
Today was beautiful during the day. Its looking like a storm is comming in this evening though. You liked both types of weather so I suppose it isn't so bad if you can see it. I wish I could have taken you to the park today...
You'd be 2 today. I wish you were here. Its felt so wrong without you dancing around...especially today. I did make a new memorial video for you the other day so it would be there when I have your memorial get together tomorrow. I miss you so much. If somehow you can see it its here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m9Bm501TTdI
I do hope you likey likey the video if you might be able to see it.
I miss you Damian....today would be perfect if you were here. If only.
love always
your Mamum
No, Mamum hasn't forgotten your birthday. I could never forget your birthday. Ever. I did make your cake today..just as I said I would. Instead of marble cake though we are having yellow but the rest is the same. You liked anything of that sort though.
Today was beautiful during the day. Its looking like a storm is comming in this evening though. You liked both types of weather so I suppose it isn't so bad if you can see it. I wish I could have taken you to the park today...
You'd be 2 today. I wish you were here. Its felt so wrong without you dancing around...especially today. I did make a new memorial video for you the other day so it would be there when I have your memorial get together tomorrow. I miss you so much. If somehow you can see it its here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m9Bm501TTdI
I do hope you likey likey the video if you might be able to see it.
I miss you Damian....today would be perfect if you were here. If only.
love always
your Mamum
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Letter to Damian 4/2/2011
My Baby Buggy
Another month has gone by without you. I miss you so much. The weather is starting to warm and there have been days lately I would have loved to take you to your favorite spot in the park. Sometimes it hurts so much to think of the things we'd be doing right now that I just lay on the couch you used to play on and kind of shut down staring out your window. I like to look out that window and see what you saw. You loved watching the cars and trees and the bushes. People would wave at you sometimes. I miss you...
I built your aquarium up a bit. Theres baby fish in there now since one of the mollies mumum bought had them a couple weeks ago. I'd like to put another plant in there, you never saw it with plants but I keep it pretty now and stocked with mollies in memory of you. Its in the corner your toys used to be you know. Your loaches are still alive and well in there too. I wish you could see it. Somedays I imagine you infront of it with that big smile of yours as you watch the fish.
On days like today I just want to curl up and cry but I'm going to try my best not to. You adada got a new job which he'll be starting week after next. After his orientation he'll be home nightly. I hope it works out and wish you could be here for it. You used to miss him so much and he would miss you.
You used to love the month of April. You got two cakes this month, one for mamum's birthday and one for yours. I'm still going to make a cake for your memorial this month I think...just the way you 'likey likey'd it. A nice marble home cooked cake with chocolate frosting and crushed m&ms on the top. Maybe everyone can get diabetes just looking at it and remember how energetic you were. I will still make your cake!
I love you my bug, always will.
Your Mamum
Another month has gone by without you. I miss you so much. The weather is starting to warm and there have been days lately I would have loved to take you to your favorite spot in the park. Sometimes it hurts so much to think of the things we'd be doing right now that I just lay on the couch you used to play on and kind of shut down staring out your window. I like to look out that window and see what you saw. You loved watching the cars and trees and the bushes. People would wave at you sometimes. I miss you...
I built your aquarium up a bit. Theres baby fish in there now since one of the mollies mumum bought had them a couple weeks ago. I'd like to put another plant in there, you never saw it with plants but I keep it pretty now and stocked with mollies in memory of you. Its in the corner your toys used to be you know. Your loaches are still alive and well in there too. I wish you could see it. Somedays I imagine you infront of it with that big smile of yours as you watch the fish.
On days like today I just want to curl up and cry but I'm going to try my best not to. You adada got a new job which he'll be starting week after next. After his orientation he'll be home nightly. I hope it works out and wish you could be here for it. You used to miss him so much and he would miss you.
You used to love the month of April. You got two cakes this month, one for mamum's birthday and one for yours. I'm still going to make a cake for your memorial this month I think...just the way you 'likey likey'd it. A nice marble home cooked cake with chocolate frosting and crushed m&ms on the top. Maybe everyone can get diabetes just looking at it and remember how energetic you were. I will still make your cake!
I love you my bug, always will.
Your Mamum
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Letter to Damian 3/12/2011
My lil Cheekies,
I am sorry I haven't typed to you on here recently. I have been talking to you instead. Usualy when I'm out and about when nobody else is around or whoever is around is sleeping. I desided today would be a good day to write you though since I've been struggling more and more to be okay with this new life I've been left with...maybe it will help.
Everybody keeps saying things are supposed to get better with time but they really don't seem to be doing so...therefore, I do not believe that they actualy will get better. I have noticed that people seem to think I'm doing better since I still smile and I have laughed as of late. I used to do such anyway and it made me feel worse but it hasn't so much made me feel worse as its a way of looking normal to the world outside and I'm getting used to it and it comes naturaly.
Maybe some people do get better. I feel..empty, just very empty. I feel like I died with you but still breath and I honestly believe that I did die. I'm still breathing, my heart is still beating but the mamum you knew just isn't really me. I have learned how normal people act that breath and that remain warm and alive and remembered how I was when you were alive and with me. I guess a good way of putting it is myself has just vanished to where ever you are and its not comming back. Ever. Maybe I'll get used to this new me, I can only hope because in all honesty I dont like it very much. If I get used to it maybe I'll be okay with it.
I have been able to go a few days here and there without having my daily breakdown of tears and sobs and shaking though they still come about. I don't know if tonight is going to be one of those nights or not.
I don't really sleep anymore, if I do its either really short or really long. I seem to have a pattern of one really long sleep a week. I miss you, buggy. As of the past couple days the longing to hold you has been extremely painful. The longing to hear you say 'mamum' has somewhat broken me and I can't seem to stop bringing up times where I heard you talk just so I can hear a whisper of your voice in memory and try so hard to remember your weight in my arms and your hands in my hair.
I like to believe that someday I will actualy see and feel you again, when I go to wherever you went to. I used to believe that long lives happend to most people but since losing you I don't know how long anyone or anything has including me. I hope if I have awhile that I will somehow find happy and fulfilling things to tell you about if I ever see you again...it really bothers me that you didn't get to learn all there is and see so much and do so much and maybe I'll be able to tell you about things you would have loved.
We got the coroner's report back not too long ago and it looks like everything would have been fine with you. I am upset that it looks to me like taking you to the hospital which should have been the right thing ended up being what hurt you. If I would have tended to you at home you would have been taken away from me but by taking you to the hospital you were taken away from me too. I was trying to do what was right but what is right in a situation like that? I'm so confused about so much, maybe when I talk to you tonight when I close my eyes you will answer.
I will always love you Damian
-Your Mamum
I am sorry I haven't typed to you on here recently. I have been talking to you instead. Usualy when I'm out and about when nobody else is around or whoever is around is sleeping. I desided today would be a good day to write you though since I've been struggling more and more to be okay with this new life I've been left with...maybe it will help.
Everybody keeps saying things are supposed to get better with time but they really don't seem to be doing so...therefore, I do not believe that they actualy will get better. I have noticed that people seem to think I'm doing better since I still smile and I have laughed as of late. I used to do such anyway and it made me feel worse but it hasn't so much made me feel worse as its a way of looking normal to the world outside and I'm getting used to it and it comes naturaly.
Maybe some people do get better. I feel..empty, just very empty. I feel like I died with you but still breath and I honestly believe that I did die. I'm still breathing, my heart is still beating but the mamum you knew just isn't really me. I have learned how normal people act that breath and that remain warm and alive and remembered how I was when you were alive and with me. I guess a good way of putting it is myself has just vanished to where ever you are and its not comming back. Ever. Maybe I'll get used to this new me, I can only hope because in all honesty I dont like it very much. If I get used to it maybe I'll be okay with it.
I have been able to go a few days here and there without having my daily breakdown of tears and sobs and shaking though they still come about. I don't know if tonight is going to be one of those nights or not.
I don't really sleep anymore, if I do its either really short or really long. I seem to have a pattern of one really long sleep a week. I miss you, buggy. As of the past couple days the longing to hold you has been extremely painful. The longing to hear you say 'mamum' has somewhat broken me and I can't seem to stop bringing up times where I heard you talk just so I can hear a whisper of your voice in memory and try so hard to remember your weight in my arms and your hands in my hair.
I like to believe that someday I will actualy see and feel you again, when I go to wherever you went to. I used to believe that long lives happend to most people but since losing you I don't know how long anyone or anything has including me. I hope if I have awhile that I will somehow find happy and fulfilling things to tell you about if I ever see you again...it really bothers me that you didn't get to learn all there is and see so much and do so much and maybe I'll be able to tell you about things you would have loved.
We got the coroner's report back not too long ago and it looks like everything would have been fine with you. I am upset that it looks to me like taking you to the hospital which should have been the right thing ended up being what hurt you. If I would have tended to you at home you would have been taken away from me but by taking you to the hospital you were taken away from me too. I was trying to do what was right but what is right in a situation like that? I'm so confused about so much, maybe when I talk to you tonight when I close my eyes you will answer.
I will always love you Damian
-Your Mamum
Monday, February 7, 2011
Letter to Damian 2/7/2011
Damian
I've been having a rough time with living without you. That pup I got to help chase away the quiet was sold to me with parvo and he was euthanized 2/3/2011...exactly one month and one day after you were pronounced dead. Now its even more quiet than it was if I just hadn't gotten the pup. I swear I feel like poisen. I'm honestly afraid to get close to anyone or anything right now because I'm afraid being close to me is a death sentence for life. I fear for Zander and Tonks and your Adada because I love them and things I love seem to just die. Maybe if you had had a different Mamum you would have lived a nice long life like you deserved and should have lived. I don't know but I do know I feel sometimes like I'm dead but feeling the pain. Not the dead that ends but the dead of ongoing knawing pain.
I just want to touch you and hold you. I ache so desperately for your touch, your voice, your smell. I need to hold you but its not possible, your ashes are on my book case...I couldn't even pretend there may be a way you would just magicaly spring to life and climb out of your grave. I get angry at myself for my body keeping going. Why isn't there an end to this horrible pain? Is this my punishment for walking into the livingroom with the pan on the stove? I don't wish to die, I'm not suicidal but I want you here with me. I need you here with me. People seem to think that I wish to die because you died but I don't want to do such, I want you ALIVE and with me. It gets harder and harder each day knowing that I'm not an active Mamum and that nobody looks up to me and smiles at me and laughs at the silly face I make when I'm thinking and moving my lip ring. I made cookies once since you've passed on and there were no little hands sneaking up to steal them off the counter. Why was I given you, my biggest dream in life to be a Mamum and then you were so quickly taken away?
I get people all the time saying its gods will, god wanted another angel, god did this, god needed you, have faith in god. I had faith in god in the hospital and if god was there he would have known how badly I need you. Any god would know that I would suffer horribly without you. If it was god and he just needed you to have an angel why did he take the pup that helped chase away this silence? He needed the pup too? I've been told you wanted the puppy to play with but I don't buy that either. I don't think you would want the puppy to die and for me to be miserable like this or do you? I don't think that is the case. I also don't believe any wonderful god would be that damn greedy. I hate to say it, well I don't hate to unfortunatly, but I have lost any ounce of faith. If this all was 'gods doing' then god must be a horrible horrible thing and I don't want it.
I love you Damian and I think of you every second of the day
You are still my whole world and everything in it...even though you are gone and my world is empty now
Love always and forever
-Your Mamum
I've been having a rough time with living without you. That pup I got to help chase away the quiet was sold to me with parvo and he was euthanized 2/3/2011...exactly one month and one day after you were pronounced dead. Now its even more quiet than it was if I just hadn't gotten the pup. I swear I feel like poisen. I'm honestly afraid to get close to anyone or anything right now because I'm afraid being close to me is a death sentence for life. I fear for Zander and Tonks and your Adada because I love them and things I love seem to just die. Maybe if you had had a different Mamum you would have lived a nice long life like you deserved and should have lived. I don't know but I do know I feel sometimes like I'm dead but feeling the pain. Not the dead that ends but the dead of ongoing knawing pain.
I just want to touch you and hold you. I ache so desperately for your touch, your voice, your smell. I need to hold you but its not possible, your ashes are on my book case...I couldn't even pretend there may be a way you would just magicaly spring to life and climb out of your grave. I get angry at myself for my body keeping going. Why isn't there an end to this horrible pain? Is this my punishment for walking into the livingroom with the pan on the stove? I don't wish to die, I'm not suicidal but I want you here with me. I need you here with me. People seem to think that I wish to die because you died but I don't want to do such, I want you ALIVE and with me. It gets harder and harder each day knowing that I'm not an active Mamum and that nobody looks up to me and smiles at me and laughs at the silly face I make when I'm thinking and moving my lip ring. I made cookies once since you've passed on and there were no little hands sneaking up to steal them off the counter. Why was I given you, my biggest dream in life to be a Mamum and then you were so quickly taken away?
I get people all the time saying its gods will, god wanted another angel, god did this, god needed you, have faith in god. I had faith in god in the hospital and if god was there he would have known how badly I need you. Any god would know that I would suffer horribly without you. If it was god and he just needed you to have an angel why did he take the pup that helped chase away this silence? He needed the pup too? I've been told you wanted the puppy to play with but I don't buy that either. I don't think you would want the puppy to die and for me to be miserable like this or do you? I don't think that is the case. I also don't believe any wonderful god would be that damn greedy. I hate to say it, well I don't hate to unfortunatly, but I have lost any ounce of faith. If this all was 'gods doing' then god must be a horrible horrible thing and I don't want it.
I love you Damian and I think of you every second of the day
You are still my whole world and everything in it...even though you are gone and my world is empty now
Love always and forever
-Your Mamum
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Letter to Damian 2/2/2011
Damian
As of today it has been 1 month since they pronounced you brain dead. Its odd, some days it feels like I held you just yesterday and you were smiling and laughing at the noz noz noz and the nommies and doing the Damian dance and other days it feels like you were only a dream, a wishful thought, or a prayer. I haven't written you in a couple days because I haven't been able to bring myself to a state where I could really concentrate. I do okay sometimes and it seems like I'll do really good for a little while and then it will hit me again and I'll be so depressed I can barely function. I had so many plans for us this spring and summer and the ones to follow. I even had plans for the day of the accident and it tears me up knowing all the things we never got to do and I never got to see you smile over them. I never even got to see you be bored or embarassed out of your mind by the silly things Mamum wanted to do such as; silly mamum wanted to take you to see Tulsa OK during an ice storm and whats in Tulsa? Or silly mamum still made you an m&m chocolate cake on your 16th birthday or something. I'll never get to see you live those days and the loss is so traumendus.
I want so badly, would give anything just to see you smile one more time, that smile that lit up the entire world over the silly McDonalds commercial or the intro to T.U.F.F Puppy or ICarley or the smile you got when you got to go to the park in the summer time and go wee down the slide while you went "yeee" and your big blue eyes sparkled with so much life and happiness. I'd give anything just to feel you hold tight to me again and talk about your Adada or to do your famous "ha ha ha" while you pulled the babygate out of the way with what looked effortless as you marched into an area anyways and I got to chase after you while you squeeled with joy. Damian, I miss you so very much that its overwhelming a lot of times. I enjoyed every moment of watching you grow and I really didn't and still don't want to believe that this is what you would be, dead at 20 months old. I used to sit there and smile while watching you enjoy your bath bath bath and splash water around while doing the squeel of joy that I swore would break glass and I would ponder who you would be and what you would do days, months, and years down the road. How can it just end like that? Why? Its not fair. The last thing and most impossible thing for me to even imagine was that you would die a toddler.
I keep trying to figure out what to do with myself since I don't take care of you 24/7 anymore. I hate not being Mamum. It hurts. I always wanted to be a mother and now I'm not. I know I will always be the one that mothered you for just under 2 years but you're gone. I wouldn't trade that time I got my dream come true for anything but I'm greedy and wanted more time. I wanted to die an active mom...most of all I wanted to watch you grow up and be...you. I miss you Damian and I wish I could bring you back. I still feel I failed you by not being able to save you. I'm your mamum, mamums are supposed to protect their babies and make their boo boos better. I failed you.
I had a dream about you on the 31st of January and you were doing you Damian dance and the cheerful noise you used to do when you did the dance. I didn't want to wake up from that dream. I grew angry for several days and depressed that I had to wake up from the dream of you stomping and placing your feet stretegicaly through the room with your dance noise and your footsie pajamas only on your arms and trailing in the air behind you like a cape. You were my little superhero that made my dream come true even if it was a short lived time. I'm sorry I failed you by not being able to make it better, by not making sure you couldn't get to that saucepan of water, and by not being able to bring you back from the nappy medicine they gave you in the hospital. I miss you Damian, I love you more than the entire world and I will always love you and I'm sorry that I couldn't make it all okay. I can only hope you forgive me for not being able to bring you back from the hospital.
love you always and you are always on my mind
Your Mamum
As of today it has been 1 month since they pronounced you brain dead. Its odd, some days it feels like I held you just yesterday and you were smiling and laughing at the noz noz noz and the nommies and doing the Damian dance and other days it feels like you were only a dream, a wishful thought, or a prayer. I haven't written you in a couple days because I haven't been able to bring myself to a state where I could really concentrate. I do okay sometimes and it seems like I'll do really good for a little while and then it will hit me again and I'll be so depressed I can barely function. I had so many plans for us this spring and summer and the ones to follow. I even had plans for the day of the accident and it tears me up knowing all the things we never got to do and I never got to see you smile over them. I never even got to see you be bored or embarassed out of your mind by the silly things Mamum wanted to do such as; silly mamum wanted to take you to see Tulsa OK during an ice storm and whats in Tulsa? Or silly mamum still made you an m&m chocolate cake on your 16th birthday or something. I'll never get to see you live those days and the loss is so traumendus.
I want so badly, would give anything just to see you smile one more time, that smile that lit up the entire world over the silly McDonalds commercial or the intro to T.U.F.F Puppy or ICarley or the smile you got when you got to go to the park in the summer time and go wee down the slide while you went "yeee" and your big blue eyes sparkled with so much life and happiness. I'd give anything just to feel you hold tight to me again and talk about your Adada or to do your famous "ha ha ha" while you pulled the babygate out of the way with what looked effortless as you marched into an area anyways and I got to chase after you while you squeeled with joy. Damian, I miss you so very much that its overwhelming a lot of times. I enjoyed every moment of watching you grow and I really didn't and still don't want to believe that this is what you would be, dead at 20 months old. I used to sit there and smile while watching you enjoy your bath bath bath and splash water around while doing the squeel of joy that I swore would break glass and I would ponder who you would be and what you would do days, months, and years down the road. How can it just end like that? Why? Its not fair. The last thing and most impossible thing for me to even imagine was that you would die a toddler.
I keep trying to figure out what to do with myself since I don't take care of you 24/7 anymore. I hate not being Mamum. It hurts. I always wanted to be a mother and now I'm not. I know I will always be the one that mothered you for just under 2 years but you're gone. I wouldn't trade that time I got my dream come true for anything but I'm greedy and wanted more time. I wanted to die an active mom...most of all I wanted to watch you grow up and be...you. I miss you Damian and I wish I could bring you back. I still feel I failed you by not being able to save you. I'm your mamum, mamums are supposed to protect their babies and make their boo boos better. I failed you.
I had a dream about you on the 31st of January and you were doing you Damian dance and the cheerful noise you used to do when you did the dance. I didn't want to wake up from that dream. I grew angry for several days and depressed that I had to wake up from the dream of you stomping and placing your feet stretegicaly through the room with your dance noise and your footsie pajamas only on your arms and trailing in the air behind you like a cape. You were my little superhero that made my dream come true even if it was a short lived time. I'm sorry I failed you by not being able to make it better, by not making sure you couldn't get to that saucepan of water, and by not being able to bring you back from the nappy medicine they gave you in the hospital. I miss you Damian, I love you more than the entire world and I will always love you and I'm sorry that I couldn't make it all okay. I can only hope you forgive me for not being able to bring you back from the hospital.
love you always and you are always on my mind
Your Mamum
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