Hey Buggy,
I'm still missing you bunches. I wanted you to know I'm thinking about you today. This time last year I dressed you as a little bear and painted a black nose on you. I wanted to dress you as a little devil this year. I would rather dress you as a little devil than have everyone think of you as an angel. We could have gotten tons of candy.
Its hard to believe that its nearing a year since your accident. December is not that far away. I talked to the lawyers who are investigating your accident for me and dada so we can know what exactly went wrong at the hospital and they are still working on it. I did find out they are pretty certain something went wrong and it wasn't the accident that is why you aren't here..they are sure it was something at the hospital. The hospital took you away from me and now I can't dress you as a little devil.
I can still see your smile in my mind. I miss it but I will remember it forever.
I do have some better news than I've had in a long time though, in july 2012 you may be a big brother. I wish you could be here for it. No child will ever replace you though, I do want you to know that. Please help me watch over your little sibling...I know you love them as much as I do. Mamum will be having the first appointment to check your sibling in a couple days (on thursday) so they can check to see if everything is okay. After that they will use a machine probably within a few weeks to see how big your brother or sister is and make double sure they are okay.
I'm so scared that I'm going to lose them too. I still haven't gotten over losing you...I don't think I ever will...
I love you so much
Thinking about you this halloween
Love always
Your Mamum
Monday, October 31, 2011
Monday, October 17, 2011
Letter To Damian 10-17-2011
Damian,
You'd be 2 1/2 now. This year doesn't even feel real, I'm still stuck back at December 30th 2010. I can't even begin to explaine this year, I don't know how I'm still breathing without you.
I got a card from the lady that recieved your kidneys a couple days back. It came as a shock. I had stopped looking for letters from your organ recipiants months ago. It wasn't a bad shock...just a shocking experience. I am still confused as to what to write back. Part of me is overjoyed to hear from someone that now has you as a part of them. Part of me is scared to death that they either won't like me, they won't continue contact, or that your organs won't be treasured the way that I treasured you. Its confusing. I am happy and scared out of my mind at the same time.
What is even more confusing is what to write back. I can't even begin to know what to write her back. What if I mess up the line of communication with something I say?
I had a nightmare again night before last. You were taken away from me by some sort of evil, right out of your crib and I never would see you again. When I woke from the dream I wanted so badly to run into your room and see you in your crib (your crib is still in the same spot that you left it). I couldn't run in there and make sure you were okay....I know you aren't there. I hate having those types of nightmares even more now that you are gone. Nightmares have always been scary but when I wake up from a dream of something taking you away from me I know you aren't here anymore and something did take you away from me. Its a nightmare come true in a lot of ways.
I have been crying more for you again. I have my very bad days still where I just feel like my world has ended and will never get better. Some days it feels like it hurts worse and worse as time goes on. People say it will get better but I haven't seen better yet, just getting used to it.
I was listening to comedy to cheer me up a few days back and I was laughing and smiling with your dada. Then all the sudden it got to a part in the line where it was about a kid being in the hospital getting their toncils out and they 'saw their whole life flash before their eyes and they weren't that old so it was short' and I started crying. The line was supposed to be funny and I probably would have laughed had you still been with me and it didn't bring back flashbacks of the accident and being with you in the hospital. Is there ever going to be a day that just goes alright for me without you?
I miss you Damian. I have gotten pretty good at hiding the fact that I'm still torn up inside most of the time to strangers but thats about as good as I can do. I'm still lost without you, I feel like I've lost my purpose. My purpose was to be your mamum and protect you and watch you grow and help you grow. Now that you are gone, so is my purpose...it feels that way anyway.
Anyways, I might have more time to write you again now that I'm putting other things aside. I have been burying myself in trying to stay busy but I have missed being able to write you. I hope you still hear me when I talk to you. I have all but forgotten you...I could never forget you.
I love you and miss you so much
Always thinking of you
Your Mamum
You'd be 2 1/2 now. This year doesn't even feel real, I'm still stuck back at December 30th 2010. I can't even begin to explaine this year, I don't know how I'm still breathing without you.
I got a card from the lady that recieved your kidneys a couple days back. It came as a shock. I had stopped looking for letters from your organ recipiants months ago. It wasn't a bad shock...just a shocking experience. I am still confused as to what to write back. Part of me is overjoyed to hear from someone that now has you as a part of them. Part of me is scared to death that they either won't like me, they won't continue contact, or that your organs won't be treasured the way that I treasured you. Its confusing. I am happy and scared out of my mind at the same time.
What is even more confusing is what to write back. I can't even begin to know what to write her back. What if I mess up the line of communication with something I say?
I had a nightmare again night before last. You were taken away from me by some sort of evil, right out of your crib and I never would see you again. When I woke from the dream I wanted so badly to run into your room and see you in your crib (your crib is still in the same spot that you left it). I couldn't run in there and make sure you were okay....I know you aren't there. I hate having those types of nightmares even more now that you are gone. Nightmares have always been scary but when I wake up from a dream of something taking you away from me I know you aren't here anymore and something did take you away from me. Its a nightmare come true in a lot of ways.
I have been crying more for you again. I have my very bad days still where I just feel like my world has ended and will never get better. Some days it feels like it hurts worse and worse as time goes on. People say it will get better but I haven't seen better yet, just getting used to it.
I was listening to comedy to cheer me up a few days back and I was laughing and smiling with your dada. Then all the sudden it got to a part in the line where it was about a kid being in the hospital getting their toncils out and they 'saw their whole life flash before their eyes and they weren't that old so it was short' and I started crying. The line was supposed to be funny and I probably would have laughed had you still been with me and it didn't bring back flashbacks of the accident and being with you in the hospital. Is there ever going to be a day that just goes alright for me without you?
I miss you Damian. I have gotten pretty good at hiding the fact that I'm still torn up inside most of the time to strangers but thats about as good as I can do. I'm still lost without you, I feel like I've lost my purpose. My purpose was to be your mamum and protect you and watch you grow and help you grow. Now that you are gone, so is my purpose...it feels that way anyway.
Anyways, I might have more time to write you again now that I'm putting other things aside. I have been burying myself in trying to stay busy but I have missed being able to write you. I hope you still hear me when I talk to you. I have all but forgotten you...I could never forget you.
I love you and miss you so much
Always thinking of you
Your Mamum
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