Damian,
I have been missing you so much. I never seem to stop missing you. Its been so rough with your 'Adada' gone. He ended up having to go back to the job he had while you were alive. I haven't been able to sleep much. Everytime I close my eyes and your dada isn't home I get flashbacks of the horrible nightmare that was real of your accident. I generaly wake up when I hear you cry in my nightmares of flashbacks. Whats scarey about it is I do wake up and I realize it really did happen. You're really gone.
I have never felt so empty in my life...nor so lonely. Sometimes I get scared. Will life always feel this empty and lonely? When I imagine life this way forever it makes me so sad that it takes all I have to keep from crying. I have gotten better at not crying though...
Your dada was supposed to be home tonight but his truck broke down the other day and he has to stay down in Oklahoma for days now. I don't know if I will even see him this week. You used to get so upset when that kind of thing would happen before. You always knew when he should have been home but wasn't. I am finding it difficult not to cry too when it comes to that. Everything is so empty in this house with just me here that today it has felt like its going to cave in on me.
Someone at the store asked what happend to you today. I walked to the dollar store down the block to get some rice and the lady that used to talk to you wanted to know what happend. I ended up going numb and told her what happend and how and the whole thing played again through my mind. It wasn't difficult. I seem to go numb when I tell people what happend and it always hits me hard later. On the way home the numbness faded, then when I got home I got cold and my stomach started turning, then I got shakey, then I got really sick to my stomach and I started shivering more. Now everything just feels meaningless and empty. I wish your dada were at least here. I need someone around me so badly when I get like this but the only person I have is your dada and he's out in the truck for who knows how long...its always so unpredictable with that company. I wish I had the comfort of knowing when he'd be here. I wish you were still here...and I wish I wasn't so lonely
I miss you Damian and I always will miss you. I'll always love you as well
love,
your Mamum
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Friday, April 15, 2011
Letter to Damian 4/15/2011
My little Cheekies,
No, Mamum hasn't forgotten your birthday. I could never forget your birthday. Ever. I did make your cake today..just as I said I would. Instead of marble cake though we are having yellow but the rest is the same. You liked anything of that sort though.
Today was beautiful during the day. Its looking like a storm is comming in this evening though. You liked both types of weather so I suppose it isn't so bad if you can see it. I wish I could have taken you to the park today...
You'd be 2 today. I wish you were here. Its felt so wrong without you dancing around...especially today. I did make a new memorial video for you the other day so it would be there when I have your memorial get together tomorrow. I miss you so much. If somehow you can see it its here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m9Bm501TTdI
I do hope you likey likey the video if you might be able to see it.
I miss you Damian....today would be perfect if you were here. If only.
love always
your Mamum
No, Mamum hasn't forgotten your birthday. I could never forget your birthday. Ever. I did make your cake today..just as I said I would. Instead of marble cake though we are having yellow but the rest is the same. You liked anything of that sort though.
Today was beautiful during the day. Its looking like a storm is comming in this evening though. You liked both types of weather so I suppose it isn't so bad if you can see it. I wish I could have taken you to the park today...
You'd be 2 today. I wish you were here. Its felt so wrong without you dancing around...especially today. I did make a new memorial video for you the other day so it would be there when I have your memorial get together tomorrow. I miss you so much. If somehow you can see it its here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m9Bm501TTdI
I do hope you likey likey the video if you might be able to see it.
I miss you Damian....today would be perfect if you were here. If only.
love always
your Mamum
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Letter to Damian 4/2/2011
My Baby Buggy
Another month has gone by without you. I miss you so much. The weather is starting to warm and there have been days lately I would have loved to take you to your favorite spot in the park. Sometimes it hurts so much to think of the things we'd be doing right now that I just lay on the couch you used to play on and kind of shut down staring out your window. I like to look out that window and see what you saw. You loved watching the cars and trees and the bushes. People would wave at you sometimes. I miss you...
I built your aquarium up a bit. Theres baby fish in there now since one of the mollies mumum bought had them a couple weeks ago. I'd like to put another plant in there, you never saw it with plants but I keep it pretty now and stocked with mollies in memory of you. Its in the corner your toys used to be you know. Your loaches are still alive and well in there too. I wish you could see it. Somedays I imagine you infront of it with that big smile of yours as you watch the fish.
On days like today I just want to curl up and cry but I'm going to try my best not to. You adada got a new job which he'll be starting week after next. After his orientation he'll be home nightly. I hope it works out and wish you could be here for it. You used to miss him so much and he would miss you.
You used to love the month of April. You got two cakes this month, one for mamum's birthday and one for yours. I'm still going to make a cake for your memorial this month I think...just the way you 'likey likey'd it. A nice marble home cooked cake with chocolate frosting and crushed m&ms on the top. Maybe everyone can get diabetes just looking at it and remember how energetic you were. I will still make your cake!
I love you my bug, always will.
Your Mamum
Another month has gone by without you. I miss you so much. The weather is starting to warm and there have been days lately I would have loved to take you to your favorite spot in the park. Sometimes it hurts so much to think of the things we'd be doing right now that I just lay on the couch you used to play on and kind of shut down staring out your window. I like to look out that window and see what you saw. You loved watching the cars and trees and the bushes. People would wave at you sometimes. I miss you...
I built your aquarium up a bit. Theres baby fish in there now since one of the mollies mumum bought had them a couple weeks ago. I'd like to put another plant in there, you never saw it with plants but I keep it pretty now and stocked with mollies in memory of you. Its in the corner your toys used to be you know. Your loaches are still alive and well in there too. I wish you could see it. Somedays I imagine you infront of it with that big smile of yours as you watch the fish.
On days like today I just want to curl up and cry but I'm going to try my best not to. You adada got a new job which he'll be starting week after next. After his orientation he'll be home nightly. I hope it works out and wish you could be here for it. You used to miss him so much and he would miss you.
You used to love the month of April. You got two cakes this month, one for mamum's birthday and one for yours. I'm still going to make a cake for your memorial this month I think...just the way you 'likey likey'd it. A nice marble home cooked cake with chocolate frosting and crushed m&ms on the top. Maybe everyone can get diabetes just looking at it and remember how energetic you were. I will still make your cake!
I love you my bug, always will.
Your Mamum
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