Letter to Damian 2/2/2011

Damian
  As of today it has been 1 month since they pronounced you brain dead.  Its odd, some days it feels like I held you just yesterday and you were smiling and laughing at the noz noz noz and the nommies and doing the Damian dance and other days it feels like you were only a dream, a wishful thought, or a prayer.  I haven't written you in a couple days because I haven't been able to bring myself to a state where I could really concentrate.  I do okay sometimes and it seems like I'll do really good for a little while and then it will hit me again and I'll be so depressed I can barely function.  I had so many plans for us this spring and summer and the ones to follow.  I even had plans for the day of the accident and it tears me up knowing all the things we never got to do and I never got to see you smile over them.  I never even got to see you be bored or embarassed out of your mind by the silly things Mamum wanted to do such as; silly mamum wanted to take you to see Tulsa OK during an ice storm and whats in Tulsa?  Or silly mamum still made you an m&m chocolate cake on your 16th birthday or something.  I'll never get to see you live those days and the loss is so traumendus. 
  I want so badly, would give anything just to see you smile one more time, that smile that lit up the entire world over the silly McDonalds commercial or the intro to T.U.F.F Puppy or ICarley or the smile you got when you got to go to the park in the summer time and go wee down the slide while you went "yeee" and your big blue eyes sparkled with so much life and happiness.  I'd give anything just to feel you hold tight to me again and talk about your Adada or to do your famous "ha ha ha" while you pulled the babygate out of the way with what looked effortless as you marched into an area anyways and I got to chase after you while you squeeled with joy.  Damian, I miss you so very much that its overwhelming a lot of times.  I enjoyed every moment of watching you grow and I really didn't and still don't want to believe that this is what you would be, dead at 20 months old.  I used to sit there and smile while watching you enjoy your bath bath bath and splash water around while doing the squeel of joy that I swore would break glass and I would ponder who you would be and what you would do days, months, and years down the road.  How can it just end like that?  Why?  Its not fair.  The last thing and most impossible thing for me to even imagine was that you would die a toddler. 
  I keep trying to figure out what to do with myself since I don't take care of you 24/7 anymore.  I hate not being Mamum.  It hurts.  I always wanted to be a mother and now I'm not.  I know I will always be the one that mothered you for just under 2 years but you're gone.  I wouldn't trade that time I got my dream come true for anything but I'm greedy and wanted more time.  I wanted to die an active mom...most of all I wanted to watch you grow up and be...you.  I miss you Damian and I wish I could bring you back.  I still feel I failed you by not being able to save you.  I'm your mamum, mamums are supposed to protect their babies and make their boo boos better.  I failed you. 
  I had a dream about you on the 31st of January and you were doing you Damian dance and the cheerful noise you used to do when you did the dance.  I didn't want to wake up from that dream.  I grew angry for several days and depressed that I had to wake up from the dream of you stomping and placing your feet stretegicaly through the room with your dance noise and your footsie pajamas only on your arms and trailing in the air behind you like a cape.  You were my little superhero that made my dream come true even if it was a short lived time.  I'm sorry I failed you by not being able to make it better, by not making sure you couldn't get to that saucepan of water, and by not being able to bring you back from the nappy medicine they gave you in the hospital.  I miss you Damian, I love you more than the entire world and I will always love you and I'm sorry that I couldn't make it all okay.  I can only hope you forgive me for not being able to bring you back from the hospital.
love you always and you are always on my mind
Your Mamum