Damian,
I've been thinking about you quite a bit but, then again, I always do. Its been rough, I don't want to wake up from the dreams I've been having of you lately. For the longest time I was tortured by the dreams of that horrible day/days that I lost you but lately...lately I've been dreaming of you growing. I don't want to wake up from those dreams. I want to spend the time with you even if it is just in my mind. I dream of you meeting your brother in a couple months. I know you would have loved to have met him.
You would have made a wonderful big brother, he never would have had to have been scared of anything. He would have had such a strong big brother. I will be sure that he knows about who you were while you were here on earth, though I wish so much that you could still be here to meet him.
Another thing that has bothered me is that your mamum is scared. I'm scared that I won't be a good enough mom to your brother. I will try my best but I'm so scared that it won't be enough. I want to be the best mom in the world...I wanted to be the best mom with you too...
I still have a hard time cooking food but it looks like I just whip through it anymore. I'm so good at just working through the thoughts and flashbacks with it anymore. It hurts to cook sometimes. I can't help but imagine what you felt in those moments where you pulled the pan down, it makes me want to break down and fall on the floor infront of the stove and just sob there forever but that isn't an option for me anymore. It really hurts when people remind me of how much burns hurt...like I don't think about that every day of my life already.
I get overwhelmed when I think about the future without you too much so I just take one day at a time still. When I step back and think about the whole future without you in it it feels like too much and I can't take the pain and the horror of going on without you in my life. I don't know how I'm going to live the rest of my life without you still, I do know that I have to take one day at a time to get to the rest of my life though.
I have thought about my chances of something going wrong and dying during childbirth in a couple months and I have a couple different thoughts about that. One thought, is that I would be able to see you if there is life after death and that isn't a bad thought. I miss you so much. I want to see you again. I'm not saying I want to die but the thought that I might be able to see you again isn't the worst thought in the world. I also think that I wouldn't get to meet your brother and that thought isn't a good one. I have felt him growing for many months now and I want to see him, I want to be a good mother to him, I want to hold him and tell him all about his strong big brother, I want to watch him grow. Its hard to talk to people about it without worry that they will think I'm suicidal, which I'm not..I just miss you and wish there was a way to see you. I do have will to live and try to be a mother again but it is still painful and I still wish you were here.
Anyways, I still love you Damian...I still miss you and my heart aches to still have you near me.
Love always,
Your Mamum
Monday, April 30, 2012
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Letter To Damian 4-15-2012
Damian,
I didn't forget your birthday today, quite the opposite actualy. I wish I could have made you a cake, I did think of you when I ate m&ms today. I've spent most of the week leading up to your birthday crying. You should have been 3 years old today. I wonder what you would have looked like. Time keeps going on...it doesn't seem right that the days keep passing but you aren't here. I miss you. I can seem to put on an okay front when people are with me, I'm glad someone has been here with me most of the day because otherwise I think I might have had a breakdown. I'm not sure.
I was doing better for awhile but a couple weeks ago I ended up having quite the breakdown in the middle of walmart. It was kind of weird and out of nowhere. I was having a craving for cinnimon toast crunch cereal and in the checkout the back of the box faced me when I picked it up. I saw the little cannible cereal squares with their tongues hanging out on the back of the box and remembered the huge smile you used to get whenever they would be on a commercial. You would laugh so hard seeing those squares. I miss that. I miss you...
I cried right in the middle of the isle, then cried on the way out to the car, then cried in the car....then periodically for the past few weeks. Its not right without you, I'm not sure I'll ever get used to it..I'm not even sure I want to get used to it. I still think of you all the time. I think of you when I eat strawberries (which is often), bananas (or nanas as you called them), ice cream, I think of you when its a beautiful day and we could have gone to the park, I think of you when I see grape koolaid, when I see a toy matchbox car, or even when I look at zander your best buddy, I even think of you when your dada comes home and I remember how you used to smile and celebrate your 'adada' comming home.
I still love you even though you are dead. I've learned love doesn't recognize death and doesn't go away. I would still give my own life to have you live, but that doesn't seem to be an option in real life like it is on pegan television shows or movies. I do hope that there is life after death though...and with that being said, if there is life after death I hope with all my heart that you are having a happy birthday today. I hope that you sport that huge Damian smile and that beautiful laughter. It was a gorgeous day today on your birthday, over 80 degrees and sunny. I wish we could have gone to the park and enjoyed the sun before having ice cream and cake. I would have tried to make this the best day possible for you.
I wish you happiness...wherever your spirit may be
Love always
Your mamum
I didn't forget your birthday today, quite the opposite actualy. I wish I could have made you a cake, I did think of you when I ate m&ms today. I've spent most of the week leading up to your birthday crying. You should have been 3 years old today. I wonder what you would have looked like. Time keeps going on...it doesn't seem right that the days keep passing but you aren't here. I miss you. I can seem to put on an okay front when people are with me, I'm glad someone has been here with me most of the day because otherwise I think I might have had a breakdown. I'm not sure.
I was doing better for awhile but a couple weeks ago I ended up having quite the breakdown in the middle of walmart. It was kind of weird and out of nowhere. I was having a craving for cinnimon toast crunch cereal and in the checkout the back of the box faced me when I picked it up. I saw the little cannible cereal squares with their tongues hanging out on the back of the box and remembered the huge smile you used to get whenever they would be on a commercial. You would laugh so hard seeing those squares. I miss that. I miss you...
I cried right in the middle of the isle, then cried on the way out to the car, then cried in the car....then periodically for the past few weeks. Its not right without you, I'm not sure I'll ever get used to it..I'm not even sure I want to get used to it. I still think of you all the time. I think of you when I eat strawberries (which is often), bananas (or nanas as you called them), ice cream, I think of you when its a beautiful day and we could have gone to the park, I think of you when I see grape koolaid, when I see a toy matchbox car, or even when I look at zander your best buddy, I even think of you when your dada comes home and I remember how you used to smile and celebrate your 'adada' comming home.
I still love you even though you are dead. I've learned love doesn't recognize death and doesn't go away. I would still give my own life to have you live, but that doesn't seem to be an option in real life like it is on pegan television shows or movies. I do hope that there is life after death though...and with that being said, if there is life after death I hope with all my heart that you are having a happy birthday today. I hope that you sport that huge Damian smile and that beautiful laughter. It was a gorgeous day today on your birthday, over 80 degrees and sunny. I wish we could have gone to the park and enjoyed the sun before having ice cream and cake. I would have tried to make this the best day possible for you.
I wish you happiness...wherever your spirit may be
Love always
Your mamum
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