Damian,
its 7:31am. Its cold and theres snow all over outside. This time, just two years ago, I was waking up with you. I got to wake up to the sound of your voices saying "mamum, nom nom nom" because you wanted your breakfast. Just two years ago, this was the last morning I got to wake up to that...in just hours, you would be in the hospital, you'd then be on your way to another hospital, your heart would stop, and they would revive you after 40 or so minutes and I'd spend until january 2nd wondering if you would ever wake up and you wouldn't. I don't have a worst day of my life, I have a 4 worst day of my life. It was the longest day...it was a 96 hour day. If you really want to get technical, it felt like the day didn't end until your brother was born. I really don't remember separating days that well. I just remember you had the accident and then blurrs of shock, horror, depression and other. Sometimes I still fall back into the 96 hours of hell and the time following.
Lately, since thanksgiving, my flashbacks are comming back again. Last night, I didn't have too bad of flashbacks. I saw you enjoying your bath for the last time, I saw you smiling and screaming in joy about splashing the water, I saw you eat lamb stir fry and get it everywhere, I saw you looking at me with those peircing beautiful blue eyes and that wonderful smile. I saw myself picking you up and giving you a kiss saying it was ni ni and putting you in your crib, turning out the light and closing the door. I saw myself open the door later to check on you before climbing into bed myself. If only I had known that was the last bath or the last night night time I would have tried to make the ritual last longer. I would have let you play a few more minutes in the bath, I wouldn't have wanted you to go to bed at your normal bed time, I would have slept by your crib all night and begged to be there forever.
This morning I'm flashing back to you cheerfully accepting the last strawberry pop tarts. About now, you were eating and smearing the tarts all over my carpet and the coffee table, you were laughing, grabbing blocks and building a tower, taking more bites of pop tart while I had some toast. We were watching the morning sprout routine and you would laugh and smile, stopping to watch that little chicken puppit (chika) whenever she would pop up on there. You would come over if I had farmville up on facebook and smile when I'd click on a mission and then try to force feed me some of your pop tart. Then you played with my hair. My hair was very long 2 years ago today. You always played with my hair. I miss it. Here in a couple hours, after you played with my hair, showed me your newly learned trick of being able to summer sault, and threw toys and tart around the house, my living hell would happen. It seems like just yesterday, and like so long ago all at once. 2 years ago, you were never away from me. Two years ago, you had never been to the hospital except to be born. Two years ago, I had never spent a night without you, fed you every single meal every day. Two years ago I knew I couldn't live without you and dreamed of who you would be years from now. Two years ago, I was planning on giving you the best second birthday. There was so much future for you, two years ago.
I'm still having difficulty knowing that I will go the rest of my life without seeing you again, knowing I'll never be able to take you to the park again, knowing that we will never build snowmen together or make snow angels. I still miss you just as much as I did two years ago. I still love you just as much as I did two years ago and I still mourn you just as badly.
In a few days, your brother gets to meet his other two cosins...I wish you could be there too. I want more than anything to show off both of my beautiful boys, how smart you would be, how much you and your bother look alike, how different you both are. I have difficulty knowing I will never have you near me again. I held you for 9 months of pregnancy and every day for 20 months and now you have been gone longer than I had you here with me though I will love you and miss you forever.
I think of you every day, every hour, every night before bed and every morning I wake up and I always will. I wish that something could bring you back to me, I would give myself in less than a heartbeat to have you live and be okay.
I guess the best thing I can really say right now as to how I feel is I wish two years ago, at this hour, on this day never ended...I'd be watching you play and smile and talk to me forever. Two years ago didn't last forever though, and this hour did pass, this day did end eventually. Nothing lasts forever, that is obvious everywhere we look. I just wish you could have lived your full life more than 20 months. Though, I have seen people be born after you and I have seen people pass away after you, live longer and shorter lives...I realize something will last forever. My love and missing of you will last forever for me, my whole life, beyond my last breath and into whatever afterworld there may be.
Still loving you and remembering you
Always
Your Mamum
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Letter to Damian 10-13-2012
Damian,
its been awhile since I wrote you last. I've been having a rough time coping with flashbacks of the accident. The last week I swear I've smelled grape koolaid, which was your favorite drink. I miss making you your grape koolaid.
I can't seem to accept the fairness of you being dead now longer than you were alive. Its not fair that you are dead period. Sometimes I feel like acting like a two year old, myself, and throwing a fit...a temper tantrum about it. Sometimes I wish I could be a bit more numb.
I feel guilty about wanting to feel numb, you deserve eternal mourning. You deserve to be here.
You would have been 3 1/2 this month. I often wonder how you would have grown by now. What would you say, do, like? Its not fair that everyone else's children are growing and aging and they get to see them.
I don't know if I can ever "accept" the fact that I'm still alive and you aren't. It will never be "okay" that you are dead, that you died at 20 months of age.
I wonder sometimes if you can see and hear me. If so, do you feel bad about me smiling and playing with your new brother? Do you feel left out? Do you blame me for the accident? Do you feel forgotten? Do you blame me for not being able to save you?
Sometimes I imagine what you would have felt. I try to, I guess, subconciously punish myself for turning my back long enough for you to grab the pan in the kitchen. I spend many sleepless n ights going through it in my head. The pain had to have been horrible.
Then, for the worst part, to punish myself further I imagine the fear you faced being 20 m onths old and going to the urgent care and the hospital. I feel like I betrayed you by taking you to the doctors where they messed up and you died.
I try to figure out what your last thoughts must have been. I'll never know the answers to any of these questions for certain. I think that bothers me the most in some ways. It also really messes me up to know that no matter what I do, I can't turn back time and make it all never happen. I can't bring you back...I can't fix this.
Damnit I miss you. I need you to come home. I need you to be here with me. I need to touch your face and hear you call me "mamum" again. I need to know that you don't blame me for not being able to protect you...
its been awhile since I wrote you last. I've been having a rough time coping with flashbacks of the accident. The last week I swear I've smelled grape koolaid, which was your favorite drink. I miss making you your grape koolaid.
I can't seem to accept the fairness of you being dead now longer than you were alive. Its not fair that you are dead period. Sometimes I feel like acting like a two year old, myself, and throwing a fit...a temper tantrum about it. Sometimes I wish I could be a bit more numb.
I feel guilty about wanting to feel numb, you deserve eternal mourning. You deserve to be here.
You would have been 3 1/2 this month. I often wonder how you would have grown by now. What would you say, do, like? Its not fair that everyone else's children are growing and aging and they get to see them.
I don't know if I can ever "accept" the fact that I'm still alive and you aren't. It will never be "okay" that you are dead, that you died at 20 months of age.
I wonder sometimes if you can see and hear me. If so, do you feel bad about me smiling and playing with your new brother? Do you feel left out? Do you blame me for the accident? Do you feel forgotten? Do you blame me for not being able to save you?
Sometimes I imagine what you would have felt. I try to, I guess, subconciously punish myself for turning my back long enough for you to grab the pan in the kitchen. I spend many sleepless n ights going through it in my head. The pain had to have been horrible.
Then, for the worst part, to punish myself further I imagine the fear you faced being 20 m onths old and going to the urgent care and the hospital. I feel like I betrayed you by taking you to the doctors where they messed up and you died.
I try to figure out what your last thoughts must have been. I'll never know the answers to any of these questions for certain. I think that bothers me the most in some ways. It also really messes me up to know that no matter what I do, I can't turn back time and make it all never happen. I can't bring you back...I can't fix this.
Damnit I miss you. I need you to come home. I need you to be here with me. I need to touch your face and hear you call me "mamum" again. I need to know that you don't blame me for not being able to protect you...
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Letter to Damian 7-17-2012
Damian,
its been awhile since I've written you. As you know, I haven't forgotten you..I still talk to you often in voice. Your baby brother was born June 30th at 9 lbs 8.9 oz. He was a big boy just like you.
I had forgotten almost what its like having a newborn in the house. Tonight is my first night alone with him and I'm scared. Last time I was alone with my baby boy, it was you and you had the accident. I can't lose another son and I'm half scared to death that just breathing near him almost will be bad for him. I know its silly of me but hopefully it will get better in time.
I was afraid at first that he would be like your twin and I would have a hard time because I would automatically expect him to be like you and it wouldn't be fair to him...but I found out quickly that he's nothing like you. I miss you but I don't want to set his expectations to what you were. I want your brother to live his own life and to enjoy being him, not trying to be someone else. That and nobody can replace you...ever. Its impossible.
I haven't been able to help but miss you all the more with your brother here. You should be here enjoying being a big brother and adjusting to the new baby here too. You should have met him June 30th before the rest of everyone and been happy to greet him and touch his hair. Its just not fair that you aren't here and you aren't comming back. I think it sets in more and more each day that you aren't comming back though I know you've been dead for 1 year and 7 months now. I was thinking about it the other day and you've almost been gone for the same amount of time I had you...its getting close. Your memory will last my whole life I know. I still love you my Damian and I still miss you and cry for you daily. I still need you in my life and its still not fair you can't be here with me. Just know nobody can replace you and there is still a huge missing you spot in our home and hearts.
Love always
your mamum
its been awhile since I've written you. As you know, I haven't forgotten you..I still talk to you often in voice. Your baby brother was born June 30th at 9 lbs 8.9 oz. He was a big boy just like you.
I had forgotten almost what its like having a newborn in the house. Tonight is my first night alone with him and I'm scared. Last time I was alone with my baby boy, it was you and you had the accident. I can't lose another son and I'm half scared to death that just breathing near him almost will be bad for him. I know its silly of me but hopefully it will get better in time.
I was afraid at first that he would be like your twin and I would have a hard time because I would automatically expect him to be like you and it wouldn't be fair to him...but I found out quickly that he's nothing like you. I miss you but I don't want to set his expectations to what you were. I want your brother to live his own life and to enjoy being him, not trying to be someone else. That and nobody can replace you...ever. Its impossible.
I haven't been able to help but miss you all the more with your brother here. You should be here enjoying being a big brother and adjusting to the new baby here too. You should have met him June 30th before the rest of everyone and been happy to greet him and touch his hair. Its just not fair that you aren't here and you aren't comming back. I think it sets in more and more each day that you aren't comming back though I know you've been dead for 1 year and 7 months now. I was thinking about it the other day and you've almost been gone for the same amount of time I had you...its getting close. Your memory will last my whole life I know. I still love you my Damian and I still miss you and cry for you daily. I still need you in my life and its still not fair you can't be here with me. Just know nobody can replace you and there is still a huge missing you spot in our home and hearts.
Love always
your mamum
Monday, April 30, 2012
Letter To Damian 4-30-2012
Damian,
I've been thinking about you quite a bit but, then again, I always do. Its been rough, I don't want to wake up from the dreams I've been having of you lately. For the longest time I was tortured by the dreams of that horrible day/days that I lost you but lately...lately I've been dreaming of you growing. I don't want to wake up from those dreams. I want to spend the time with you even if it is just in my mind. I dream of you meeting your brother in a couple months. I know you would have loved to have met him.
You would have made a wonderful big brother, he never would have had to have been scared of anything. He would have had such a strong big brother. I will be sure that he knows about who you were while you were here on earth, though I wish so much that you could still be here to meet him.
Another thing that has bothered me is that your mamum is scared. I'm scared that I won't be a good enough mom to your brother. I will try my best but I'm so scared that it won't be enough. I want to be the best mom in the world...I wanted to be the best mom with you too...
I still have a hard time cooking food but it looks like I just whip through it anymore. I'm so good at just working through the thoughts and flashbacks with it anymore. It hurts to cook sometimes. I can't help but imagine what you felt in those moments where you pulled the pan down, it makes me want to break down and fall on the floor infront of the stove and just sob there forever but that isn't an option for me anymore. It really hurts when people remind me of how much burns hurt...like I don't think about that every day of my life already.
I get overwhelmed when I think about the future without you too much so I just take one day at a time still. When I step back and think about the whole future without you in it it feels like too much and I can't take the pain and the horror of going on without you in my life. I don't know how I'm going to live the rest of my life without you still, I do know that I have to take one day at a time to get to the rest of my life though.
I have thought about my chances of something going wrong and dying during childbirth in a couple months and I have a couple different thoughts about that. One thought, is that I would be able to see you if there is life after death and that isn't a bad thought. I miss you so much. I want to see you again. I'm not saying I want to die but the thought that I might be able to see you again isn't the worst thought in the world. I also think that I wouldn't get to meet your brother and that thought isn't a good one. I have felt him growing for many months now and I want to see him, I want to be a good mother to him, I want to hold him and tell him all about his strong big brother, I want to watch him grow. Its hard to talk to people about it without worry that they will think I'm suicidal, which I'm not..I just miss you and wish there was a way to see you. I do have will to live and try to be a mother again but it is still painful and I still wish you were here.
Anyways, I still love you Damian...I still miss you and my heart aches to still have you near me.
Love always,
Your Mamum
I've been thinking about you quite a bit but, then again, I always do. Its been rough, I don't want to wake up from the dreams I've been having of you lately. For the longest time I was tortured by the dreams of that horrible day/days that I lost you but lately...lately I've been dreaming of you growing. I don't want to wake up from those dreams. I want to spend the time with you even if it is just in my mind. I dream of you meeting your brother in a couple months. I know you would have loved to have met him.
You would have made a wonderful big brother, he never would have had to have been scared of anything. He would have had such a strong big brother. I will be sure that he knows about who you were while you were here on earth, though I wish so much that you could still be here to meet him.
Another thing that has bothered me is that your mamum is scared. I'm scared that I won't be a good enough mom to your brother. I will try my best but I'm so scared that it won't be enough. I want to be the best mom in the world...I wanted to be the best mom with you too...
I still have a hard time cooking food but it looks like I just whip through it anymore. I'm so good at just working through the thoughts and flashbacks with it anymore. It hurts to cook sometimes. I can't help but imagine what you felt in those moments where you pulled the pan down, it makes me want to break down and fall on the floor infront of the stove and just sob there forever but that isn't an option for me anymore. It really hurts when people remind me of how much burns hurt...like I don't think about that every day of my life already.
I get overwhelmed when I think about the future without you too much so I just take one day at a time still. When I step back and think about the whole future without you in it it feels like too much and I can't take the pain and the horror of going on without you in my life. I don't know how I'm going to live the rest of my life without you still, I do know that I have to take one day at a time to get to the rest of my life though.
I have thought about my chances of something going wrong and dying during childbirth in a couple months and I have a couple different thoughts about that. One thought, is that I would be able to see you if there is life after death and that isn't a bad thought. I miss you so much. I want to see you again. I'm not saying I want to die but the thought that I might be able to see you again isn't the worst thought in the world. I also think that I wouldn't get to meet your brother and that thought isn't a good one. I have felt him growing for many months now and I want to see him, I want to be a good mother to him, I want to hold him and tell him all about his strong big brother, I want to watch him grow. Its hard to talk to people about it without worry that they will think I'm suicidal, which I'm not..I just miss you and wish there was a way to see you. I do have will to live and try to be a mother again but it is still painful and I still wish you were here.
Anyways, I still love you Damian...I still miss you and my heart aches to still have you near me.
Love always,
Your Mamum
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Letter To Damian 4-15-2012
Damian,
I didn't forget your birthday today, quite the opposite actualy. I wish I could have made you a cake, I did think of you when I ate m&ms today. I've spent most of the week leading up to your birthday crying. You should have been 3 years old today. I wonder what you would have looked like. Time keeps going on...it doesn't seem right that the days keep passing but you aren't here. I miss you. I can seem to put on an okay front when people are with me, I'm glad someone has been here with me most of the day because otherwise I think I might have had a breakdown. I'm not sure.
I was doing better for awhile but a couple weeks ago I ended up having quite the breakdown in the middle of walmart. It was kind of weird and out of nowhere. I was having a craving for cinnimon toast crunch cereal and in the checkout the back of the box faced me when I picked it up. I saw the little cannible cereal squares with their tongues hanging out on the back of the box and remembered the huge smile you used to get whenever they would be on a commercial. You would laugh so hard seeing those squares. I miss that. I miss you...
I cried right in the middle of the isle, then cried on the way out to the car, then cried in the car....then periodically for the past few weeks. Its not right without you, I'm not sure I'll ever get used to it..I'm not even sure I want to get used to it. I still think of you all the time. I think of you when I eat strawberries (which is often), bananas (or nanas as you called them), ice cream, I think of you when its a beautiful day and we could have gone to the park, I think of you when I see grape koolaid, when I see a toy matchbox car, or even when I look at zander your best buddy, I even think of you when your dada comes home and I remember how you used to smile and celebrate your 'adada' comming home.
I still love you even though you are dead. I've learned love doesn't recognize death and doesn't go away. I would still give my own life to have you live, but that doesn't seem to be an option in real life like it is on pegan television shows or movies. I do hope that there is life after death though...and with that being said, if there is life after death I hope with all my heart that you are having a happy birthday today. I hope that you sport that huge Damian smile and that beautiful laughter. It was a gorgeous day today on your birthday, over 80 degrees and sunny. I wish we could have gone to the park and enjoyed the sun before having ice cream and cake. I would have tried to make this the best day possible for you.
I wish you happiness...wherever your spirit may be
Love always
Your mamum
I didn't forget your birthday today, quite the opposite actualy. I wish I could have made you a cake, I did think of you when I ate m&ms today. I've spent most of the week leading up to your birthday crying. You should have been 3 years old today. I wonder what you would have looked like. Time keeps going on...it doesn't seem right that the days keep passing but you aren't here. I miss you. I can seem to put on an okay front when people are with me, I'm glad someone has been here with me most of the day because otherwise I think I might have had a breakdown. I'm not sure.
I was doing better for awhile but a couple weeks ago I ended up having quite the breakdown in the middle of walmart. It was kind of weird and out of nowhere. I was having a craving for cinnimon toast crunch cereal and in the checkout the back of the box faced me when I picked it up. I saw the little cannible cereal squares with their tongues hanging out on the back of the box and remembered the huge smile you used to get whenever they would be on a commercial. You would laugh so hard seeing those squares. I miss that. I miss you...
I cried right in the middle of the isle, then cried on the way out to the car, then cried in the car....then periodically for the past few weeks. Its not right without you, I'm not sure I'll ever get used to it..I'm not even sure I want to get used to it. I still think of you all the time. I think of you when I eat strawberries (which is often), bananas (or nanas as you called them), ice cream, I think of you when its a beautiful day and we could have gone to the park, I think of you when I see grape koolaid, when I see a toy matchbox car, or even when I look at zander your best buddy, I even think of you when your dada comes home and I remember how you used to smile and celebrate your 'adada' comming home.
I still love you even though you are dead. I've learned love doesn't recognize death and doesn't go away. I would still give my own life to have you live, but that doesn't seem to be an option in real life like it is on pegan television shows or movies. I do hope that there is life after death though...and with that being said, if there is life after death I hope with all my heart that you are having a happy birthday today. I hope that you sport that huge Damian smile and that beautiful laughter. It was a gorgeous day today on your birthday, over 80 degrees and sunny. I wish we could have gone to the park and enjoyed the sun before having ice cream and cake. I would have tried to make this the best day possible for you.
I wish you happiness...wherever your spirit may be
Love always
Your mamum
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Letter to Damian 2/22/2012
Damian,
I've been having a rough time again recently. I'm always trudging through a rough time without you but sometimes seem so much worse. I had my first experience with someone throwing what happend to you into my face to hurt me and it worked. I have been right back to the flashbacks of that horrible nightmare. I still miss you so much. I can't believe how cruel the world is sometimes. You were taken from me due to a hospital mistake which is cruel enough, now my sister is with some messed up guy that blames me for what happend to you. Its as if I didn't blame myself enough as it is...I have gone over and over in my mind about turning my back and gone over and over about getting myself ready at home when you went into cardiac arrest at the hospital. It doesn't matter if it was a tube accident with the hospital or not, I can come up with a million scenarios where it feels like I failed you during that whole thing. I'm sorry...I know with what my sister's boyfriend said it makes me wonder if I deserve your new sibling that I'm pregnant with. I never got the chance to tell you that you are going to have a little brother. I know you would have been so excited and keep trying to imagine you beautiful smile.
I had to get rid of your old crib and your old playpen. That hurt so bad...I don't like getting rid of the little things that are the only things I have left of you. The crib was really hard, I remember how much you loved your crib...it was your spot.
Anyways, I don't know if you blame me or not for that horrible accident but I'm so sorry that I couldn't save you. Mamums are supposed to be able to fix everything and I failed you in that.
I love you Damian
Love always and always missing you too
Your Mamum
I've been having a rough time again recently. I'm always trudging through a rough time without you but sometimes seem so much worse. I had my first experience with someone throwing what happend to you into my face to hurt me and it worked. I have been right back to the flashbacks of that horrible nightmare. I still miss you so much. I can't believe how cruel the world is sometimes. You were taken from me due to a hospital mistake which is cruel enough, now my sister is with some messed up guy that blames me for what happend to you. Its as if I didn't blame myself enough as it is...I have gone over and over in my mind about turning my back and gone over and over about getting myself ready at home when you went into cardiac arrest at the hospital. It doesn't matter if it was a tube accident with the hospital or not, I can come up with a million scenarios where it feels like I failed you during that whole thing. I'm sorry...I know with what my sister's boyfriend said it makes me wonder if I deserve your new sibling that I'm pregnant with. I never got the chance to tell you that you are going to have a little brother. I know you would have been so excited and keep trying to imagine you beautiful smile.
I had to get rid of your old crib and your old playpen. That hurt so bad...I don't like getting rid of the little things that are the only things I have left of you. The crib was really hard, I remember how much you loved your crib...it was your spot.
Anyways, I don't know if you blame me or not for that horrible accident but I'm so sorry that I couldn't save you. Mamums are supposed to be able to fix everything and I failed you in that.
I love you Damian
Love always and always missing you too
Your Mamum
Monday, January 2, 2012
Letter To Damian 1/2/2012
My Little Buggy,
Its been a year today since you were declaired dead. At this hour last year I still had hope that you might come back to me but two hours from now I'll have learned different and you were declaired brain dead. I've been holding off on writing over the holidays but I've been thinking about you and talking to you instead. I cry too much anymore when I write you and with your sibling on the way it makes me very sick to start crying so hard. I'll allow myself the letter to you today though.
I miss seeing your beautiful smile, hearing your squeals of joy and touching your face. I miss playing with your toes and tickling your feet and sides. I wonder what you'd be doing today and how much you would have grown. I miss you so much still, I don't seem to ever miss you less...I don't think I ever will.
I decided not to celebrate christmas this year without you. I couldn't bring myself to pull the tree out and put it up without you. I know you hate pizza bagel bites because you didn't really like packaged food much but that was what me and your dada had for christmas. I'm actually glad we didn't try to force christmas this year because it wouldn't have been a good thing. Maybe next year will bring christmas again but I won't know until then. I still think the holidays will feel like somethings missing because you are missing from them.
I had the most wonderful dream a couple weeks ago but it put me in an awful mood to wake up from it. I got to dream vividly that you were alive and just fine. I could touch you, I heard your beautiful laugh, I heard you say 'mamum' again. I watched you dance and play and be you. I dreamed of that all night and I didn't want to wake up from it...when I did I tried to sleep again, I was in a horrible mood that I couldn't dream of you again that day. I really wish I could dream such a wonderful dream again. Maybe someday I will...I can at least keep hoping.
I know that nothing will ever be the same without you, and I accept that but it doesn't mean I have to ever like it either and I won't ever like that. I can only hope that someday I will see you again when its my time to go...I do hope for our spirits to meet again, when its time and that is the only reason I'm not scared of 'my time' so much anymore. Until that time comes, I just keep wishing to dream of you again.
I love you Damian
love always
Your Mamum
Its been a year today since you were declaired dead. At this hour last year I still had hope that you might come back to me but two hours from now I'll have learned different and you were declaired brain dead. I've been holding off on writing over the holidays but I've been thinking about you and talking to you instead. I cry too much anymore when I write you and with your sibling on the way it makes me very sick to start crying so hard. I'll allow myself the letter to you today though.
I miss seeing your beautiful smile, hearing your squeals of joy and touching your face. I miss playing with your toes and tickling your feet and sides. I wonder what you'd be doing today and how much you would have grown. I miss you so much still, I don't seem to ever miss you less...I don't think I ever will.
I decided not to celebrate christmas this year without you. I couldn't bring myself to pull the tree out and put it up without you. I know you hate pizza bagel bites because you didn't really like packaged food much but that was what me and your dada had for christmas. I'm actually glad we didn't try to force christmas this year because it wouldn't have been a good thing. Maybe next year will bring christmas again but I won't know until then. I still think the holidays will feel like somethings missing because you are missing from them.
I had the most wonderful dream a couple weeks ago but it put me in an awful mood to wake up from it. I got to dream vividly that you were alive and just fine. I could touch you, I heard your beautiful laugh, I heard you say 'mamum' again. I watched you dance and play and be you. I dreamed of that all night and I didn't want to wake up from it...when I did I tried to sleep again, I was in a horrible mood that I couldn't dream of you again that day. I really wish I could dream such a wonderful dream again. Maybe someday I will...I can at least keep hoping.
I know that nothing will ever be the same without you, and I accept that but it doesn't mean I have to ever like it either and I won't ever like that. I can only hope that someday I will see you again when its my time to go...I do hope for our spirits to meet again, when its time and that is the only reason I'm not scared of 'my time' so much anymore. Until that time comes, I just keep wishing to dream of you again.
I love you Damian
love always
Your Mamum
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