Damian,
I went to see your Grandpa yesterday. You never did get to meet him but you would have loved him. I'm so sorry that the times we had shown up to try to see him he had been somewhere else...I should have tried more often and harder to get you to meet him. I could just imagine you playing matchbox cars with him and looking at all his old car books. I can only imagine you spending hours with him in the garage looking at cars.
I felt a bit better after seeing him and telling him about you. Dad had never been the comforting sort in the past but he seemed to know how to act and what to say and I realized how much I loved and missed him. I felt a bit more at peace on the hour and a half drive home. Your adada met him for the first time and really liked him so I know you would have loved him.
I woke up late today because I stayed up extra late last night. I was hit with the images of the accident as soon as I walked into this apartment. I tried to drown out the flashbacks of that day with images of you dancing and laughing, it wouldnt work so I got desperate and tried to remember all the wonderful things sent in e-mails to me about being a good mother and instead one email stood out where someone who sent me a 'tough love' email haunted me. She had kept trying to get me to get to counslers and medication and I kept telling her no. She wrote back what looked to be an angry message that I was having self pity and you went through so much pain that I needed to be strong and stop living in misery unless I liked it.
The part that really haunted me about it, since I will cope with things in my own way and not really think much if someone chooses to think I'm weak and living in self pity and liking misery, was that she said you were in more pain than I will ever know. I don't know if it is true or not but it messed with me and I collapsed in thought about it while crying. Were you in pain? I know burns hurt but whenever I have gotten a burn, even a bad one it hurts for a couple seconds and then goes numb unless you touch it. I know you couldn't have hurt after they put you on morphine and the seditive especially because you went to sleep for the tube. Part of me wishes I could face the same thing you did just to be sure that you wern't in too much pain and if you were to punish myself more for turning my back those couple seconds. The other part of me just wants to believe since you were acting normal aside from a couple whimpers now and then every couple minutes that you were just a little 'owie'. Unfortunatly I can't ask you but maybe someday I'll have the answer.
I love you my little buggy...I hope the lady was wrong about the amount of pain you had
-Mamum
i was thinking last night when i read the blog for the first time i wondered how much negativity youd get or recieve from ppl or someone trying to make you feel better and they just ended up saying the wrong thig. Alot of the blogs i follow are about "sick" babies, babies with tumors or born premature but i do believe your story touches me more i guess for the simple fact that you've blamed yourself. the other blogs with "sick" babies that was god the mommys and daddys didnt put the sickness in there babies they didnt give there baby a tumor...but you feel like if you wouldnt have been away from him for a second or a minute that it wouldnt of happened..but would it? god decides when its our time to go and for some reason he thought it was time for your beautiful little boy to go if it was his time to go then he had to go. find the strength in god to move forward its hard now im sure its going to be hard 2-3 months from now but you can do it through the spirit and soul of your beautiful son. when you fall im sure your little buggy will be there to lift you up and cry sometimes it makes you feel better to cry...i know it does me so just cry i've cried reading all these posts on your blog. just cry your little heart out and know that he loves you so much you will forever be his mamum
ReplyDeleteOh Ang.......I am glad that writing is giving you some kind of release. Keep doing whatever you have to do, to keep your sanity. You have to ignore morons, who would even dare to tell you how to feel, let alone how Damian felt. Some people have no class. I love you!!!!
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