Damian,
its been over half a month since we've had our normal morning routine. It hurts so badly that I normaly won't go into your room anymore. Its quiet in here and I have never heard this silence before the accident. I want to go to your crib and pick you up but I know there is no weight and no squeels of joy in there. I have lost most recolection of time, it all blurs together now. I know another day has passed but only because my computer tells me so and your dog pokes me with his nose trying to get me to let him go ouside and theres daylight out there. I sometimes wish I could sleep a bit longer like your father but I usualy end up waking up awhile before him now. I envy him now, he seems to have dreams of your life but when I normaly sleep I end up being haunted by the day of the accident. It still seems so unreal that the doctors at the first two places told me you would be fine and promised me that it wasn't bad and you were going to be alright. Why couldn't they have been right? What I wouldn't give to be watching you throw toys around my living room right now, dancing, and enjoying your snacks. I can't even bare to keep the tv on that you used to watch your cartoons on. I'm not sure what to do with myself at all anymore. I hurt in more ways then I thought a person ever could and these walls in my apartment seem to suck the life out of me. It kills a little piece of me inside every time I have to walk by the stove which is anytime I enter or exit the house, any time I have to use the restroom, and anytime I let the dog out, grab something from the kitchen, or do laundry. I think it might be healthier to move out of this place when I can. I love the memories of you but it gets hard to function when the memories of that day and the following days are kind of thrown at me. I know if I do leave the apartment for good I'll have to drag myself kicking and screaming because this apartment has your handprints all over it and was where you lived too. Its a major catch when desiding if I should stay or go. Damian, I miss you so much that I have never missed anything this much. I remember telling you most days before you'd go to sleep that you were my whole world and everything in it and it feels true. I'm not quite sure how I made it the first several days without you but I know I'm only making it by a thread. Your adada needs me so he can be okay and your puppy needs to be taken care of and so does your kitten. You always saw me as the mamum that would fix everything and I'm so sorry I couldn't fix the accident. I did everything I could think of to help you and it wasn't enough. I'm trying to be the strong mamum that you seemed to think I was and I'm trying to make it because your adada needs me and I don't want to disappoint you. Please somehow help me answer where to go from here and why.
love you little buggy
Mamum
Your little angel was a beautiful boy. You seem to have so much love to give. There are so many children that will never know that kind of love. Maybe some day you could share that love and compassion with other children either in or out of a hospital or a home that either does not have anyone to visit them. I have children of my own that are teenagers and finding their own lives that do not need me every day. They are too my reason for being. I know my situation is no where near the same as yours but I am looking into finding someone to share my time and love with. I cannot think of a better way to spend it except in the life of a child.
ReplyDeletePlease find a way to forgive yourself. It was a tragic accident and I hate that you had to endure it alone. I hope one day soon you will be able to sit in that playroom and with joy in your heart have wonderful memories of Damian's laughter and peace knowing that no-one can take that away from you ever!! That precious childs beautiful face and voice will be in your heart forever. I can tell he loved you just as much as you love him just from your story. Prayers are still being said for you. God bless your heart!
*Tears* Im so sorry it breaks my heart that your going through this. It wasnt your fault and you need to hold your held high he had a mamum who loved him so so much that words cant even describe. Cherish the moments and memories that he made in your heart. He wants you to be strong. Im sure this is the hardest thing you've ever had to go through and your probably asking why and your probably thinking alot of "what ifs" but some things "ONLY GOD KNOWS WHY" please don't beat yourself up over anything. God calls the best home among all the rest. Try and be strong for him as wants you to. Im so so sorry.
ReplyDeleteI've been to sleep once and it didnt work out for me so i found myself on this computer and back at this blog..i read my last post and realized i was choked up and upset for you that i left out words...but im sure you knew what i meant. your story is sticking with me it hasnt left my mind since i read it i cry just trying to imagine what your going through. i have a daughter who is 4 and a son who is 7 months and looking at this sweet little boy and reading this horrible accident i held my kids so so so tight when putting them to bed makes me apprecaite what i have even more. im just so sorry i cant say it enough. PLEASE STAY STRONG.
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