The day my life changed

  December 30th 2010 was the worst day of my life.  I thought I had experienced life before and all of its cruelties but I had been wrong.  It started like every other day with Damian waking me up with cheerful laughs and squeels about his adada and wanting nom noms (his breakfast).  He never woke up grumpy on his own.  He would simply play with his stuffed possum while jumping about in his crib talking away about dada, mamum, and food. 
  I woke up just like normal, chuckling about my 'lil bug' and got him out of his crib to unleash the destruction of my living room.  He tossed about his toys, smeared his poptart everywhere (just like always) and screamed in joy about his cartoons and we danced the Damian dance infront of the t.v. which included stomping stratigically loudly on the floor in circles and running all over the place. 
  Lunch time came about and I was going to make him his rice that he loved.  I have always been super paranoid about not having a dishwasher and would let the water come to a boil over about 10 minutes while sitting and resting (due to being exhausted from playing with Damian) and then I would start his actual lunch.  I had done this routine every day for many many months and didn't think anything of it.  I was expecting company later in the day so instead of sitting and resting, I put the saucepan of water on the stove (just like always) and went into the living room to straighten up a bit of Damian's playtime mess.  He normaly ran loudly while squeeling between the kitchen and livingroom with his footsie pajamas worn like a cape.  I can't remember what I was tidying up in the living room when this noise wasn't even heard but more felt.  I stood stright up instantly forgetting what I was doing and rushed to the kitchen where the noise was comming from and my eyes darted to the steaming saucepan on the floor, water pooling on the floor infront of the left front of the stove and refrigerator.  Damian was making the noise and without thinking in a split second I put the saucepan on the sink and rushed Damian to the bathroom to put cold water on him.  I didn't think the water in the bathroom was cold enough so I moved the pan aside and sprayed him with cooler water in the kitchen sink over the slightly pink areas of his skin, he was now just crying as if he had something of a small discomfort.  I took him back to the bathroom tub and finished pouring a bit more cool water on him while checking him over better before drying him softly with a towel and standing him on the floor.  He ran over to the counter and grabbed a cookie I had left on the counter for him to grab.  I didn't know what to do aside from cool down the burns he got from pulling the small pan of water on himself so I put a diaper on him while noting if the burns were bad or not.  His shoulders were pink, as well as his neck...his eyes were a bit bloodshot from crying (he was now just softly whimpering and saying 'mamum') and his face looked completely fine.  I comforted him shortly and put him, dressed in his crib (he considered that his comfort area) while I called his doctor to ask what to do.  I was more scared than I ever had been in my life and needed to know how to handle it.  His doctor said it didn't sound bad but to ease my worries I should take him to the urgent care a couple blocks away, which I did immediatly.  When I got there they got him right back.  A couple small blisters had formed on his cheeks by the time I arrived and he was whimpering about wanting to be back in his crib on the way to the urgent care and saying 'mamum'. 
  The urgent care took me and Damian directly in back and they said he seemed to be fine but wanted to get him fluids and pain medicine which they could do better at the hospital a couple miles down the road.  They couldn't get an iv started at the urgent care due to his being 20 months old and they have small veins.  They called the ems and I handed Damian to the guys in the squad.  Little did I know that would be the last time I had held him alive.  He kept reaching for me calling 'mamum' and I followed the amublance to the hospital.  I swear I got every redlight in town.  I was still frazzled but the urgent care said and promised he would be okay. 
  Finaly at the hospital, I get to the room they have Damian in and he was doped up because they apparently gave him morphine in the ambulance.  He immediatly reached for me, trying to get up in spite of the morphine saying 'mamum' and they scooted me closer to him so he would stay seated.  His face had started to swell and I was crying and feeling guilty for him getting ahold of the pan.  I was scared of my baby being taken away from me in any way.  The doctors reassured me it looked worse than it was and he would be just fine.  They desided to tube him preventitively since his face had a bit of swelling so I said 'night night' and told him I loved him and that it was time to take his nappy and they escorted me out of the room while they put the tube in.  Little did I know that would be the last time he would hear me.  They desided to lifelight him to a hospital that dealt with children as well as burns just to be safe and I petted his hair before they wheeled him to the helicopter.  They told me to go home and calm down enough to drive the 40minutes to and hour to the other hospital, Damian would be just fine and the doctor herself promised me it wasn't serious. 
  I went home and cried to Carl on the phone about my fears for Damian.  The recieving hospital called and told me he had landed and was stable and fine and to gather my stuff and head down when I felt safe to drive.  He would be alright though.  I got into the car and began heading to the hospital...before I got more than a half mile from my house the hospital called and said I needed to get there quick but wouldn't tell me why, just that Damian wasn't very stable.  They told me to turn around since I wasn't far from my home and they would have a police officer take me to the hospital instead to get me there quicker.  I waited at my home for an hour before the policeman showed and was upset and frantic that it took so long when my baby needed me.  I kept thinking I could have been there by the time they showed.  I allowed them to take pictures 'for my protection' and it took 5 more minutes before they had me on my way to see my Damian. 
  Half way there I get a call that said Damian's heart had stopped 4 times, 45 minutes once and they wouldn't even tell me if he was alive.  All they would tell me is that his heart had been beating for about 10 minutes.  When I arrived at the hospital, they took me to my baby who had now had an air tube through his neck and ivs everywhere and was still unconcious from the seditive.  The policeman left and never came back.
  Damian's adada arrived at 1am from pensylvania and Damian's heart hadn't stopped again and they had already been able to put him from the emergency room to the PICU.  The doctor told me that he had a 5% chance to make it through that night so I prayed for the best because his chances were supposed to go upward after 24 hours. 
  On January 2nd 2011 they did tests on Damian for brain activity and he was declaired braindead.  The only thing keeping his body warm and breathing and everything was chemicals and machines.  Braindeath is not like a coma where they can eventualy wake up, it is death.  My world ended in those long days. 
  When I've told people of Damian's death they ask me the same questions I have;  How did 1st and 2nd degree burns cause him to die.  Maybe someday I'll have the answer since I am having trouble grasping the concept myself.  Some have told me it was possibly because the tube was too small which can cause lung and heart failure.  Some say he might have inhaled the water but if that were the case wouldn't his lungs have still been completely white and non functioning on the x-ray the next day?  Some think maybe it was shock?  Some think maybe it was fate.  The only thing I know for certain is my world ended when I lost my baby and I will never be the same.  I always loved him and still do and I'm still trying to figure out where to go from here when my world revolved around my little Damian.