Damian,
its 7:31am. Its cold and theres snow all over outside. This time, just two years ago, I was waking up with you. I got to wake up to the sound of your voices saying "mamum, nom nom nom" because you wanted your breakfast. Just two years ago, this was the last morning I got to wake up to that...in just hours, you would be in the hospital, you'd then be on your way to another hospital, your heart would stop, and they would revive you after 40 or so minutes and I'd spend until january 2nd wondering if you would ever wake up and you wouldn't. I don't have a worst day of my life, I have a 4 worst day of my life. It was the longest day...it was a 96 hour day. If you really want to get technical, it felt like the day didn't end until your brother was born. I really don't remember separating days that well. I just remember you had the accident and then blurrs of shock, horror, depression and other. Sometimes I still fall back into the 96 hours of hell and the time following.
Lately, since thanksgiving, my flashbacks are comming back again. Last night, I didn't have too bad of flashbacks. I saw you enjoying your bath for the last time, I saw you smiling and screaming in joy about splashing the water, I saw you eat lamb stir fry and get it everywhere, I saw you looking at me with those peircing beautiful blue eyes and that wonderful smile. I saw myself picking you up and giving you a kiss saying it was ni ni and putting you in your crib, turning out the light and closing the door. I saw myself open the door later to check on you before climbing into bed myself. If only I had known that was the last bath or the last night night time I would have tried to make the ritual last longer. I would have let you play a few more minutes in the bath, I wouldn't have wanted you to go to bed at your normal bed time, I would have slept by your crib all night and begged to be there forever.
This morning I'm flashing back to you cheerfully accepting the last strawberry pop tarts. About now, you were eating and smearing the tarts all over my carpet and the coffee table, you were laughing, grabbing blocks and building a tower, taking more bites of pop tart while I had some toast. We were watching the morning sprout routine and you would laugh and smile, stopping to watch that little chicken puppit (chika) whenever she would pop up on there. You would come over if I had farmville up on facebook and smile when I'd click on a mission and then try to force feed me some of your pop tart. Then you played with my hair. My hair was very long 2 years ago today. You always played with my hair. I miss it. Here in a couple hours, after you played with my hair, showed me your newly learned trick of being able to summer sault, and threw toys and tart around the house, my living hell would happen. It seems like just yesterday, and like so long ago all at once. 2 years ago, you were never away from me. Two years ago, you had never been to the hospital except to be born. Two years ago, I had never spent a night without you, fed you every single meal every day. Two years ago I knew I couldn't live without you and dreamed of who you would be years from now. Two years ago, I was planning on giving you the best second birthday. There was so much future for you, two years ago.
I'm still having difficulty knowing that I will go the rest of my life without seeing you again, knowing I'll never be able to take you to the park again, knowing that we will never build snowmen together or make snow angels. I still miss you just as much as I did two years ago. I still love you just as much as I did two years ago and I still mourn you just as badly.
In a few days, your brother gets to meet his other two cosins...I wish you could be there too. I want more than anything to show off both of my beautiful boys, how smart you would be, how much you and your bother look alike, how different you both are. I have difficulty knowing I will never have you near me again. I held you for 9 months of pregnancy and every day for 20 months and now you have been gone longer than I had you here with me though I will love you and miss you forever.
I think of you every day, every hour, every night before bed and every morning I wake up and I always will. I wish that something could bring you back to me, I would give myself in less than a heartbeat to have you live and be okay.
I guess the best thing I can really say right now as to how I feel is I wish two years ago, at this hour, on this day never ended...I'd be watching you play and smile and talk to me forever. Two years ago didn't last forever though, and this hour did pass, this day did end eventually. Nothing lasts forever, that is obvious everywhere we look. I just wish you could have lived your full life more than 20 months. Though, I have seen people be born after you and I have seen people pass away after you, live longer and shorter lives...I realize something will last forever. My love and missing of you will last forever for me, my whole life, beyond my last breath and into whatever afterworld there may be.
Still loving you and remembering you
Always
Your Mamum
