Damian,
I've been having a rough time again recently. I'm always trudging through a rough time without you but sometimes seem so much worse. I had my first experience with someone throwing what happend to you into my face to hurt me and it worked. I have been right back to the flashbacks of that horrible nightmare. I still miss you so much. I can't believe how cruel the world is sometimes. You were taken from me due to a hospital mistake which is cruel enough, now my sister is with some messed up guy that blames me for what happend to you. Its as if I didn't blame myself enough as it is...I have gone over and over in my mind about turning my back and gone over and over about getting myself ready at home when you went into cardiac arrest at the hospital. It doesn't matter if it was a tube accident with the hospital or not, I can come up with a million scenarios where it feels like I failed you during that whole thing. I'm sorry...I know with what my sister's boyfriend said it makes me wonder if I deserve your new sibling that I'm pregnant with. I never got the chance to tell you that you are going to have a little brother. I know you would have been so excited and keep trying to imagine you beautiful smile.
I had to get rid of your old crib and your old playpen. That hurt so bad...I don't like getting rid of the little things that are the only things I have left of you. The crib was really hard, I remember how much you loved your crib...it was your spot.
Anyways, I don't know if you blame me or not for that horrible accident but I'm so sorry that I couldn't save you. Mamums are supposed to be able to fix everything and I failed you in that.
I love you Damian
Love always and always missing you too
Your Mamum
