My Little Buggy,
Its been a year today since you were declaired dead. At this hour last year I still had hope that you might come back to me but two hours from now I'll have learned different and you were declaired brain dead. I've been holding off on writing over the holidays but I've been thinking about you and talking to you instead. I cry too much anymore when I write you and with your sibling on the way it makes me very sick to start crying so hard. I'll allow myself the letter to you today though.
I miss seeing your beautiful smile, hearing your squeals of joy and touching your face. I miss playing with your toes and tickling your feet and sides. I wonder what you'd be doing today and how much you would have grown. I miss you so much still, I don't seem to ever miss you less...I don't think I ever will.
I decided not to celebrate christmas this year without you. I couldn't bring myself to pull the tree out and put it up without you. I know you hate pizza bagel bites because you didn't really like packaged food much but that was what me and your dada had for christmas. I'm actually glad we didn't try to force christmas this year because it wouldn't have been a good thing. Maybe next year will bring christmas again but I won't know until then. I still think the holidays will feel like somethings missing because you are missing from them.
I had the most wonderful dream a couple weeks ago but it put me in an awful mood to wake up from it. I got to dream vividly that you were alive and just fine. I could touch you, I heard your beautiful laugh, I heard you say 'mamum' again. I watched you dance and play and be you. I dreamed of that all night and I didn't want to wake up from it...when I did I tried to sleep again, I was in a horrible mood that I couldn't dream of you again that day. I really wish I could dream such a wonderful dream again. Maybe someday I will...I can at least keep hoping.
I know that nothing will ever be the same without you, and I accept that but it doesn't mean I have to ever like it either and I won't ever like that. I can only hope that someday I will see you again when its my time to go...I do hope for our spirits to meet again, when its time and that is the only reason I'm not scared of 'my time' so much anymore. Until that time comes, I just keep wishing to dream of you again.
I love you Damian
love always
Your Mamum
