Hey there baby boo,
I wanted to let you know I miss you so much. About 2 days ago I had a breakdown of some sort. I missed you so much, I always miss you but it hit me really hard on the 2nd. Another month gone by without you in it I suppose.
I saw a baby on that day as well, he resembled you when you were a littler baby. He was in the stage where he was grabbing anything and everything to chew on. I remember when you were teething. You were alway so good. You chewed on things but you never screamed like I've seen most babies do. I'd give anything to turn back time even to see you teething again...to see you period.
I keep looking at your pictures. Why can't I just wake up and this be some horrible nightmare that you aren't here? Why can't I just be in some sort of fake hell? I just want to know you are still alive but I know you aren't. I remember always having to check on you before I went to sleep to make sure you were still breathing just because you were so unreal. You were the best thing in the world to me. Now, I can barely go into your room at all. Your crib is still set up in there just the way you left it but without your pillow and blanket or toys. In place of those is your organ donor certificate. Your room still smells like you, it still feels like you, but there is no you. I don't go in there to check on you anymore because I know you aren't there. I know you aren't still breathing. I know you aren't okay.
Sometimes I'll catch myself laying awake in bed and waiting to hear you wake up for your nightly squeal of joy and rocking your crib. You did that most nights right after I checked on you. You would play a few moments squealing for joy and then go back to sleep sucking your thumb. You never screamed. I don't hear the squeal of joy and you playing with your stuffed possum in there.
Often when I close my eyes I have to try to make sure my mind is clear. I try to drown out the memories of the scream from the accident with your squeals of joy, otherwise I break down. Sometimes I break down anyways but I can stop it most times now. I try to ignore the loop my mind goes into of that horrible day. I have been taking up walking and running and jogging so that I'm too worn out to pace the house because you aren't here dancing and laughing and squealing. I have been studying math until I can't think anymore to try to tire my brain from dwelling and circling and most days it does the trick but sometimes it doesn't.
I have contacted people to investigate why you didn't come home. The burns you had should not have resulted like this. You should be home and I should be watching you grow and play and dance. I should be watching you smile at your favorite commercials and Icarly and TUFF puppy and Wonder pets. The people I contacted said that they do wish to investigate which means I may be right. The accident at home may not have been the only accident you suffered. They think the hospital may be at fault. Part of me wants to believe that may be the case because in all honesty, it doesn't make sense. Part of me just wants it to all go away and to go back to my jogging and running and walking and mathematics and just say enough is enough. I'm letting them investigate the hospital though. Maybe an answer will help me cope? Maybe it will make things harder with coping? I'm not sure but at least this way I may have the answers. Maybe. Regardless, one thing stays the same and thats the fact that you aren't comming back. Some people have said I just need to accept it and thats the problem, I have accepted it I just can't ever be satisfied with it. I can't ever be content with it. It makes me angry, it makes me sad, it upsets me, it depresses me. I look around and see everyone else holding their babies, taking care of their children but I can't. I have a crib that smells like you but no you. I have your favorite toys but no you to play with them. I have the memories of you but no future to discover about you. Its not fair, then again, I have discovered over and over again in this that life is never fair.
I love you, Damian...even though you no longer breath it will never close the spot in my heart for you. You were everything I had wanted in life. I wanted a baby boy and you were him. I wanted to be a mom and you gave me that for a short while. I will always miss you. I will always wish I had you longer in my life and I will always wonder just who you would have been and what you would have looked like years from now. I wonder how much you would have changed in the last 6 months...what you would be able to say and do now.
If there is life after death, I hope you realize how much I love and miss you and how much I always will.
I love you Buggy
-Your Mamum
