Damian,
I had a horrible nightmare that lasted all night last night. It was about you. I kept trying to wake up from it but I would close my eyes and the nightmare would continue. What actualy happend to you was nightmarish enough but this was just horrible.
I was at the hospital waiting for them to tell me what was going on with you. You were still alive. I wanted to hold you and sing to you and be there for you. They kept telling me you were dead. I was in the elevator and all the sudden they brought out this bag and you were in it, crying. You were reaching and wanting your Mamum. I took the bag away and took you out and held you. I felt your weight in my arms so vividly. I smelled you, I sang to you. They kept telling me it didn't matter that you were dying fast but I held you and sang to you anyway. I didn't let you go.
All night long I held you. Your face was red and you felt hot. They said multiple infections had taken over your body but I held you anyways. I wasn't going to let you feel alone like that. Whenever I held you and sang to you the crying eased and you just kept saying "mamum".
You suffered...all night. It tore me up inside. You suffered so long in my dream and when I finaly let go you did too. You died in the end. I saw you take your last breath.
I was finally able to wake up from this nightmare at about 7am today. I hope I never have one that bad again. While it was wonderful to feel you, smell you, hold you and hear you again...I wouldn't ever want you to suffer like that. Losing you could have been so much worse...that could have been real.
You were asleep when you coded, you never woke up. I don't know if anything is better or worse when it all comes down to losing you but I am relieved that you didn't suffer like you did in my nightmare. The nightmare still haunts me, losing you still haunts me and its going to be one of those days that I don't know how I'm going to make it through but you didn't suffer like that...it was a nightmare that showed you suffering. The pain I'm left with is still that I woke up from the horrible nightmare and you're still gone...
I love and miss you Damian...
always will
your Mamum
