My lil Cheekies,
I am sorry I haven't typed to you on here recently. I have been talking to you instead. Usualy when I'm out and about when nobody else is around or whoever is around is sleeping. I desided today would be a good day to write you though since I've been struggling more and more to be okay with this new life I've been left with...maybe it will help.
Everybody keeps saying things are supposed to get better with time but they really don't seem to be doing so...therefore, I do not believe that they actualy will get better. I have noticed that people seem to think I'm doing better since I still smile and I have laughed as of late. I used to do such anyway and it made me feel worse but it hasn't so much made me feel worse as its a way of looking normal to the world outside and I'm getting used to it and it comes naturaly.
Maybe some people do get better. I feel..empty, just very empty. I feel like I died with you but still breath and I honestly believe that I did die. I'm still breathing, my heart is still beating but the mamum you knew just isn't really me. I have learned how normal people act that breath and that remain warm and alive and remembered how I was when you were alive and with me. I guess a good way of putting it is myself has just vanished to where ever you are and its not comming back. Ever. Maybe I'll get used to this new me, I can only hope because in all honesty I dont like it very much. If I get used to it maybe I'll be okay with it.
I have been able to go a few days here and there without having my daily breakdown of tears and sobs and shaking though they still come about. I don't know if tonight is going to be one of those nights or not.
I don't really sleep anymore, if I do its either really short or really long. I seem to have a pattern of one really long sleep a week. I miss you, buggy. As of the past couple days the longing to hold you has been extremely painful. The longing to hear you say 'mamum' has somewhat broken me and I can't seem to stop bringing up times where I heard you talk just so I can hear a whisper of your voice in memory and try so hard to remember your weight in my arms and your hands in my hair.
I like to believe that someday I will actualy see and feel you again, when I go to wherever you went to. I used to believe that long lives happend to most people but since losing you I don't know how long anyone or anything has including me. I hope if I have awhile that I will somehow find happy and fulfilling things to tell you about if I ever see you again...it really bothers me that you didn't get to learn all there is and see so much and do so much and maybe I'll be able to tell you about things you would have loved.
We got the coroner's report back not too long ago and it looks like everything would have been fine with you. I am upset that it looks to me like taking you to the hospital which should have been the right thing ended up being what hurt you. If I would have tended to you at home you would have been taken away from me but by taking you to the hospital you were taken away from me too. I was trying to do what was right but what is right in a situation like that? I'm so confused about so much, maybe when I talk to you tonight when I close my eyes you will answer.
I will always love you Damian
-Your Mamum
