Hey Buggy
I'm sorry that I haven't written you in a couple days, I needed a bit of distance from the computer. I've missed writting you but I have things to tell you about. I tried getting that puppy I was telling you about the day before the accident. The puppy you saw and smiled at in the picture didn't work out. He didn't appreciate Zander, Tonks or your Dada. I didn't want your family to be hurt so I took him back and your puppy and kitty and Dada are safe. I did get a different puppy that you would love. I drove a 5 hour round trip to get him and thought of the smile you would have on your face seeing this puppy. We named him Dobby. You remember Dobby don't you? From Harry Potter. He has been keeping Mamum busy and its helped to break the silence and lack of chaos about the house. It also gives me mess to clean up.
I was able to make breakfast today. Little by little I'm begining to cook again though its still very difficult. I even washed your table today...that was really difficult but your handprints are still on the couch and on the covered window. All in time but those are for another day. Your Dada and I took the carseat out of the car the other day just in case so it wouldn't get ruined by the luck I seem to have and it is now safely in your room. That was really difficult and your puppy (Zander) was really upset about it. I think he was hoping you would come back. Sometimes he seems to understand and sometimes he doesn't, not completely unlike everyone else. Your Zander mourns you quite a bit some days but he is at least eating now. He will be okay so I don't want you to worry about him.
I burned my hand lightly under some hot water by accident last night. It brought back the wonder about how much pain you were in which really tore me up inside. I know you aren't in pain anymore but whatever powers that be know it hurt me to know you hurt at all. I just hope that it didn't hurt too bad, I just hope your brain told it not to hurt. I also got a letter from the health department telling me I missed your shot you were do for this month. It would have been the last shot you needed for awhile and it stirred up some rather uncomfortable emotions. I'm supposed to be watching you grow...not learning how to cope with life without you. I guess I don't have a choice in that though and I need to continue to take care of your family in honor of you.
I love and miss you so much my little buggy...always will
Your Mamum
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Letter to Damian 1/22/2011
Damian,
I was realising today how much you have inspired other parents to cherish every moment with their kids. You are truely amazing even after you are gone. I plan on writing lifeconnections of ohio today since I got ahold of them a couple days ago. Did you know you saved two lives? Your liver went to a 2 year old little girl who might not have made it if she hadn't gotten your donation (they dont have machines and chemicals to take over the liver function) and your kidneys went to a 54 year old woman. I hope to meet both people someday. You truely are a little superhero.
I have been getting a lot of people wanting the hospital names of where you had been treated so they can donate in your name to the hospitals. I know it shouldn't trouble me but it does. We have reason to believe you would be home today eating lunch right now if the tube they put in you under seditive hadn't been at least 2 sizes too small. Your actual injuries were only 1st and 2nd degree and we are waiting on results and doing some digging to find out why you aren't merrily chattering about your lunch right now. The neurologist that declaired you dead had said his belief was that it was the tubing that did it for you as you were breathing and responding just fine when they had desided to preumptively put the tube in just to be safe. I'm not going to say one way or the other until I know for sure but we have reason to believe it was possible for you to be home already.
trying to find answers while loving and missing you always
Your Mamum
[Since I have gotten a lot of requests for what hospitals to make donations to please know I do not wish any donations to go to the hospitals. Thank you for your thoughtfulness but under these circumstances I would rather not have a donation in his name to the hospitals. If you must make a donation in Damian's name to somewhere try lifeconnections of ohio for organ donation, after all they saved someone's two year old little girl. You may also try donating to an animal shelter since Damian loved his puppy that I rescued off of craigslist who was a year old lab when I got him. Another good cause in Damian's name would be kitchen safety awareness for children as if there were more awareness of the dangers of a kitchen he may not have gotten hurt in one. Thank you everyone for your thoughtfulness. -Angela]
I was realising today how much you have inspired other parents to cherish every moment with their kids. You are truely amazing even after you are gone. I plan on writing lifeconnections of ohio today since I got ahold of them a couple days ago. Did you know you saved two lives? Your liver went to a 2 year old little girl who might not have made it if she hadn't gotten your donation (they dont have machines and chemicals to take over the liver function) and your kidneys went to a 54 year old woman. I hope to meet both people someday. You truely are a little superhero.
I have been getting a lot of people wanting the hospital names of where you had been treated so they can donate in your name to the hospitals. I know it shouldn't trouble me but it does. We have reason to believe you would be home today eating lunch right now if the tube they put in you under seditive hadn't been at least 2 sizes too small. Your actual injuries were only 1st and 2nd degree and we are waiting on results and doing some digging to find out why you aren't merrily chattering about your lunch right now. The neurologist that declaired you dead had said his belief was that it was the tubing that did it for you as you were breathing and responding just fine when they had desided to preumptively put the tube in just to be safe. I'm not going to say one way or the other until I know for sure but we have reason to believe it was possible for you to be home already.
trying to find answers while loving and missing you always
Your Mamum
[Since I have gotten a lot of requests for what hospitals to make donations to please know I do not wish any donations to go to the hospitals. Thank you for your thoughtfulness but under these circumstances I would rather not have a donation in his name to the hospitals. If you must make a donation in Damian's name to somewhere try lifeconnections of ohio for organ donation, after all they saved someone's two year old little girl. You may also try donating to an animal shelter since Damian loved his puppy that I rescued off of craigslist who was a year old lab when I got him. Another good cause in Damian's name would be kitchen safety awareness for children as if there were more awareness of the dangers of a kitchen he may not have gotten hurt in one. Thank you everyone for your thoughtfulness. -Angela]
Friday, January 21, 2011
Letter to Damian 1-21-2011
Damian
I'm sorry I didn't write you this morning as I normaly do. Gods my head has been so foggybrained. I rearranged the livingroom last night a bit so it looked different in a couple ways. It hurt a lot but at least it doesn't continualy hurt now. I went to walmart and got a couple picture frames too. I want to make it look a bit more like home by hanging a few pictures of you around the house.
Another good thing that I did was I got my phone to turn back on somehow and I got the couple of pictures on that phone that I cherished of you. I hadn't been able to get my phone to turn on since the day they declaired you brain dead.
I went into your room last night and sat there talking to you. I don't know if you could hear me or not but I was saying it was hard on me because I still have most of your favorite toys, your crib which was your most favorite toy, and some of my favorite cloths to put on you as well as your blankets and still no you. I'd do anything in the world to be able to check on you in your crib in the middle of the night as I did every night and make sure you are okay. What hurts the most is I know you aren't okay and thats why you aren't there.
I would do anything for just one more moment of holding you my lil bug
loving you and missing you always
your Mamum
I'm sorry I didn't write you this morning as I normaly do. Gods my head has been so foggybrained. I rearranged the livingroom last night a bit so it looked different in a couple ways. It hurt a lot but at least it doesn't continualy hurt now. I went to walmart and got a couple picture frames too. I want to make it look a bit more like home by hanging a few pictures of you around the house.
Another good thing that I did was I got my phone to turn back on somehow and I got the couple of pictures on that phone that I cherished of you. I hadn't been able to get my phone to turn on since the day they declaired you brain dead.
I went into your room last night and sat there talking to you. I don't know if you could hear me or not but I was saying it was hard on me because I still have most of your favorite toys, your crib which was your most favorite toy, and some of my favorite cloths to put on you as well as your blankets and still no you. I'd do anything in the world to be able to check on you in your crib in the middle of the night as I did every night and make sure you are okay. What hurts the most is I know you aren't okay and thats why you aren't there.
I would do anything for just one more moment of holding you my lil bug
loving you and missing you always
your Mamum
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Letter to Damian 1/20/2011
Damian,
yesterday was difficult for me. I could barely function and it didn't even help to try to get out of the house. I just mourned you so badly that I even felt chest pain. Last night was even more difficult. I started choking back tears if I went somewhere and when I finaly just got to the car I cried, then came home and cried for longer. When I looked back on the memories of you and your big smiles and all your squeels of joy and dances it hurt worse. I'm greedy, I want more of those smiles. You smiled every day of your life but it wasn't enough. Will I ever be able to go through a day with no tears? I finaly was able to stop crying this morning but the pain still lingers. I want your happiness in my home!
I made your cocoa oat cookies which was difficult and they don't taste as good without you snagging them off of the counter going "haha HA" with your little pointy tongue sticking out between smiling lips. You knew how to make me laugh and god knows you know how to make me cry rivers. I can't live with all this quiet forever. I miss your chaotic tossing of toys and trying to run off with my computer mouse, stealing my soda bottle from right beside me and the Damian dance.
There are times it feels like my life ended the day of the accident and then there I times I wish this pain would just kill me and be the end of all this pain. I'm not sure how people think that you experienced more pain than I ever will because this pain doesn't end. I know you don't hurt anymore but this pain is hard and lingering and doesn't ever fully go away. I guess its good that the pain remains with me. I would rather feel all the pain if it has to be this way. If there is no other choice but me going on without your happiness in my life then I will live with all the pain.
Still loving, missing and needing you with me
Your Mamum
yesterday was difficult for me. I could barely function and it didn't even help to try to get out of the house. I just mourned you so badly that I even felt chest pain. Last night was even more difficult. I started choking back tears if I went somewhere and when I finaly just got to the car I cried, then came home and cried for longer. When I looked back on the memories of you and your big smiles and all your squeels of joy and dances it hurt worse. I'm greedy, I want more of those smiles. You smiled every day of your life but it wasn't enough. Will I ever be able to go through a day with no tears? I finaly was able to stop crying this morning but the pain still lingers. I want your happiness in my home!
I made your cocoa oat cookies which was difficult and they don't taste as good without you snagging them off of the counter going "haha HA" with your little pointy tongue sticking out between smiling lips. You knew how to make me laugh and god knows you know how to make me cry rivers. I can't live with all this quiet forever. I miss your chaotic tossing of toys and trying to run off with my computer mouse, stealing my soda bottle from right beside me and the Damian dance.
There are times it feels like my life ended the day of the accident and then there I times I wish this pain would just kill me and be the end of all this pain. I'm not sure how people think that you experienced more pain than I ever will because this pain doesn't end. I know you don't hurt anymore but this pain is hard and lingering and doesn't ever fully go away. I guess its good that the pain remains with me. I would rather feel all the pain if it has to be this way. If there is no other choice but me going on without your happiness in my life then I will live with all the pain.
Still loving, missing and needing you with me
Your Mamum
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Letter to Damian 1/19/2011
Damian,
Another day has gone by without you. I didn't do much yesterday and the only thing that stood out to distinguish yesterday from today is I went to your favorite resteraunt. It helps me stay alive to get out of this apartment so I will sit somewhere for hours...doesn't even really matter where just not here. I dreaded comming home of course because I know you aren't here. I did enjoy sitting in the tub I used to bath you in and sent my thoughts to you about missing you. I will never stop missing you.
I nosed around youtube a little bit and was expecting to see situations similar to yours in some sense when I typed in loss of a toddler and toddler death. I expected to see these families mourning the loss of all the joy they had in life because thats how I have felt. I was wrong about what I would find. I found these news clips instantly about mothers that leave their babies in buildings to fend for themselves against fires and mothers that put their babies in ovens and throw them off of overpasses. Some of these babies live knowing their mother tried to harm them. I cried. How could anyone do those things to their joy in life? I could never relate to those mothers. I felt guilty for turning my back to do something and you pulled the pot of water down and I tried everything to save you, how could these women purposely do things to harm their toddlers? I don't even want to understand it. I guess I got a bit of peace knowing that I held you after the accident trying to help you, holding you so the doctors could help you and the last thing you saw was me crying in fear of you being hurt and fear of you being taken away from me in any way. The last words you heard were that I was sorry for turning my back and that I loved you so much. I guess at least you knew that I didn't want you hurting and I feared losing you and that I love you.
Always love and miss you
Your Mamum
Another day has gone by without you. I didn't do much yesterday and the only thing that stood out to distinguish yesterday from today is I went to your favorite resteraunt. It helps me stay alive to get out of this apartment so I will sit somewhere for hours...doesn't even really matter where just not here. I dreaded comming home of course because I know you aren't here. I did enjoy sitting in the tub I used to bath you in and sent my thoughts to you about missing you. I will never stop missing you.
I nosed around youtube a little bit and was expecting to see situations similar to yours in some sense when I typed in loss of a toddler and toddler death. I expected to see these families mourning the loss of all the joy they had in life because thats how I have felt. I was wrong about what I would find. I found these news clips instantly about mothers that leave their babies in buildings to fend for themselves against fires and mothers that put their babies in ovens and throw them off of overpasses. Some of these babies live knowing their mother tried to harm them. I cried. How could anyone do those things to their joy in life? I could never relate to those mothers. I felt guilty for turning my back to do something and you pulled the pot of water down and I tried everything to save you, how could these women purposely do things to harm their toddlers? I don't even want to understand it. I guess I got a bit of peace knowing that I held you after the accident trying to help you, holding you so the doctors could help you and the last thing you saw was me crying in fear of you being hurt and fear of you being taken away from me in any way. The last words you heard were that I was sorry for turning my back and that I loved you so much. I guess at least you knew that I didn't want you hurting and I feared losing you and that I love you.
Always love and miss you
Your Mamum
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Letter to Damian 1/18/2011
Damian,
I went to see your Grandpa yesterday. You never did get to meet him but you would have loved him. I'm so sorry that the times we had shown up to try to see him he had been somewhere else...I should have tried more often and harder to get you to meet him. I could just imagine you playing matchbox cars with him and looking at all his old car books. I can only imagine you spending hours with him in the garage looking at cars.
I felt a bit better after seeing him and telling him about you. Dad had never been the comforting sort in the past but he seemed to know how to act and what to say and I realized how much I loved and missed him. I felt a bit more at peace on the hour and a half drive home. Your adada met him for the first time and really liked him so I know you would have loved him.
I woke up late today because I stayed up extra late last night. I was hit with the images of the accident as soon as I walked into this apartment. I tried to drown out the flashbacks of that day with images of you dancing and laughing, it wouldnt work so I got desperate and tried to remember all the wonderful things sent in e-mails to me about being a good mother and instead one email stood out where someone who sent me a 'tough love' email haunted me. She had kept trying to get me to get to counslers and medication and I kept telling her no. She wrote back what looked to be an angry message that I was having self pity and you went through so much pain that I needed to be strong and stop living in misery unless I liked it.
The part that really haunted me about it, since I will cope with things in my own way and not really think much if someone chooses to think I'm weak and living in self pity and liking misery, was that she said you were in more pain than I will ever know. I don't know if it is true or not but it messed with me and I collapsed in thought about it while crying. Were you in pain? I know burns hurt but whenever I have gotten a burn, even a bad one it hurts for a couple seconds and then goes numb unless you touch it. I know you couldn't have hurt after they put you on morphine and the seditive especially because you went to sleep for the tube. Part of me wishes I could face the same thing you did just to be sure that you wern't in too much pain and if you were to punish myself more for turning my back those couple seconds. The other part of me just wants to believe since you were acting normal aside from a couple whimpers now and then every couple minutes that you were just a little 'owie'. Unfortunatly I can't ask you but maybe someday I'll have the answer.
I love you my little buggy...I hope the lady was wrong about the amount of pain you had
-Mamum
I went to see your Grandpa yesterday. You never did get to meet him but you would have loved him. I'm so sorry that the times we had shown up to try to see him he had been somewhere else...I should have tried more often and harder to get you to meet him. I could just imagine you playing matchbox cars with him and looking at all his old car books. I can only imagine you spending hours with him in the garage looking at cars.
I felt a bit better after seeing him and telling him about you. Dad had never been the comforting sort in the past but he seemed to know how to act and what to say and I realized how much I loved and missed him. I felt a bit more at peace on the hour and a half drive home. Your adada met him for the first time and really liked him so I know you would have loved him.
I woke up late today because I stayed up extra late last night. I was hit with the images of the accident as soon as I walked into this apartment. I tried to drown out the flashbacks of that day with images of you dancing and laughing, it wouldnt work so I got desperate and tried to remember all the wonderful things sent in e-mails to me about being a good mother and instead one email stood out where someone who sent me a 'tough love' email haunted me. She had kept trying to get me to get to counslers and medication and I kept telling her no. She wrote back what looked to be an angry message that I was having self pity and you went through so much pain that I needed to be strong and stop living in misery unless I liked it.
The part that really haunted me about it, since I will cope with things in my own way and not really think much if someone chooses to think I'm weak and living in self pity and liking misery, was that she said you were in more pain than I will ever know. I don't know if it is true or not but it messed with me and I collapsed in thought about it while crying. Were you in pain? I know burns hurt but whenever I have gotten a burn, even a bad one it hurts for a couple seconds and then goes numb unless you touch it. I know you couldn't have hurt after they put you on morphine and the seditive especially because you went to sleep for the tube. Part of me wishes I could face the same thing you did just to be sure that you wern't in too much pain and if you were to punish myself more for turning my back those couple seconds. The other part of me just wants to believe since you were acting normal aside from a couple whimpers now and then every couple minutes that you were just a little 'owie'. Unfortunatly I can't ask you but maybe someday I'll have the answer.
I love you my little buggy...I hope the lady was wrong about the amount of pain you had
-Mamum
Monday, January 17, 2011
Letter to Damian 1/17/2011
Damian,
its been over half a month since we've had our normal morning routine. It hurts so badly that I normaly won't go into your room anymore. Its quiet in here and I have never heard this silence before the accident. I want to go to your crib and pick you up but I know there is no weight and no squeels of joy in there. I have lost most recolection of time, it all blurs together now. I know another day has passed but only because my computer tells me so and your dog pokes me with his nose trying to get me to let him go ouside and theres daylight out there. I sometimes wish I could sleep a bit longer like your father but I usualy end up waking up awhile before him now. I envy him now, he seems to have dreams of your life but when I normaly sleep I end up being haunted by the day of the accident. It still seems so unreal that the doctors at the first two places told me you would be fine and promised me that it wasn't bad and you were going to be alright. Why couldn't they have been right? What I wouldn't give to be watching you throw toys around my living room right now, dancing, and enjoying your snacks. I can't even bare to keep the tv on that you used to watch your cartoons on. I'm not sure what to do with myself at all anymore. I hurt in more ways then I thought a person ever could and these walls in my apartment seem to suck the life out of me. It kills a little piece of me inside every time I have to walk by the stove which is anytime I enter or exit the house, any time I have to use the restroom, and anytime I let the dog out, grab something from the kitchen, or do laundry. I think it might be healthier to move out of this place when I can. I love the memories of you but it gets hard to function when the memories of that day and the following days are kind of thrown at me. I know if I do leave the apartment for good I'll have to drag myself kicking and screaming because this apartment has your handprints all over it and was where you lived too. Its a major catch when desiding if I should stay or go. Damian, I miss you so much that I have never missed anything this much. I remember telling you most days before you'd go to sleep that you were my whole world and everything in it and it feels true. I'm not quite sure how I made it the first several days without you but I know I'm only making it by a thread. Your adada needs me so he can be okay and your puppy needs to be taken care of and so does your kitten. You always saw me as the mamum that would fix everything and I'm so sorry I couldn't fix the accident. I did everything I could think of to help you and it wasn't enough. I'm trying to be the strong mamum that you seemed to think I was and I'm trying to make it because your adada needs me and I don't want to disappoint you. Please somehow help me answer where to go from here and why.
love you little buggy
Mamum
its been over half a month since we've had our normal morning routine. It hurts so badly that I normaly won't go into your room anymore. Its quiet in here and I have never heard this silence before the accident. I want to go to your crib and pick you up but I know there is no weight and no squeels of joy in there. I have lost most recolection of time, it all blurs together now. I know another day has passed but only because my computer tells me so and your dog pokes me with his nose trying to get me to let him go ouside and theres daylight out there. I sometimes wish I could sleep a bit longer like your father but I usualy end up waking up awhile before him now. I envy him now, he seems to have dreams of your life but when I normaly sleep I end up being haunted by the day of the accident. It still seems so unreal that the doctors at the first two places told me you would be fine and promised me that it wasn't bad and you were going to be alright. Why couldn't they have been right? What I wouldn't give to be watching you throw toys around my living room right now, dancing, and enjoying your snacks. I can't even bare to keep the tv on that you used to watch your cartoons on. I'm not sure what to do with myself at all anymore. I hurt in more ways then I thought a person ever could and these walls in my apartment seem to suck the life out of me. It kills a little piece of me inside every time I have to walk by the stove which is anytime I enter or exit the house, any time I have to use the restroom, and anytime I let the dog out, grab something from the kitchen, or do laundry. I think it might be healthier to move out of this place when I can. I love the memories of you but it gets hard to function when the memories of that day and the following days are kind of thrown at me. I know if I do leave the apartment for good I'll have to drag myself kicking and screaming because this apartment has your handprints all over it and was where you lived too. Its a major catch when desiding if I should stay or go. Damian, I miss you so much that I have never missed anything this much. I remember telling you most days before you'd go to sleep that you were my whole world and everything in it and it feels true. I'm not quite sure how I made it the first several days without you but I know I'm only making it by a thread. Your adada needs me so he can be okay and your puppy needs to be taken care of and so does your kitten. You always saw me as the mamum that would fix everything and I'm so sorry I couldn't fix the accident. I did everything I could think of to help you and it wasn't enough. I'm trying to be the strong mamum that you seemed to think I was and I'm trying to make it because your adada needs me and I don't want to disappoint you. Please somehow help me answer where to go from here and why.
love you little buggy
Mamum
Sunday, January 16, 2011
The day my life changed
December 30th 2010 was the worst day of my life. I thought I had experienced life before and all of its cruelties but I had been wrong. It started like every other day with Damian waking me up with cheerful laughs and squeels about his adada and wanting nom noms (his breakfast). He never woke up grumpy on his own. He would simply play with his stuffed possum while jumping about in his crib talking away about dada, mamum, and food.
I woke up just like normal, chuckling about my 'lil bug' and got him out of his crib to unleash the destruction of my living room. He tossed about his toys, smeared his poptart everywhere (just like always) and screamed in joy about his cartoons and we danced the Damian dance infront of the t.v. which included stomping stratigically loudly on the floor in circles and running all over the place.
Lunch time came about and I was going to make him his rice that he loved. I have always been super paranoid about not having a dishwasher and would let the water come to a boil over about 10 minutes while sitting and resting (due to being exhausted from playing with Damian) and then I would start his actual lunch. I had done this routine every day for many many months and didn't think anything of it. I was expecting company later in the day so instead of sitting and resting, I put the saucepan of water on the stove (just like always) and went into the living room to straighten up a bit of Damian's playtime mess. He normaly ran loudly while squeeling between the kitchen and livingroom with his footsie pajamas worn like a cape. I can't remember what I was tidying up in the living room when this noise wasn't even heard but more felt. I stood stright up instantly forgetting what I was doing and rushed to the kitchen where the noise was comming from and my eyes darted to the steaming saucepan on the floor, water pooling on the floor infront of the left front of the stove and refrigerator. Damian was making the noise and without thinking in a split second I put the saucepan on the sink and rushed Damian to the bathroom to put cold water on him. I didn't think the water in the bathroom was cold enough so I moved the pan aside and sprayed him with cooler water in the kitchen sink over the slightly pink areas of his skin, he was now just crying as if he had something of a small discomfort. I took him back to the bathroom tub and finished pouring a bit more cool water on him while checking him over better before drying him softly with a towel and standing him on the floor. He ran over to the counter and grabbed a cookie I had left on the counter for him to grab. I didn't know what to do aside from cool down the burns he got from pulling the small pan of water on himself so I put a diaper on him while noting if the burns were bad or not. His shoulders were pink, as well as his neck...his eyes were a bit bloodshot from crying (he was now just softly whimpering and saying 'mamum') and his face looked completely fine. I comforted him shortly and put him, dressed in his crib (he considered that his comfort area) while I called his doctor to ask what to do. I was more scared than I ever had been in my life and needed to know how to handle it. His doctor said it didn't sound bad but to ease my worries I should take him to the urgent care a couple blocks away, which I did immediatly. When I got there they got him right back. A couple small blisters had formed on his cheeks by the time I arrived and he was whimpering about wanting to be back in his crib on the way to the urgent care and saying 'mamum'.
The urgent care took me and Damian directly in back and they said he seemed to be fine but wanted to get him fluids and pain medicine which they could do better at the hospital a couple miles down the road. They couldn't get an iv started at the urgent care due to his being 20 months old and they have small veins. They called the ems and I handed Damian to the guys in the squad. Little did I know that would be the last time I had held him alive. He kept reaching for me calling 'mamum' and I followed the amublance to the hospital. I swear I got every redlight in town. I was still frazzled but the urgent care said and promised he would be okay.
Finaly at the hospital, I get to the room they have Damian in and he was doped up because they apparently gave him morphine in the ambulance. He immediatly reached for me, trying to get up in spite of the morphine saying 'mamum' and they scooted me closer to him so he would stay seated. His face had started to swell and I was crying and feeling guilty for him getting ahold of the pan. I was scared of my baby being taken away from me in any way. The doctors reassured me it looked worse than it was and he would be just fine. They desided to tube him preventitively since his face had a bit of swelling so I said 'night night' and told him I loved him and that it was time to take his nappy and they escorted me out of the room while they put the tube in. Little did I know that would be the last time he would hear me. They desided to lifelight him to a hospital that dealt with children as well as burns just to be safe and I petted his hair before they wheeled him to the helicopter. They told me to go home and calm down enough to drive the 40minutes to and hour to the other hospital, Damian would be just fine and the doctor herself promised me it wasn't serious.
I went home and cried to Carl on the phone about my fears for Damian. The recieving hospital called and told me he had landed and was stable and fine and to gather my stuff and head down when I felt safe to drive. He would be alright though. I got into the car and began heading to the hospital...before I got more than a half mile from my house the hospital called and said I needed to get there quick but wouldn't tell me why, just that Damian wasn't very stable. They told me to turn around since I wasn't far from my home and they would have a police officer take me to the hospital instead to get me there quicker. I waited at my home for an hour before the policeman showed and was upset and frantic that it took so long when my baby needed me. I kept thinking I could have been there by the time they showed. I allowed them to take pictures 'for my protection' and it took 5 more minutes before they had me on my way to see my Damian.
Half way there I get a call that said Damian's heart had stopped 4 times, 45 minutes once and they wouldn't even tell me if he was alive. All they would tell me is that his heart had been beating for about 10 minutes. When I arrived at the hospital, they took me to my baby who had now had an air tube through his neck and ivs everywhere and was still unconcious from the seditive. The policeman left and never came back.
Damian's adada arrived at 1am from pensylvania and Damian's heart hadn't stopped again and they had already been able to put him from the emergency room to the PICU. The doctor told me that he had a 5% chance to make it through that night so I prayed for the best because his chances were supposed to go upward after 24 hours.
On January 2nd 2011 they did tests on Damian for brain activity and he was declaired braindead. The only thing keeping his body warm and breathing and everything was chemicals and machines. Braindeath is not like a coma where they can eventualy wake up, it is death. My world ended in those long days.
When I've told people of Damian's death they ask me the same questions I have; How did 1st and 2nd degree burns cause him to die. Maybe someday I'll have the answer since I am having trouble grasping the concept myself. Some have told me it was possibly because the tube was too small which can cause lung and heart failure. Some say he might have inhaled the water but if that were the case wouldn't his lungs have still been completely white and non functioning on the x-ray the next day? Some think maybe it was shock? Some think maybe it was fate. The only thing I know for certain is my world ended when I lost my baby and I will never be the same. I always loved him and still do and I'm still trying to figure out where to go from here when my world revolved around my little Damian.
I woke up just like normal, chuckling about my 'lil bug' and got him out of his crib to unleash the destruction of my living room. He tossed about his toys, smeared his poptart everywhere (just like always) and screamed in joy about his cartoons and we danced the Damian dance infront of the t.v. which included stomping stratigically loudly on the floor in circles and running all over the place.
Lunch time came about and I was going to make him his rice that he loved. I have always been super paranoid about not having a dishwasher and would let the water come to a boil over about 10 minutes while sitting and resting (due to being exhausted from playing with Damian) and then I would start his actual lunch. I had done this routine every day for many many months and didn't think anything of it. I was expecting company later in the day so instead of sitting and resting, I put the saucepan of water on the stove (just like always) and went into the living room to straighten up a bit of Damian's playtime mess. He normaly ran loudly while squeeling between the kitchen and livingroom with his footsie pajamas worn like a cape. I can't remember what I was tidying up in the living room when this noise wasn't even heard but more felt. I stood stright up instantly forgetting what I was doing and rushed to the kitchen where the noise was comming from and my eyes darted to the steaming saucepan on the floor, water pooling on the floor infront of the left front of the stove and refrigerator. Damian was making the noise and without thinking in a split second I put the saucepan on the sink and rushed Damian to the bathroom to put cold water on him. I didn't think the water in the bathroom was cold enough so I moved the pan aside and sprayed him with cooler water in the kitchen sink over the slightly pink areas of his skin, he was now just crying as if he had something of a small discomfort. I took him back to the bathroom tub and finished pouring a bit more cool water on him while checking him over better before drying him softly with a towel and standing him on the floor. He ran over to the counter and grabbed a cookie I had left on the counter for him to grab. I didn't know what to do aside from cool down the burns he got from pulling the small pan of water on himself so I put a diaper on him while noting if the burns were bad or not. His shoulders were pink, as well as his neck...his eyes were a bit bloodshot from crying (he was now just softly whimpering and saying 'mamum') and his face looked completely fine. I comforted him shortly and put him, dressed in his crib (he considered that his comfort area) while I called his doctor to ask what to do. I was more scared than I ever had been in my life and needed to know how to handle it. His doctor said it didn't sound bad but to ease my worries I should take him to the urgent care a couple blocks away, which I did immediatly. When I got there they got him right back. A couple small blisters had formed on his cheeks by the time I arrived and he was whimpering about wanting to be back in his crib on the way to the urgent care and saying 'mamum'.
The urgent care took me and Damian directly in back and they said he seemed to be fine but wanted to get him fluids and pain medicine which they could do better at the hospital a couple miles down the road. They couldn't get an iv started at the urgent care due to his being 20 months old and they have small veins. They called the ems and I handed Damian to the guys in the squad. Little did I know that would be the last time I had held him alive. He kept reaching for me calling 'mamum' and I followed the amublance to the hospital. I swear I got every redlight in town. I was still frazzled but the urgent care said and promised he would be okay.
Finaly at the hospital, I get to the room they have Damian in and he was doped up because they apparently gave him morphine in the ambulance. He immediatly reached for me, trying to get up in spite of the morphine saying 'mamum' and they scooted me closer to him so he would stay seated. His face had started to swell and I was crying and feeling guilty for him getting ahold of the pan. I was scared of my baby being taken away from me in any way. The doctors reassured me it looked worse than it was and he would be just fine. They desided to tube him preventitively since his face had a bit of swelling so I said 'night night' and told him I loved him and that it was time to take his nappy and they escorted me out of the room while they put the tube in. Little did I know that would be the last time he would hear me. They desided to lifelight him to a hospital that dealt with children as well as burns just to be safe and I petted his hair before they wheeled him to the helicopter. They told me to go home and calm down enough to drive the 40minutes to and hour to the other hospital, Damian would be just fine and the doctor herself promised me it wasn't serious.
I went home and cried to Carl on the phone about my fears for Damian. The recieving hospital called and told me he had landed and was stable and fine and to gather my stuff and head down when I felt safe to drive. He would be alright though. I got into the car and began heading to the hospital...before I got more than a half mile from my house the hospital called and said I needed to get there quick but wouldn't tell me why, just that Damian wasn't very stable. They told me to turn around since I wasn't far from my home and they would have a police officer take me to the hospital instead to get me there quicker. I waited at my home for an hour before the policeman showed and was upset and frantic that it took so long when my baby needed me. I kept thinking I could have been there by the time they showed. I allowed them to take pictures 'for my protection' and it took 5 more minutes before they had me on my way to see my Damian.
Half way there I get a call that said Damian's heart had stopped 4 times, 45 minutes once and they wouldn't even tell me if he was alive. All they would tell me is that his heart had been beating for about 10 minutes. When I arrived at the hospital, they took me to my baby who had now had an air tube through his neck and ivs everywhere and was still unconcious from the seditive. The policeman left and never came back.
Damian's adada arrived at 1am from pensylvania and Damian's heart hadn't stopped again and they had already been able to put him from the emergency room to the PICU. The doctor told me that he had a 5% chance to make it through that night so I prayed for the best because his chances were supposed to go upward after 24 hours.
On January 2nd 2011 they did tests on Damian for brain activity and he was declaired braindead. The only thing keeping his body warm and breathing and everything was chemicals and machines. Braindeath is not like a coma where they can eventualy wake up, it is death. My world ended in those long days.
When I've told people of Damian's death they ask me the same questions I have; How did 1st and 2nd degree burns cause him to die. Maybe someday I'll have the answer since I am having trouble grasping the concept myself. Some have told me it was possibly because the tube was too small which can cause lung and heart failure. Some say he might have inhaled the water but if that were the case wouldn't his lungs have still been completely white and non functioning on the x-ray the next day? Some think maybe it was shock? Some think maybe it was fate. The only thing I know for certain is my world ended when I lost my baby and I will never be the same. I always loved him and still do and I'm still trying to figure out where to go from here when my world revolved around my little Damian.
The big suprise
Finding out I was pregnant with Damian was quite the shock. I was going through a divorce with my ex husband which had been in holding for a year. I was living with my now current husband and we were in quite the situation, we wanted children in the future but were going to wait until we were more stable with finances. We had been using birth control and I had always wanted a baby badly. I remember crying that month because I had felt cramping and hated having my cycle. I remember crying that 'I didn't want my damn period' and the gods must have heard me because it didn't ever come.
After several days of not wanting my period and realizing it was abnormaly late I scooped up the change we had and bought a test. I had taken them before due to trying with my ex husband for many years to have a family and knew what to do. At 3 or 4am I had to pee and figured it was morning enough. I took the test with me on my way to the bathroom and low and behold 2 lines! I was so happy that I woke Carl out of bed and showed him the test, blinding him with the light. Needless to say, he was grumbly about being woken up at that particular hour (who would have guessed) AND being blinded by the lights, he confirmed that I wasn't blind and the test was positive...and went back to bed. I took the second test the next day and it, too said positive (I didn't wake Carl up in the middle of the night that time) so I was pretty sure that meant I was preggers. We were both happy and figured that it was meant to be and we were excited about the future. I dreamed of having a big, blue eyed, baby boy.
At about 6 weeks into being pregnant I went almost instantly from feeling like a hungry tapeworm had taken over my body to feeling neon green. Everything that had any sort of smell made me feel sick. This remained the entire 9 months. Throughout that 9 months I was always happy to be a 'soon to be mom' and never had an ultrasound to confirm what I would be having...aside from a baby. I traveled with Carl on a truck (since he was a truckdriver) and that was quite the interesting experience for 9 months due to motion making me sick too...but I passed time by reading to the fetus and playing through my abdomen with the energetic little thing. I always told people I knew that I would be having a big baby boy.
When I became a couple days late of my due date I took a trip to the hospital and desided I would let the doctors make sure everything was okay. They couldn't even measure him on the ultrasound he was so big and they desided that I should have a c-section before leaving the hospital due to his size...yes HE.
I had the scarey c-section which I had dreaded, it wasn't pleasant but it was worth it to be able to be a mom. On april 15th of 2009 Damian was born in the washington DC area and the was 9 1/2 lbs of lively boy. He was the most beautiful, amazing thing I had ever seen. I still laugh when I remember the big bright eyes and how I couldn't stop staring at him. Carl kept telling me I needed to rest but I didn't sleep for days because I kept staring in disbelief that my dream of having a baby came true.
Damian was my whole word and I lived to be his mom. I stayed at home and raised him without babysitters and just loved watching him develop. He was an early walker, figuring out walking at 8 months and an early talker...learning the word adada at about 2-3 months. I was always called mamum and his favorite fruit was bananas (nanas). He loved pasta, rice, fruit and his vegetables and was eating them all between 6 and 7 months very well.
Damian was sick only once from a cold and that was november of 2010, didn't require a doctors visit...in fact it was a couple sniffles and wiping his nose for about 3 times and it was over. Me and his adada were sick for 2 weeks.
Damian loved to dance and run around with his footsie pajamas only on his arms. He enjoyed watching his tv shows and making music. He had a drum, an xylophone, and he loved to strum my guitar...he also loved splashing water across the entire bathroom during bath time while screaming at the top of his lungs in joy. He also loved to eat and was a child of curiosity.
After several days of not wanting my period and realizing it was abnormaly late I scooped up the change we had and bought a test. I had taken them before due to trying with my ex husband for many years to have a family and knew what to do. At 3 or 4am I had to pee and figured it was morning enough. I took the test with me on my way to the bathroom and low and behold 2 lines! I was so happy that I woke Carl out of bed and showed him the test, blinding him with the light. Needless to say, he was grumbly about being woken up at that particular hour (who would have guessed) AND being blinded by the lights, he confirmed that I wasn't blind and the test was positive...and went back to bed. I took the second test the next day and it, too said positive (I didn't wake Carl up in the middle of the night that time) so I was pretty sure that meant I was preggers. We were both happy and figured that it was meant to be and we were excited about the future. I dreamed of having a big, blue eyed, baby boy.
At about 6 weeks into being pregnant I went almost instantly from feeling like a hungry tapeworm had taken over my body to feeling neon green. Everything that had any sort of smell made me feel sick. This remained the entire 9 months. Throughout that 9 months I was always happy to be a 'soon to be mom' and never had an ultrasound to confirm what I would be having...aside from a baby. I traveled with Carl on a truck (since he was a truckdriver) and that was quite the interesting experience for 9 months due to motion making me sick too...but I passed time by reading to the fetus and playing through my abdomen with the energetic little thing. I always told people I knew that I would be having a big baby boy.
When I became a couple days late of my due date I took a trip to the hospital and desided I would let the doctors make sure everything was okay. They couldn't even measure him on the ultrasound he was so big and they desided that I should have a c-section before leaving the hospital due to his size...yes HE.
I had the scarey c-section which I had dreaded, it wasn't pleasant but it was worth it to be able to be a mom. On april 15th of 2009 Damian was born in the washington DC area and the was 9 1/2 lbs of lively boy. He was the most beautiful, amazing thing I had ever seen. I still laugh when I remember the big bright eyes and how I couldn't stop staring at him. Carl kept telling me I needed to rest but I didn't sleep for days because I kept staring in disbelief that my dream of having a baby came true.
Damian was my whole word and I lived to be his mom. I stayed at home and raised him without babysitters and just loved watching him develop. He was an early walker, figuring out walking at 8 months and an early talker...learning the word adada at about 2-3 months. I was always called mamum and his favorite fruit was bananas (nanas). He loved pasta, rice, fruit and his vegetables and was eating them all between 6 and 7 months very well.
Damian was sick only once from a cold and that was november of 2010, didn't require a doctors visit...in fact it was a couple sniffles and wiping his nose for about 3 times and it was over. Me and his adada were sick for 2 weeks.
Damian loved to dance and run around with his footsie pajamas only on his arms. He enjoyed watching his tv shows and making music. He had a drum, an xylophone, and he loved to strum my guitar...he also loved splashing water across the entire bathroom during bath time while screaming at the top of his lungs in joy. He also loved to eat and was a child of curiosity.
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